Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I think my second year of high school is gonna be a good one.
I'm not as sensitive as before, and Brita is gone. I'm not afraid to share my mind and my opinions finally stand strong. I'm kind of happy about it. Staying back in Pakistan did do wonders for me. Being with all those fake family members was kind of something I very much needed. Because compared to my family, the people at this school are nothing. They can't even come close.
Have you ever had that moment of clarity where you realize how shitty you were treated, but you didn't care because you depended on them and they said things in a mean way and all you did was reconsider everything you thought because you didn't want them to think you were stupid/bad?
I did that a lot, y'know, with pretty much everyone.
A real pushover, huh? That's me.
I often felt like I didn't matter if I am honest with you. With friends I've always been the outsider no matter which group I turn to. If there's a trio or more I always feel like the odd one out. So that's why I'd agree with what everyone said.
But I realize that you can't satisfy everyone. And you shouldn't. So I gave up, I think, and I'm trying to listen to what I tell myself and what I think is right. It's not easy when all I've been doing is to listen to the people around me, and it's easier to give up on myself and go back to what I'm used to, but I can't keep doing that to myself anymore. I need to take a stand and make my own opinions.
So I'm doing that.
It's the little things right now, but they mean a lot to me.
My fashion style right now is mine, even if my mother sort of hates it. She doesn't think I fit loose pants so much. She thinks I look skinny and nice with tight fitted clothes. I think I do, too, but I feel so confident in my loose outfits and I can't help but love that feeling I get. So I'm keeping it, whether it looks good on me or not. I just want to feel good.
I can sit in the cafeteria alone now, minding my own business as people walk past me. And I look so damn good doing that too. The hijab doesn't bother me as it did before. As in fact, it feels like something I can use as comfort. It was with me when everyone in my life left me. I kind of love it for that. And when I sit in the cafeteria, with my legs spread comfortably, bordering manspreading, I feel like I'm the one in control of my narrative.
It probably makes no sense to you, but to me, it's everything I wanted.
When I enter the bus, I don't rush and stress like I used to. I take my time and whoever has to wait behind me can do that, because it's not like I'm going at a snail pace. I'm just doing it at my pace. It's a pace I've robbed myself of for years because it stressed me out knowing people were waiting for me to hurry at a 4x speed when I was already going at a 2x speed.
I kind of like my 1x speed now.
The bus, which used to be something that terrified me, is now my solace. I look out of the window and I know familiarity and it's comfort. I like it so much.
God, it's fun. I like it like this so much.
I feel like I'm so cool. And even if I'm not cool to others, I'm incredibly dope to myself.
People smile at me in the hallways and I smile back. People sometimes stop me in the hallways to chat. They didn't do it before, but now I feel like I'm a new person and I sort of think they feel like I'm a new person too. I feel like things are turning for me. I'm so grateful.
Yours truly.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
