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My grades are questionable. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a failure to my parents. I don't understand. I work so hard and study too much and I can't even get an average grade above 5.
I just wish I succeeded in one place, you know? My parents aren't proud of me. My friends ditched me. And you.
I haven't spoken to you in months.
It's not fun. It feels like I am dying. I was trying to get over you.
You spoke to me today, though. and god damn it, I'm right back to where it all started. Why I liked you in the first place. Or maybe, I don't like you? Maybe I just like the memory of you? The memory of you like when you were Anette's boyfriend?
The boy who listened to me while I was crying on my bathroom floor all those years ago?
You're not him anymore.
I loved your voice and your laugh and the way you smiled.
I've only loved one person in a romantical aspect before. He got together with my best friend. Deep inside, I still love him. I'll hurt if he gets another girlfriend. I'll probably wonder why I, who he has known since fifth grade, wasn't good enough.
You? You make me forget things like this. When you're there, I only think about you. So I love you too.
You touched my hands today during lunch. I felt so lucky.
I was performing a card trick on this girl in my class. I was actually close friends with her before because she was Bianca's best friend. Ex-best friend maybe? I don't see them hang around so much often anymore.
Phelix saw and he walked over to us, and he smiled. "Can you perform a card trick on me too?"
He has a nice smile. I think he still thinks I like him. It's been a year. I don't see why I would.
I tried to show him a card trick, but I failed considering I was nervous. It was Phelix, you know? I liked him before you. I actually liked him and although I don't harbor any feelings for him anymore, I still get flustered.
"Can you do it one more time?" Phelix pointed towards you. I could see he was amused. You sat on the table, your legs manspreading. "Hey, she's gonna show us a card trick."
You perked up from your phone and you looked at me and raised an eyebrow. You smiled. I was melting.
"Can you show me a card trick?" You asked gently, a smile playing on your lips. I was freaking out on the inside. I wanted to cry, I wanted to stare into your eyes forever.
I miss having you as a friend so badly. I just miss you. Do you even remember me?
"Yeah," I mumbled. I stared at the cards and didn't budge from where Phelix was standing.
"C'mere, then."
I looked up. I smiled nervously and walked over to you. Why was it so hard to be around you when I had done it countless times before with ease?
You made me stand in between your legs. I was dying.
Surprise. I fucked up the card trick. Again.
"Was this your card?" I tried again.
Your friend was standing on the right watching the entire thing unfold. I felt like I was being investigated. I don't know why.
"No."
I remember I pursed my lips in frustration. This was getting embarrassing, really. We both know I sucked, so why were you not stopping me? It wasn't anything grand, either. It was just a card trick. Do you like watching me embarrass myself? You always did tease me when you saw me messing up at something.
"Hmmm," you said and grabbed my hand where the cards were and while holding my hands you were looking for the card that was actually yours. I don't think you realized what you were doing to me or my heart.
It was magical. Your hands were gentle. I could only stare at our hands like that, and then up to your face. I didn't have it in me to tear my gaze away. You're so pretty, it physically hurts me. The look on your face as you looked for the card. You were smiling. I don't know if it was knowingly or not, but all I could do was stare with furrowed eyebrows.
I think I looked sad, then. Maybe a bit grateful. Probably a bit happy, too. As short as the interaction was, the memory of your hands touching mine was still vivid.
Your hands were so soft and yet I know your personality is anything but.
I had looked up at your friend on the right who was watching this entire scene. He was looking at me like he knew what I felt for you. He looked confused. I think he knows I love you.
I hope he does and that he actually tells you, because then at least you'll be aware of it, too.
Yours truly.
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