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I really think you're the villain of this story. Somehow, I feel you always will be.
You know, my life didn't fully start before ninth grade. Or well, it started before that, considering I was fourteen years then and I'm fifteen now as I'm writing this down.
It didn't start when I got bullied from third grade until I moved to another city in fifth. It didn't start when I had no friends at my new school. I don't think it started when I catfished my friends in seventh, and it definitely didn't start when I lost them in eight because of the same reason.
It started when I fell in "love" and then met you afterward.
And because of that, I despise myself. Which, I guess, makes me useless? No one will love a girl who doesn't love herself. No one will even look at you if you continue on with that look on your face because you should be happy that you live this life.
I don't really feel like me anymore. I have turned into something I can't even recognize every time I look at myself in the mirror. It's like I face a stranger. I look at this girl with pity and disgust sometimes? Does that make sense?
Shouldn't I be having the time of my life now? To be able to look past everything and finally claim myself as something I have wanted to see every time I stare in the mirror? Shouldn't I be able to finally call myself happy?
I should. And it could have been a happy ending for me, but stuff got slightly complicated. Why do I have to be a mess on big canvas on display? Why do I have to make everything so complicated?
Most importantly, why does everyone have a habit of leaving me?
Sorry, this isn't making any sense anymore. This letter is all over the place and I'm just writing down everything on my mind and it's getting messy.
These are letters to you where I tell you about your influence on me. The way I've changed drastically, for the good and the worse. Where I tell you that everything is your fault, even though it's mine, but I'm too much of a hypocrite to own up to my mistakes.
Do you know how miserable I've felt ever since you entered my life?
I think I'm just scared of everything that is about to come. I'm scared of sending these letters to you and that's why I'll never be able to send these. And you won't be able to read them either because that's how it will go. It's always how it goes.
Plus, I think you'd laugh if you got them. Because that's the kind of person you are.
Yours truly.
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