Memories of an Old Friend | ✓

30 | end

Hey there, stranger. It's been a while since I wrote here. How long has it been? The last time I wrote you something was when I was still in my second year of high school. It's been two years, then.

I'm a freshman at college now. Can you believe that? Remember when you told me you hoped I would achieve my dream of becoming a doctor? Well, becoming a doctor wasn't my dream, but you did wish for my dream to come true. I'm not sure if I have one, but I hope I'm closer to one.

I'm studying something I find really interesting. Hopefully I'll achieve something in it. Or maybe I'll realize I hate it and I want to major in something else. I don't know. We'll see how the tides turn.

The reason I write to you is because it's my last and final letter to you. Why I am writing one now and not already two years ago? Good question. I'm not sure if I know the answer, but I knew I wanted to give you a proper adieu. I didn't feel mature enough or strong enough to do it before. So I left it empty until I was ready to close the chapter between me and you.

Here we are.

I still remember you as that charismatic pretty boy who'd put butterflies in my stomach. The first time I considered you an angel was in eight grade when you wore that pretty flower crown during recess. We were running after each other and laughing. We were happy, I believe. It was the start of a new beginning for me.

Do you remember in tenth grade when you won the award of the biggest heartbreaker (or was it friendzoner? I can't remember) of our year at summer prom? I voted for you. I want to congratulate you for that, by the way. Not that I really care.

I don't think you'll truly ever disappear from my heart. Hell, I still think about you from time to time. But it's time to say a goodbye. Actually, it's been overdue for some years now. I just didn't want to say goodbye to you. Also I didn't know how.

I write my last letter now because I am ready. A few days ago I looked for our old messages because I saved them all while we still spoke on Snapchat. I used them so I could come back and read to remember you, but this time I couldn't find your account. It was deleted. You probably created a new account with a new handle.

The pain that shot through my chest right there and then was unbearable because it's the last I had of you. It was the last piece I could keep as a memory of an old friend I once had. I have nothing else left of you. I cried a lot that night and when I woke up the day after, it was obvious how much I had sobbed in my dorm room. But then I gave it some thought. I thought and thought and thought. That's when I realized that even though our memories are gone—where you comforted me when I was still that fourteen year old girl sitting on a cold bathroom floor—I have these. My letters to you.

You were my best friend and my worst enemy. That's not a title I can give to anybody. Not even Johannes, believe it or not.

In the beginning of these letters I called you the villain of my story, but you're not. You're just human. Albeit a human who made fucked up choices—still a human. I'm not faulting you for that.

As a quick catch up, just because, I want to tell you that I grew a lot. In height (you're still a giant, sadly) and in my heart. I learnt more about my sexuality, too, actually. I fell in love with a beautiful girl who never reciprocated what I felt for her. And it hurt, but I got over it.

I came to terms with who I am and who I still want in my life. I became more clearer with myself and more honest. Being honest with yourself is hard, but I managed to have a much needed dialogue with myself. It was long overdue, anyway.

Finding out you've got a girlfriend didn't bother me at all. I'd like to believe I'm lucky for that one. It was the proof I needed for so many things in my life.

Last time I saw you was at a fair. Your hair had grown and your bright smile was still blending like it always was. But I walked past you like nothing. It was pretty cool, if I say so myself. I had fun with my friends at that fair and knowing you were there didn't cross my mind that much. I'm lucky.

I will find someone better than you.

I already did once, and I will continue to do so. Because you brought me a lot of pain and I don't think any boy in the world can come close to what you made me go through. But it's okay, 'cause we were young and I wasn't mature enough to handle you.

I don't blame you or anything. Like, if anything, I'm glad I went through all these things. It taught me a lesson that love isn't supposed to hurt. And you hurt me a lot. Besides, you wouldn't really be able to handle my love, anyway.

I know to never put my expectations on someone like you ever again. These are all life lessons, anyway. I was just too naïve to understand this. We all make mistakes, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's how we pick ourselves up that matters and truthfully, I wasn't really good at picking myself up. But I'm doing it right now and I do it every single day. I'm going to be fine.

I'm not going to thank you or anything. You don't quite deserve my gratefulness, because I have nothing to be grateful for. I just want to say that having you in my life with the good parts (never the bad), is something I'll keep in my heart forever. Our conversations might be gone and you might forget me, but I know I'll probably keep you in my heart. But if God has mercy, I'll forget you too. And that's the best thing you can ever offer me.

I think this is where I want to end my letter to you.

Hopefully for me, if I ever see you again, you'll be okay and I'll be okay too.

Mine truly.