Memories of an Old Friend | ✓

20 | four, five six!

I thought my life was going to be good for once. I've befriended a lot of my classmates and there was this gorgeous boy in my class who smiled first at me even if I was wearing a hijab. Smiled! It didn't help that he looked like that guy from Target that the whole internet keeps talking about.

I hoped I was over you.

Well, I thought wrong.

I was going to take the bus home and stood at the bus station. I saw Johannes strolling by with a guy from my school and another person I didn't know. My feelings then and there was pretty easy to describe; wow I miss him a lot.

Truth to be told, he was the funniest person I had ever met and I missed his comments in class. Also, I love him. Less than you, but I do. How can you get over your first love?

But I guess I was happy too. You, Felix, and Johannes don't go to my school. I didn't want you to see me wearing a hijab, because it was something about personal pride. How the girl who loved socializing and didn't seem much like she cared for religion, how had she turned into this... freak, who's just too unrecognizable and sad?

So I hid from him by turning around, not wanting him to see me like this, and I'd do it every time if I'd ever see him again.

Am I a bad person?

Then I turned around, as I said, and that was when my heart broke and screamed and cried.

I saw you. Walking beside Fred, smiling and sipping on your soda. You were so, so carefree and you seemed happy. I wanted to be that source of happiness. I wanted to be the one next to you, not handsome Fred with his stupid good-looking face. I wanted to make you laugh like that—just like you laughed before when we were friends.

Although I do think that you were laughing at me and not with me.

I panicked, of course, and walked away, to try and hide. I didn't want you too, to see me either. Of course, faith would have it that you were going to take the same bus as me. I sat down in front, so I faced you, although your face was hidden.

You weren't sitting beside Fred at all anymore. I saw Annette's ex-best friend instead, the one who had a crush on you before, (maybe she still did) and I think my heart broke once again. Why couldn't it be me?

When the bus stopped, I walked towards the entrance and you were there in front of me and you looked at me and I think you widened your eyes a bit at me in surprise. I couldn't continue watching you and whatever moment we had (it lasted for a second), was ended. Maybe it was only me who thought of it as a moment.

I cried the rest of the way home from the bus stop. And as soon as no one was there, I took off my hijab, almost ripping it off. Then I cried some more when I remembered my grandpa had just passed away.

That was how my fourth day of school went in the end.

The next day, the school ended earlier and of course, I didn't expect you to be there. I was seated on the bus with my new classmate—Jenna who used to be in the same class as Michael—and I told her about you. How much I was crushing on your perfect self and that it had lasted since April last year. I told her that I didn't know which school you went to and that it was a sad thing for me. I told her that I missed you. I even used your whole name and I wasn't exactly quiet.

She widened her eyes and told me to shut up, before motioning her eyes to back in the bus. I followed them and my eyes were wide, shocked at the fact that you were seated there. You looked at me with an unreadable expression.

I panicked so hard and asked my friend if I spoke too loudly, and she said, "No, I don't think he heard."

I had hidden this secret where I liked you, for seventeen months.

Seventeen.

And I had almost revealed it so easily? What if you had heard? At that moment, I felt like crying. My heart was already aching. I didn't need any more problems following.

I sighed in relief, of course, because I believed her and sat back.

I turned around once to look at you, and my eyes met yours instantly. I widened them and hurried off in the fastest speed I could manage and looked forward again, muttering, "Life hates me."

I didn't turn around again for the entire ride.

That was how my fifth day went.

On the sixth day, I didn't see you. Thank god. I don't know if my heart could take it.

I was at school and tried to get my mind off you and was trying to oogle at the guy that looked like that famous Target guy, but I felt nothing. He seemed so perfect. He was funny, outgoing, smart, handsome and so incredibly relatable. He had named all the tv shows he watched and I had watched almost each one of them. It was incredible, really. But I felt empty.

I wanted him to be a rebound crush, maybe?

When safely home where I was protected from the rain, I had sighed in relief. I couldn't see you again. It was too much for me.

Again, I spoke too soon.

My mother had told me to pick up my brother from kindergarten. It was raining heavily, so I didn't put on the hijab because I wore my raincoat, so my hair was basically hidden.

Again, I saw you on the other side of the road walking beside Fred. I quickly shook off the hoodie from my head and walked. I know you two saw me because I think I saw you glancing over to me.

I feel terrible.

Grandpa would not be proud of me.

Yours truly.