Heartless

41

Work made me really happy, I hadn't been there in almost a week and getting to express myself was the therapy I needed. Every latte I poured was a creation from my hands, something I had yearned to do all week. I would catch myself with my tongue sticking out a little, then I remembered that was one of the things Colby loved about me.

Kat came in for her shift a couple hours after me, "long time no see!" She giggled as she clocked in. "How's it been?" I sighed, "it's been good! I missed getting to be creative." She smiled, "you're probably the only person in the world who actually likes working." I laughed, "you're probably right." The shift went by really fast after that.

I said goodbye to Kat and clocked out, heading back to my car. I went straight to the studio, trying desperately to not think too hard about anything. I collected all my stuff and went inside, keeping my eyes down from everyone. As I sat down at a table, I pulled out my notebook and a pen.

Turn something negative into something beautiful.

I began to write down lyrics and planned out the song I was writing. Once I had a base for the song I pulled my laptop out and started to mess with chord progressions. The song was about overcoming things that scare you, I caught myself crying as I wrote. That meant it was going to be good. I was there for hours on end perfecting this song. Once it was recorded I took a sigh of relief and started to listen to the work I just did. Tears poured down my cheeks as I listened. The song really summed up how I had been feeling.

I took a deep breath and began to pack my stuff up, it was late and I needed to get back to my place. I didn't realize how late it actually was until I walked outside. I usually wasn't afraid walking to my car in the dark, but today it made me very nervous. I stood at the front door and noticed a police officer standing a couple feet to my right, "excuse me?" I said grabbing his attention, "is there any way you can walk me to my car?" I hoisted my bag on my shoulder as I talked, he smiled. "Absolutely." He immediately walked over and we walked to my car. I felt safe, but was constantly checking my surroundings, I didn't want to experience what happened last night ever again.

Once we got to my car the police officer helped me open my door, I thanked him and got in, "you're welcome ma'am I hope you have a great night." I nodded and he walked away. Once I was alone in my car I noticed my stomach growling. I knew I needed to grocery shop but something about being alone at night stressed me out. I would just postmate something when I got back to my place.

As soon as I got home I ran to my apartment, unlocking the door quickly and slamming it open. The second I was inside I locked the door. Sliding down it catching my breath. I hugged my knees and gently cried, letting the emotions sitting in me spill out while I was alone. I didn't know when Colby would get here but I didn't want to show my fear and weakness to him. Not anymore. I sat like that for a couple minutes before I ordered some chipotle and went to change my clothes.

Someone knocked on the door causing me to jump, I knew in my brain that it was just the postmates person but my hands shook with fear as I walked to the door. I looked through the peep hole to see an older lady. I opened the door and she smiled, "hi are you Cora?" I nodded and she handed me my food. I smiled and closed the door.

It was around 10pm when my phone rang,
"Hello?"
"Hey baby, Sam and I are gonna be done around midnight are you going to be okay?" I sighed silently
"I'll be fine, take your time babe." He sighed, "I'll be there as soon as humanly possible." I laughed, "Colby it's okay, I'm just going to eat dinner and watch a movie, I'll be just fine. I love you, have fun." He hung up and I bundled up in a blanket eating my Chipotle. My nerves were on edge as I watched the movie. My chest was constantly tight, eventually the room began to spin. My breathing hitched as tears spilled onto my cheeks. Calm down, you're fine just breathe. I got up making sure the door was locked, then paced the room trying to pull myself out of the panic attack. Tea. I need tea. I shuffled to the kitchen and filled the kettle up, putting it on the stove. My hands shook as I looked through my cupboards to find some tea. When I opened the tea tin there was nothing left. No no no. I fell to my knees, trying to calm myself down.

I didn't realize how long the panic attack had lasted until there was a knock on the front door. I shakily stood up, wiping my tears as I walked to it. I checked the peep hole and saw a familiar face. As I opened the door I put a smile on my face. "Hey," I said and quickly turned away before he could fully see my face. "Everything okay?" He said closing and locking the door once again. "Everything is fine." I lied and sat on the couch. "I know you're lying." He said and sat next to me, "What makes you say that." I turned to look at him, "your makeup is streaking, showing me you just got done crying, and plus your tea kettle is screaming and you haven't gotten up to go take it off the heat." I looked down, then quickly got up to take it off the heat. I leaned on the counter for a second, taking a deep breath before going back into the living room.

I stopped in the doorway, I looked at Colby as he sat in the couch. "Come here." He said and opened his arms. I walked over slowly and got on the couch, snuggling into him. "Tell me what happened." He spoke softly. "I had a panic attack." I mumbled, almost so quiet that he wouldn't hear. "I told you to-"
"I didn't want to bother you." I interrupted. He sighed, "you wouldn't be bothering me Cora..you don't have to go through things alone anymore." I shook my head, "Colby I'm scared. What Jason did last night scared me." I admitted and he held me tighter. "I know."  I looked up at him, "what did I do to deserve that."

He shook his head, "don't say that. You did nothing to deserve that, don't ever think that you did." His eyes welled with tears, "I should have kicked them out of the party..they shouldn't have even been there. I should have walked you to the bathroom. I should have beat the shit out of him."

I shook my head, "Colby this isn't your fault...you didn't do anything wrong." He cried and hugged me closer to his chest. "I'm so sorry." He said as I reached up, wiping his tears. "Colby." I said and he looked down at me, "you didn't do anything wrong." I repeated and he nodded. "Come on." I said quietly and got up out of his arms and held my hand out. "What are you doing?" He looked up at me.
"Come on." I repeated and he grabbed my hand, getting up off the couch. I grabbed my keys and opened the front door.