My Name Is Bucky

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A/N
Friendly reminder that Steve's orignal nightmare in age of ultron was supposed to be about Bucky, but Sebastian was unavailable for filming

I felt eyes staring at me as I slept. My heart pounded fast as I quickly opened my eyes. I couldn't escape Steve's strong grip as he watched over me.

"Sorry!" He still held onto me tight. "It's just me."

I stared at his blue eyes, letting myself come back to a reality. I was back. Steve was here. Steve saved me. He gave me a soft, small smile and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Steve, I am so sorry about yesterday-"

"That wasn't your fault, Buck. I'm glad you made it out alive. I'm glad you didn't go into the dark place. I'm so so lucky to have you back."

I smiled slightly. "I saw a video of what happened. What did you say to me when you were taking me from the stand."

Steve hesitated. "I don't remember." A lie, probably.

I shifted my weight and felt searing pain in my left arm. I groaned as Steve shot up quickly. He looked at me worriedly until I sat up and motioned to my arm.

I couldn't see the entire thing, just my forearm, but from what I gathered it was pretty bad. "Next time we see him, he's mine." Steve looked up. Some emotion I've only seen once twinkled in his eyes.

I tried to get up and go see Tony myself but Steve insisted I stay here and 'absolutely do not move'. My mind wandered while I waited. Grimm hitting me over and over again while I was in possession of HYDRA. A sharp stinging pain in my neck. That was new. My arm burned like I had swam through fire and it smelt like old, rusted metal.

It sucks that my enemy knows my every capability. The only good part is that HYDRA made me too strong. They're not aware that I am only able to be captured by one tactic. Steve will fix that tactic and then I'm unbeatable.

Tony and Steve came into the room. "Do we have an actual doctor here or is it just a mechanical guy who sees me as a weapon?"

"Buck-" Steve started but Tony cut him off with a laugh.

"The guys funny, Rogers. Great taste in men. When did you discover your undying love for Sergeant Barnes."

It was that title that I hadn't heard in so long that sent me off the edge. I remembered a young man that resembled Tony. He was smart and I admired him greatly. But then the memory got jumbled. Something happened. He was old now and bleeding. He was asking, no, begging me to help his wife as I punched and punched and punched-

"Enough, Tony. Just make sure he's able to heal."

I wanted to choke. I wanted to throw up. I felt my breathing start to get heavy as the room seemed to close up. And the scene kept replaying over and over and over and over again. I felt every bump I caused on his head. What was his name. Howard. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pull out my hair as my head started to pound so bad my heartbeat screamed in my ear.

"You can't heal metal."

"Well obviously. I'm old not dumb. But can't something be done to stop his pain?"

No. No no no no no no no. That portrait I saw the first week I was here. That's who it was. Those people. My old friends that I killed. And I didn't even know. I couldn't even remember Howard Stark when I was Bucky. I'm not Bucky. I can't be.

Steve seemed to finally notice something was wrong. "Hey Buck? Are you alright?"

"Don't. No," I stood up shakily, almost falling but catching myself on Steve. "Can't breathe. Need out. Now."

Steve helped me up and lead me onto his balcony. He made sure Tony did not follow. I sank to the floor and started focusing on my breathing. It was too fast. It was too much. Everything was spinning.

"What happened?" Steve sank down to my level, trying to look me in the eyes.

I couldn't. I adverted his gaze. Can't. Won't.

"Bucky-"

"No! No I can't be! There's no way I'm Bucky! Bucky would've never done the things that I did! Don't you understand? Don't you get it?" I wanted to punch his face and scream at him. I wanted him to hold me and I wanted to cry.

Steve started to panic. As soon as I said I wasn't Bucky. The thought of him losing me again was just too much. "What do you mean?"

"The picture in the grand area room of this place? That portrait of Howard and his wife? I didn't realize why I recognized them but I did. And then it came back to me. I killed them, Steve. I killed Howard. I killed Tony's dad."

Silence. The wind howled in the distance as I fought for breath sobbed.

"No. No that wasn't you! They brainwashed you, Buck."

"I still did it! Steve I still did it!" I yelled even though I wasn't angry.

Steve stood still, not knowing what to say. "You remembered Howard? And you remembered....it?"

"I remember them all, Steve. I don't remember some of their faces, but I remember doing it. I remember a little boy standing in the middle of the road. I remember not feeling anything as I just-" my breath shuddered as I replayed that terrible day in my mind. "Memories are the worst form of torture."

Steve stayed silent. Sure, killing enemies on a battlefield is terrible, but killing up close and personal while you can't control yourself? He couldn't imagine. He didn't even know what to say.

He held my hand tightly, letting me collect myself. "I should go into that courtroom and plead guilty to save us all the trouble."

"No, Buck," Steve quietly pleaded "that's not gonna do you any good."

"I want to go back to trial. I need closure."

Steve stayed silent for a moment, gently running his hand through my hair. "Fine. I don't want anyone getting to you though. I'm not losing you."

***

We decided on a continued trial date in a month. Matt came over and helped me with the case, always refusing to let Steve in on our meetings. This, of course, infuriated Steve. But he stopped fighting it after two or three times. He always stayed in the living room, waiting and listening.

I still couldn't shake the eerie feeling that I was not alone. Matt noticed it too. I had come to learn he was not who he said he was, and that he had certain abilities. I was drilled to be silent, and I never made noises as I walk. Somehow he always knew what direction I was coming from and turned his head in that direction every single time.

He turned his head to the hill often. The hill were I felt I was being watched from. He couldn't take my constant ignorance of his words and decided on a break. He let me go up to the hill. I didn't tell Steve.

I trudged up the hill, staying out of sight from Steve and stepping quietly in case a person was there. When I finally reached the top of the hill and wanted to scream.

Binoculars, flattened grass, and a gun aimed right at Steve's window. Fully loaded. It was Grimm Reaper. They sent him to watch me. That's how he got into the courtroom. I grabbed the gun and ran back to the compound, not caring who saw me or how loud I was.

Matt was at the door before I reached it. "Give me the gun," he demanded.

"How-" I handed it to him. He had gloves on and made sure to empty the ammo. He did it flawlessly.

He's not blind
Shut up. Not now.

"Evidence," Matt said bluntly.

I nodded. We were in deep now.