Memories of an Old Friend | ✓

07 | feels r not real they cant hurt u

07 | feels r not real they cant hurt u

It was finally the Christmas formal now and I was excited. It was my first dance and I was going with a popular and funny boy who had tried to woo me for the past two weeks. I couldn't be happier. I should be happier.

But . . . not really. I was still in love with Johannes, and he in Bianca. Why couldn't I get over him? I was still crazy about him. How could I end this? Why couldn't I stop being in love with him?

And why am I asking myself these questions when I know the answers . . . ?

To me, Johannes is one of those people. You don't see their beauty at first. They're just one face in the midst of thousands. Eventually, they gradually become more beautiful and beautiful. That's Johannes. He's beautiful. He'll always be beautiful to me, no matter how ugly he really is.

Oh god, why can't this stop? I don't want these feelings anymore, they're so tiring.

What I didn't understand is that my temporary knight in shining armor would be at the winter formal and catch me. So for a few weeks, things would be okay. But he was temporary. And so were his arms, because even knights in shining armors got tired.

I was still friends with Bianca. Or as much as a friend I could become. We never talked even when we hung out. It was usually me talking to her friends. The two of them didn't leave her sight for the night and it was fine.

So I sat with them even as we ate the cold and disgusting pizza and drank the warm coke. And Evan sat beside me with you four other friends trailing off beside him. You, Phelix, Jensen, and Aidan beside him. I noticed that the fifth, Fred, was missing.

Bianca was seated in front of me and beside her sat Bianca's friend, and beside her again, sat Phelix. My temporary knight in shining armor and your best friend.

In front of Evan sat Bianca's friend and they didn't know I knew how they were playing with each other's feet, thinking I didn't know. Why did he ask me as a date if he was just going to foot flirt with another girl? Especially my friend? Why did I let you persuade me?

Even so, I pretended not to know about their so-called fun and I smiled through it. Do you know how hard it was for me to not run into the bathroom and cry? Why did I bother coming to this silly event again? Why?

So I sat there, biting my tongue and ate cold and disgusting pizza and drank warm coke. I just didn't have the guts to speak up about how annoyed I was. What if he decided to leave me and go with Bianca's friend instead? He was popular. He could do that, couldn't he?

Then the dancing came. It was okay. But Bianca and her friends were dancing really sensually and I wanted to blend and fit in so I tried to do the same. I wanted to look sexy too, even though I was far from it. They were wearing tight dresses and I wasn't, so it did look a bit weird.

I figured out quickly that it didn't fit me and I felt uncomfortable because people were staring, so I stopped and just danced normally; jumping up and down.

And that was how it all went. Me being the outsider and Bianca and her friends dancing seductively around each other. In the end, they got tired and decided to take pictures. And that was when most of it started to go wrong.

"Who wants to?"

Of course, I thought it meant who wants to be in the picture?

I was quick to say yes. And stood in front of the wall, when everyone looked weirdly at me and then at each other.

"We meant who wants to take the picture?"

And so I took the picture, and they didn't want to take some with me, claiming the space on their phone was full.

But it wasn't so full anymore when Phelix and another boy decided to take one with us. This time, I could be in the picture. Which was okay, I think. It still hurt that they didn't want to take a picture with me in the first place. 

But still, I got myself together and managed to press on the brightest smile I could manage. Hey, I even got to stand in the centre this time.

Then we went back to the dance floor and the song All of Me came on (this was in 2015, mind you and I'm writing this in 2016) and it was fine for a few seconds. But Bianca started to dance slowly with Johannes and I couldn't do anything other than to stare.

Where was Evan? Shouldn't he be here dancing with me? Why did he ask me to this dance?

Then Phelix came out of nowhere, asking if I wanted to dance. And we danced, for a minute. I felt numb and tired and the song roaring in the speaker certainly wasn't helping. I didn't want it to be Phelix. I wanted it to be Johannes or heck, it could be you for all I cared even if you were together with Anette.

I'm a bad friend.

And then I opened my eyes, only to catch a glimpse of a happy Bianca and Jeremy and I didn't know what to do. They were happy. I wasn't. Why wasn't I happy?

So I did the most embarrassing thing. Tears started streaming from me and onto Phelix' coat until I was hulking loudly. It felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and fuck, it hurt like a god damn bitch.

Why did I let you seduce me into this again?

And then he grabbed some help from Bianca's friend—the same girl who was foot flirting with Evan, my date—who brought me to the washroom while watching me cry. All of me was still roaming in the whole building. Fuck, I've always hated that song.

"It's almost like Bianca does everything in her power to spite you," she spoke up.

I shrugged. I was used to it.

"Why are you friends with her?" I asked, desperate to know the answer. What was so good about Bianca that made her worth staying with? That she's worth being popular?

She shrugged too. "Why are you?"

Not answering her question, I continued to cry. Until dad called, telling me he would be there shortly.

Forgot to tell you. We are going to be moving forty minutes away from where we live now in a few weeks and they had been busy packing while I was here dancing. Moving closer to where you lived, I guess.

Yours truly.