A Lunatic's Lament

19

The days turned into weeks, two to be precise. Two weeks since I saw my parents on TV I still wanted to die after everything that Vic had done to me, but there was one thing that kept me going, my parents. They missed me and they wanted me back. I would hang on for them. The look of heartbreak on their faces was the only reason I hadn't tried to kill myself in here.

Vic promised to never have sex with me again unless I wanted it. I think it finally got through to him how much it hurt me when I spent the whole rest of that day crying, and then the week after I would flinch every time he went to touch me. I told him that he reminded me of Rick, and he looked really upset at that statement, so that's when he made the decision to wait until I was ready, which of course, would be never.

I would never forgive him for what he did. If ever did get out of here then I knew I'd be messed up for life. We went back to our normal routine; breakfast, talking time, lunch, more hanging out, dinner, shower, bed. It was the same thing every day. It was tiring. I don't know how I had stayed sane. I should be sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, but I wasn't. I was learning that I was actually a pretty headstrong person, despite how much I cry.

It was about the middle of the day now. Vic and I just had lunch together and then he brought me to our room. He got the handcuffs and locked one of my wrists to a bar. I sat on the bed and looked up at him questioningly.

"I have to go into town to pick up some things, like food and stuff," he said. I don't know why this hadn't crossed my mind before, but of course he would have to leave at some stage to get supplies.

"How do you go into town when you're wanted by the police?" I asked. They were the first words I had spoken to him since that day he raped me. He looked at me a little surprised, but then answered.

"I don't go to any stores. I go to houses and borrow some things," he explained.

"Steal. You steal things," I said. He sighed and nodded.

"Yes, but it's either that or get caught. Plus, I don't have any money," he said. He bent over a little so he was eye level with me.

"So, you just stay here and be good for me, alright?" he asked. I didn't answer. He leant forward for a kiss but I turned my head to the side. He sighed and stood up straight.

"You'll come around soon, Kellin. I just know it," he said.

Once again I didn't say a thing. He was wrong. I'd never love him. I'd never so much as consider him a friend ever again. He was all I had in here and now he's all I never want.

"I'll see you later. I love you," he said.

I didn't say it back, obviously. He left me alone after that. It was the first time that I had been truly alone in this house. It was eerily creepy. I laid back on the bed. There wasn't much to do in here. I soon fell asleep because really, this was the first time I've been safe. When he's not here, I'm safe, so I was able to securely fall asleep for a little while.

When I woke up there were no signs of Vic being here. The sky had darkened a bit. I wondered where he was. Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd get caught by the police. That was wishful thinking, but it was something I thought of for a while. I sat there daydreaming about him. being captured and the police coming to find me. I thought about him being thrown in jail and me being reunited with my family. The thoughts made me sad though. It just made me miss home.

I started thinking about my faith. I had lost my way while I've been here. I used to pray every night, but not in here. A lot of my friends thought my dedication to Christianity was ridiculous. They thought I was kind of nerdy with it, but they would be surprised if they saw me now. It was hard to continue being the goody two shoes boy I once was when I've been put in this situation.

I attempted to kill Vic. That was wrong, but what else could I do? In here being a civilized person wasn't an option. I felt guilty, yes, but it had to be done. I did however miss the comfort that religion gave me. I always found God to be a good support, but in here I had barely thought about that. I hesitantly got off the bed and knelt on the floor as best I could with the handcuffs on. I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes, then I started to speak.

"I know I haven't done this in a while, but guess it's never been the right time. I don't even know why I'm bothering because I know nothing is going to get me out of this mess. I mean, I've been here for six weeks already. I'm never getting out. So I guess what I'm praying for is for you to watch over my family. Make sure they find some sort of closure. I don't want them missing me forever. I don't want them to be sad. I just want them to be okay," I said. I felt myself starting to get emotional. I choked it back though and continued.

"I ask you to please let Vic see the error of his ways. He's really sick. I know it's some kind of mental illness. I hope that one day he gets the help he needs. In no way do I forgive him for what he's done but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know any better. As much as I hate him and want him gone for good, I'd rather he be cured from whatever sickness is in his head," I said.

I took a deep breath. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders just saying this out loud. I had no one else to confide in so even though there was probably no one listening it still felt good.

"As for me... just help me find strength to get through this. I-,"

"What are you doing?" Vic interrupted me. I turned to look at him in the doorway.

"Praying," I said simply.

"God's not real, you know?" he asked. I frowned.

"Yes he is," I argued.

"If he's so real then why would he take away good people?" he asked. I wanted to tell him it's so sick, disgusting people like himself are left with nothing, but I held my tongue.

"No one knows how he works," I said softly, turned away from him and put my hands together to finish my prayer in silence.

"Get up. Stop praying," he ordered me.

"No," I said simply. What was so bad about praying? I wasn't hurting anyone by doing it. He took away my innocence. I won't let him take this away too.

"Yes," he growled. I looked at him, glaring fiercely.

"This is important to me!" I shouted. He stormed over and grabbed my arm. He pulled me up and made me sit on the bed.

"It shouldn't be! No one is going to help you! God is not going to help you! Where has he gotten you so far, huh?!" he shouted right back.

I shouldn't have let his words get to me, but I did. I sat there, pondering them. I wasn't going to let him take my faith away from me, but he did have a point. No one was going to help me. If I'm going to get out of this mess then I have to take matters into my own hands. I really have to dig deep and find the strength myself.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just that... you don't need anyone other than me. You don't need a God. We just need each other. So I don't want to see you talking to some imaginary person again," he said.

I didn't answer him at all. I couldn't deal with people who are narrow-minded. If someone doesn't believe in God, then fine, I can understand that. I'm not trying to force it upon him, in the same way that he shouldn't try to take it away from me.

"Please talk to me," he said.

"I don't want to. You upset me," I said truthfully.

He looked annoyed and frustrated, then he just turned and stormed out of there. I sat there, still annoyed with that whole conversation, but I felt different. I had been so dead inside for a while now. I had more or less given up and just succumbed to this life, but now I suddenly felt different. I wanted to get out of here.

I wanted to see my family again and get away from Vic. I can't sit around waiting anymore. I need to do it myself, but this time I need to do it the smart way. I can't keep being so aggressive towards him no matter how much I want to be. Aggression only leads to him being aggressive towards me. I need to gain control of the situation. And how do I gain control? I become friends with the enemy.