Stay (MxM)

Panic Attack

***** Trigger Alert*****

I am sorry if any of these are clinically impossible or incorrect

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The alleys, the darkness, the neon lights, the gunshot, the brightness, sirens, smell of hospital, a woman's voice "Why are you not yet dead?!" "Nobody should trust you!" "You are better off dead!"

Ant clenches his eyes shut as his breath staggered in his chest. No stop it...stop it...don't think, don't think!!!

Nobody should trust you No, no no..

Tears stream down his face and he holds his head to stop images from coming in

The alleys, the darkness, the neon lights, the gunshot, the brightness

His heart quickens its pace and he clutches his chest knowing what was happening. My tablets...where did I keep them? Ughhh where am I?

His eyes blur with tears and his thoughts were all a mess. And then, clear as crystal, one voice pierce through his torturous mind

"Don't you dare touch me!"

Ant clutched his stammering chest and leans in to the wall, trying to catch some breath Oh god , what have I done...

As he drags along the wall and falls on to the floor...voices whirled around him He trusted you...He trusted you...he trusted you not to hurt him... you failed him...you failed everyone... why are you still alive...

Ant's eyes dart around the room, unable to make sense of any things around him. Dec's hurt filled face fills his mind

"Don't you dare touch me!"

Ant titled his head in an effort to catch breath but suddenly his inner consciousness asks him Do you want to breathe any more? With each breath you take, you are hurting others...do you want to?

Hurting others....Ant tries to keep the image out of his eyes but everything comes back like sharp spears

"Nobody should trust you!" "You are better off dead!"

You are better off dead Ant ... Look around you...nobody is happy...nobody trusts you...

Fears strikes Ant like a light-ball No...No..that's not true...please don't say that...stop thinking...no..no...what have I done...oh god I have hurt him...I have hurt him like his boyfriend has...I have used him for my needs...for my comfort like everyone else in his life has...I deserve to be punished... I deserve to die...but I don't want to die...I want to live...I want to see my sister getting married...I want to tell her I am proud of her..I want to tell mam I am grateful to her....I want to tell Stephen how lucky I am to have him by my side all along...and Dec...I have so many things to tell Dec...I want to apologise...he didn't even give me a chance to do that...for using him...for hurting him...for trying to...

Ant feels his head swimming due to lack of oxygen and realises that he is moments away from dying. Tears streamed down his face and the voices become loud.

"Why are you not yet dead?!" "Nobody should trust you!" "You are better off dead!"

He tries to sit up and walk out of the room but the door was closed. This only increased his panic. Ant yet again crunches his eyes shut and his hands fumbles around something to hold on to...to pull him back to reality...but there was nothing...no one...