Memories of an Old Friend | ✓

12 | see ya l8er alligator

12 | see ya l8er alligator

After I got these feelings for you, I hated myself even more.

For fuck's sake, you're Annette's ex. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just stay in my lane and not text you?

I'm a problematic piece of shit with difficulties in falling for the right people. It feels like there's some power preventing me from being truly happy.

Is it because I don't pray five times a day? Is it Allah's way of punishing me? That I'm friend with boys? That I'm not a good Muslim? I feel so horrible about it.

Do you know what's worse with these feelings I have for you?

I got them when we finally stopped talking.

That was our story. We stopped talking. You didn't care to stay and you didn't even explain as to why you even left.

Our friendship ceased to exist.

You have no idea of how much you meant to me, even if you were a horrible person.

You were kind of like a mixture of forest and sea. You felt fresh and calm. But you were also a sea; not bothered by the fact that you could drag someone down any moment. You didn't bow down to anyone.

You left. That was your way of dragging me under.

Do you know how many times I've cried myself to sleep wondering why you left? That I've hated myself, just like I hated myself after Bianca and Johannes got together?

I trusted you.

After you left our friendship, I was this big mess of short panic attacks I told no one of.

Sometimes I locked myself in the bathroom, trying to reminisce back to where I lived before when I sat on those cold tiles of the bathroom crying my eyes out about Johannes and Bianca where I poured my secrets to you.

It was better to be heartbroken then because it was expected in the back of my mind that Johannes would never feel the same about me.

This time, it wasn't expected. I didn't think of you as someone I only had feelings for. I thought of you as a friend at that's why it hurt more.

And that is the end of our story.

. . . Or, well, almost. But that's almost a year later even though it was just a small interaction. But it meant so much more to me.

Yours truly.