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I think I my have seen the most gorgeous girl in my entire life.
I mean, there's all those pretty girls I've seen. All those celebrities, models, actors, singers.
And then there was her. At the wedding.
I don't know her name, though. I wish I did.
I subtly asked my grandma because she knows everyone. She didn't get much done, but found out a few things except her name. 20, studying to be a doctor and is in a period where she'll be engaged soon.
God, I can't even explain her. She's just that perfect.
But I never saw her again, which is sad, because she's most likely straight and I'm supposed to be straight and pretend I don't know girls are even an option.
I cried when I got home that day. It felt like my chest was just slowly, slowly pressing down, completely choking me. Because, shit. I'm not one to back away from change, even though I hate it. I fucking knew something was different. Ever since I was twelve when I searched up what lesbians were and then it continued to videos of girls kissing and then to girls with all their weird body parts having sex.
And I looked at it and thought: Huh, that's not going to happen to me as if I was trying to make myself slowly think it can't happen to me. Not with the culture I have. Not with the religion I believe in, and definitely not with the country I live in. So 12-year-old me suppressed all that down because I wasn't even a teenager, and this was all too confusing. I wanted to forget that two people of the same gender being together was even an option in case I got sidetracked.
But all 16 years old me feels right now as she's writing this letter to you is a relief. There are no thoughts about religion or culture or country. There's just relief. Relief that I know myself better than what I did when I was 12. Relief that I can be honest enough with myself and not suppress my feelings like what the 12 years old me did.
Truth to be told, who can even blame that girl? Especially when she's raised the way she is? Cause I can't.
I don't know what I'm into. I just know whatever I'm into is not just limited to boys.
Which is why I cried about knowing myself better.
And . . . did some random girl at a wedding make me become aware of my sexuality?
Yours truly.
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