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Do you want to know a secret? We all die in the end.
My grandfather passed away two nights after we came back for our vacation and my father was crying, and yelling, "You regret it now, don't you? I told you to go. If you could've just listened, then you could have been with him in his last few months! You could have been there! Now it's late and you blew it just because you went on a vacation instead!"
Was he blaming me for his death? I don't know what it was he was blaming me for, but it was something.
I miss him so much. My heart is aching and my mind is screaming louder than ever and it's suffocating me. He always said I was his favorite and I'm usually nobody's favorite. He made me feel like life was okay for a while. Like you did.
I have three other grandparents, but him? He can never be replaced.
He lived in Pakistan but visited us every five months. It was one of the highlights of my year because he would usually bring warmth and joy. That can never be replaced, no matter how hard anyone tries.
God, I couldn't even say a proper goodbye to him. I'm such a bitch for not living in Pakistan for a whole year. What is wrong with me? Why do I ruin everything? Why don't I ever listen to my parents?
My father traveled to Pakistan the day after for his memorial. I couldn't stop crying.Do you know how easy it is to cry quietly after you've gotten used to it? I don't cry much in front of my parents, because I am not weak. At least I try not to be, but I'm the weakest person out there. Silent cries get much, much easier after you've gotten used to it.
I would know.
I couldn't even look my father in the eye when he said goodbye. I was too ashamed, embarrassed. Why didn't I listen?
Yours truly.
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