My Name Is Bucky

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I sat on the ground, trying to recollect everything I could remember about HYDRA. Their motivations, their weapons, their base. No detail was too small to copy down in my journal.

I had realized they were trying to get me back. And for a while a debated on telling Steve. It's been about a week since it first clicked in my mind, that I was being watched, but I haven't told him yet. It would shatter him.

Sam stood on the kitchen, eating some of the pancakes Steve had made the three of us for breakfast, because Steve and Sam liked to work out with each other in the mornings. I felt sams eyes burning into the back of my hair, which was tied up in a messy sort of man bun.

"Take a picture," I growled as I frantically scribbled the details of their torture down, "it'll last longer."

"Can I be honest here? We're friends, right?" Sam asked, taking an obnoxiously loud sip of his coffee.

Steve sat on the couch close to me. I glanced up and saw him shoot a look at Sam. That didn't stop the bird brain. Nothing ever did.

I turned to face him. "Oh do enlighten me."

"The hairstyle and arm do not match at all. I mean, you look like hot topic and justice had a baby." He threw something at me, and I caught it in my left hand.

A magnet. He threw a magnet at me. "You're so funny," I fake cooed as I ripped it off.

I continued to frantically scribble everything down in my journal. The HYDRA section soon became flooded with tiny details of sounds, feelings, noises, and smells. Steve looked at me worriedly, and I felt the fear that pulsated from him.

He knows something is wrong
Well no duh. We're not good at keeping secrets

He knows you're lying
We're not, it's just holding information until we know more

This is how he lost you the first time
Not even close

Liar

I bit my lip and wrote faster, trying to drown out my own consciousness. Sam and Steve spoke above me, something about a new facility or some other thing. Steve's hand found its way to my shoulder, which was his way to anchor me back into reality.

My hand wrote faster as small details flowed into my mind. I felt the unseen eyes of an intruder burning into my skull. I spun around, defensive and ready to fight.

Steve stared at me. "What's wrong? What happened?"

I couldn't tell him that somebody was watching us. The sky would be tipped off and Steve would either think I was crazy or freak out. I weighed my options.

"Uh nothing. I...I just thought I heard something."

He didn't believe this, but it satisfied him enough to let me continue my scribbles without any question. I wrote down how I knew I was being watched. It was a part of my training, I think. They taught me how to notice the signs of being watched or followed. In this case, I had to look outside.

There were small patches of grass far off that I could see were worn down and weary, as if somebody had been sitting on them and bending the stems. I also found a small silver ring when I went outside the other day. I told Steve about it, and he admitted that he didn't know if it's origin. He settled on the fact that it was Tonys.

When I was left alone, I felt a weird presence at all times. I heard noises that didn't come from inside the apartment. Every instinct told myself to run for it and hide. Just like I've done a million times before.

But now I had Steve to think about. While he can most definitely take care of himself, he'll be terrible at fighting and being alert when he thinks I'm in danger. That's the truth. He cares about me too much. I'm a risk to him if I leave.

"Buck," Steve's gentle voice whispered, "Lets do something nice for dinner."

I shut the book, hoping Steve wouldn't read it over my shoulder or go through it again. "I can't go out. Mr. Murdock is still working on my case and I'm wanted."

"Just because something is nice doesn't mean we have to go out to do it."

My head pounded. I said something almost identical to him when he was the scrawny, poor kid in Brooklyn so many years ago. I took a breath and tried to calm myself down.

"Believe it or not, Thor makes a mean barbecue," Sam chirped in. "The best thing I've ever had."

I nodded slowly. "No going out?" I looked at Steve.

I hated how he looked like he pitied me. I know I was probably reading it wrong but he just looked at me like I was a hurt animal, which I was. "No going out," he agreed.

Steve and I headed downstairs and I was attached to his side the entire time. Everyone was laughing and smiling, as if my entire world wasn't collapsing around me. Well, what little world I had anyway.

They played a few games of trying to shoot arrows like Clint or trying to impersonate Thor or get Tony's tech to work. Steve smiled, and I knew he wanted to jump up and join it. Instead, he stayed near me and held my hand tightly. Sam kept giving us side glances.

I had to leave when tony decided to explode some things. My mind wandered to a little boy disappearing in a cloud of smoke. I started to hyperventilate and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. Steve kept me grounded until we got upstairs.

"What was it?" Steve's eyes scanned my face. "What did you see?"

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't understand how he forgave me after everything I did. "I did something. Something bad. Something bad to a little boy and he-"

Steve hugged me tightly. "Don't. I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you."

"Steve, I'm a bad person. You have to turn me in or kill me before I do something else."

Steve looked at me. "You won't. I know you, Buck. You are not what HYDRA put inside your head. You are a fighter and my best friend. You won't hurt me-"

"But I did, Steve! I went on a mission and I got too close and then I hurt Sam! I almost killed you!"

Steve sat back, staring at me. "It's my fault that I didn't stop you. I should've. But I just couldn't hurt you."

"Then promise me if I ever lose it you will. Promise me you'll stop the winter soldier."

Steve hesitated before nodding. "Promise."