euphoria | knj √

39: waste it on me.

"If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, waste it on me."

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The months came and went like seasons, and Rein tried to erase the person that was Kim Namjoon, but even she had to admit it was hard. As soon as people got wind that Namjoon was out of the way, they began hounding her, some of her colleagues even asking her on dates, but all of them made her mouth dry up until she couldn't talk. Everything reminded her of him—the late night champagne, the glow of a drunken smile, a touch in the right places—so much so that it would have been impossible to start anew, yet she told herself she was over him. She just needed more time. She always needed more time.

Nonetheless, the universe didn't pay much attention to the woes of one person, and life went on like normal. To distract herself, she did what she did best: she worked. And worked. And worked. The success and the parties and the concerts were back-to-back, not enough time to process anything, grief nor happiness alike.

This week, however, she was granted a little time all for herself. You deserve it after pushing yourself so hard, Ms. Cho had said with a smile. Ms. Cho thought the singer did it for her, but she didn't have the heart to tell her anything otherwise.

So now, Rein stared at her computer screen, truly perplexed in what felt like months. In front of her was the new single that Namjoon had apparently released at 12:00 AM the night before.

But that was simply impossible. He was still very much in the military, and the government wouldn't have allowed even a celebrity of his status to bring all of his sound mixing equipment with him to the base.

It was no use fighting the memory of the last time she saw him. The going-away party, when they had confessed their relationship to the other members. It seemed like a lifetime ago. But now, it all seemed so trivial, whether they confessed or kept it a secret or shoved it up their ass. The outcome was the same: Rein Jones had not seen Namjoon in almost two years.

At first, he made regular calls from the base, at least once a week. They lasted an upward of thirty minutes, every second packed to the brim with smiles and underlying nostalgia. He always ended their calls with an I love you, and she always responded with an I love you, too.

Always sweet, always slightly misguided. Never confronting the truth about what they were.

Or, weren't, in this case.

Then, the phone calls stopped. Not completely, but enough for Rein to put him out of her mind for days at a time, as she had to work. It was enough to make her wonder if she had been forgotten about in the weeks it took him to call, since it's not like she could have called him, even if she wanted to. The base didn't have a number she could reach dependably, and even if it did, there was no way for him to pick up the phone if he was busy doing who-knows-what.

He was right when he said splitting would hurt like hell.

During all of this, the paparazzi were adamant about getting Rein to admit to her secret love affair. She would always be very cryptic about her answers, not giving them a straight answer either way.

If she lied and said that, no, she was not having an affair with Kim Namjoon, it would have felt like she was betraying him and everything they had worked toward, which, in the end, didn't seem to be worth it anyway.

However, if she had said yes, it would have undermined everything they had gone to such great lengths to preserve: their privacy.

It didn't feel like Rein Jones could win either way.