enough

22

I stood there staring at him trying to process him being there. He was right there in front of me and I didn't even move or touch him. I just held my head down and cried.
"Astrid, what's wrong?" He says crouching down to look up to me in my eyes.
"Astrid sweetheart come in, " Alecia walks to the door wrapping her arm around me. I sit on the couch with my head in my hands Alecia put a hand on my back and tried to help me pull myself together. "What happens, sweetheart, " she says in the soft mom voice I needed to hear.
"Everything was perfect, I had a best friend and, " I finally looked up quickly at Christian who had pulled a chair around to sit in front of me. I turn to Alecia and she holding my hand helping me breathe. "Cody he uh he said he loved me. I don't love him and I broke his heart." I bite my lip trying to cry again. I hurt him I know I did. I never wanted this, I never meant for this to happen.
"Oh sweetie everything will be ok you just stay here tonight calm down and settle your nerves then tomorrow you can go and talk to him." she pulled me into a hug and I tucked my head into her shoulder finally breathing a sigh of relief. "Have you eaten tonight I was gonna make Christian some dinner, "
"If you don't mind, "
"Of course not, " she smiles making me smile. I was sat there in the living room with just Christian. I didn't know what to say and I could tell he didn't either. The circle of emotion around us was like a rope that not even the sharpest knife could cut.
"Do you love him, " the words shock me and it takes me a second to process it.
"No, not in that way, "
"What do you mean, " He moves to the couch so now he's right beside me. It was almost like he was reading my mind cause as soon as I thought I want you to hold my hand he grabbed it rubbing the back with his thumb.
"I love him and care about him a lot, but not like I did you." I drop my eyes from looking into his now look at our hands. "Not like I still do love and care about you." I look to him for the everlasting look of love in his eyes and smile when I find it. "But I know, this won't work, " I sarcastically mumble.
"Astrid comes on, don't start this."
"Don't start what Christian, I'm not starting anything," I say forcing my town narrowing my eyes. "Christian I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself if I ever meet someone, cause I won't ever be able to love another guy as much as I loved you, "
"Well you just have to get over it for fuck sake cause it won't work, I can't love you anymore not as I did, " He gets up storming away slamming the door as he did.
"Sweetie I don't know what's gotten into him, "
"It's fine I'm just gonna go to bed, " I suck up the tears that were forming and walk with her to the last room of the hall falling onto the bed crying just like I was before.

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I didn't sleep at all I just laid in the bed staring at the high ceiling wondering what the hell I was gonna say to Cody trying to figure out the conversation. I didn't bother to wake Christian. Having coffee with Alecia that morning the heading to Cody's.
"You just gotta go in the and say what you need to, he will understand," I say to myself standing outside of his door trying to make my self grab the key and open it. I walk in seeing everything still where it was when I left jot even his Xbox remotes were moved off the charger. I could hear the water running and see the light on from the hall. I sat down waiting for him to come into the living room tapping my foot and fingers full of stress.
"Astrid, " his eyes light up I could tell but the look in them he thought he lost me.
"Hi Cody, " I smile standing up the quickly sitting down as he does. "We need to talk, " he drops his head rubbing his temples.
"I'm sorry, " his words break me he didn't need to be sorry he no reason to.
"Cody I love you, you know that but it's not the same I love you, you said." He gives me his full attention and I wish he didn't cause it to hurt to look him in his eyes and watch his heartbreak. "I just wanna be friends. I don't wanna lose this, I don't wanna lose my nap partner. If I lose you who's ass am I gonna beat in COD." He laughs making me smile harder.
"This is still yours if you want it, " he picks up the necklace box putting it my hand. I take it and hand it to him to put on me. "I friend love you, Astrid, "
"I friend love you too, " I lay my head on his shoulder as he pulls me into a hug.

No hug could take those words out of my mind. 'I can't love you anymore'. What the hell did that mean, he said 'can't' not 'don't' why can't he love me. What's stopping him? Or who's stopping him?