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I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to ditch you for the night. It wasn't on purpose, I swear! Please don't be mad.
I looked at the message I had gotten a day after the ball from your best friend. For a moment, I didn't feel like answering. But then I would feel bad for making him feel bad.
It's okay! I'm not mad.
I was so pathetic. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? Why couldn't I write No, Evan. I'm not okay. I'm furious with you instead?
No, I know you're not okay. I know you cried at the ball because of me...
I had to keep myself from not lashing out in the text. Why does he think everything revolves around him? I didn't even know him. I just knew what he showed to everyone, including me. I know he's also keeping a façade just like anyone else, but does he have to be so insensitive?
I swear, it wasn't because of you. I'm fine.
Was I? I just felt stupid and numb. All because of Johannes and Bianca.
Okay.
And he added a smiley emoticon.
Next day at school, I tried to avoid Evan. It was too embarrassing—the messages. The same with Phelix. I had cried on his shoulder the day before. What was wrong with me?
Thinking I could do things right for once, I decided to cut my ties with Bianca and her friends.
Even you had said so yourself, "You don't walk beside them like they're your friends. You walk behind them and it looks like you're following them." Followed by a few comments about how you had real friends and I didn't.
Perhaps I didn't.
You were right. So instead of going to Bianca, like I usually did, I decided to try it out with my old friends. You know, the ones I catfished? Yeah, that was a bad idea. We occasionally spoke and they were nice and somehow genuine. A lot had changed since then, and I wasn't the same; they neither.
So we became friends again. It was nice to have them beside me.
And, Phelix—your friend—had contacted me too. It was nice of him and he seemed genuine too at first. He was nice, handsome, and a good person. It was a nice change from all the mean ones I usually liked.
I liked Phelix, yes, but Johannes would always have his stupid claws in my heart. Two years later, now, he still does.
But these letters to you aren't about what's happening now. It's about the past and how the past has a funny way of shaping your entire existence in the present. I still loved Johannes, but Phelix was a nice distraction and for seconds he managed to make me forget about Jeremy. But only for a few seconds.
Imagine my surprise when I was talking with Phelix on Christmas Day, with him messaging me, What's up?
I didn't celebrate Christmas, because I'm a Muslim after all. A horrible one at that. I'm not surprised if I end up in hell by now. Not much. But why are you texting me? Doesn't your family mind you being occupied with your phone?
What he sent next had my heart almost leaping from my chest. Nah, you're much more interesting than this.
What? Was he being real?
It's hard to believe that when nobody had ever said something like this to me before.
Lol, seriously? I wrote.
I'm serious. It's boring now and I think you're interesting.
Oh, wow. He's perfect.
His dorky messages made me happy. I could breathe again, almost like that day when you made me breathe again. Do you still remember that?
Phelix was a rollercoaster, with me switching between him and Johannes. Was I over him? I wasn't, but I needed to be. So I convinced myself of that big lie. In the end, I started to believe it too.
And that is when epiphany clashed with common sense. For the first time, I could finally say that Johannes wasn't mine to ever keep. He was never an object and even though I didn't think he was, I acted like he was. He is his own person and he decides who he wants to be with.
It's just not me.
I wasn't completely over him, but I had to accept it. It's important.
Yours truly.
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