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I think I forgot to mention that I had made a friend from Sweden several months ago. He is the same age as me and his name is Levi. We became friends through a group chat on Kik because we liked the same band.
Our friendship was closer than the rest of the group chat, though. We could communicate with each other in our own language. Me in Norwegian and him in Swedish. We talked about everything and nothing. He is blonde and has long hair. He liked talking about girls a lot.
I think . . . I think something finally clicked for me a few days ago when he texted me.
He saw the recent picture I had posted on Instagram and he had texted me, I didn't know you were this hot?
I hadn't put a picture of me on Instagram because I wasn't completely confident, but I did it. It felt empowering.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA, my reply was. I AM
It was meant like a question. But it sounds like I was confirming his question, because was he joking? Was he saying it to be funny? It wouldn't be a first and it wouldn't be a last.
Dead serious, he said.
Levi is a nice friend. He listened when I rant. He's also a big pervert, but it's funny.
And that's why it clicked. Why Steve was blushing around me, why one of the hottest guys in the school was blushing at me. Why Johannes was suddenly nice and showing interest in me.
Is this what Marlene feels like? She's the most beautiful girl in our class and everyone swoons at her.
I was considered pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty.
Honestly, what the fuck?
Pretty, let alone hot, was not an adjective when describing me. Anything that had to do with appearance wasn't spoken when it came to me. I was the one who got no comment when someone asked a boy if I was pretty. Johannes said no comment on Ask.fm when someone sent him an anonymous message asking what he thought of me. That hurt my pride, because when asked about the other girls in our class, he had replied with nice things.
Suddenly I have Levi telling me I'm hot, Steve blushing and Johannes showing some kind of interest?
Where are you in this equation? I want your approval. I want you to say I'm pretty. I want you to take back the comments about the mono brows. I want you to blush around me. I want you to show an interest in me.
But I settled with the three I got. You and I are not really friends, anyway.
I think . . . I think my confidence boosted somewhere around there. It felt nice, even though boys are awful. You are awful.
Yours truly.
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