The Three Nerima Stooges (Your Lie in April comedy AU fic, COMPLETE)

"No Job is Too Small!"

In another part of Tokyo, there was an inn. In one of the rooms was a married couple, having a discussion over some matters. The male said, "Do we really have to knock him off??" The woman replied with "What?" The male continued with "Why can't you just divorce him?" The wife said "You know why. His father made me sign a prenup." The husband then replied with "So what? We have each other. We don't need your husband's money." The wife said, "Maybe we don't need it. But I want it. Look, if you're too much of a wuss, just tell me..." Then the husband said "Oh no, no, no, no, I told you. I'm all in. I want your hubby gone just as badly as you do. I'm just new at this, that's all." The husband continued with "Okay. So how are we going to do it?"

Just then, the two noticed sounds of drumming and tooting outside the inn. It was Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari. The husband demanded to know, "What is that racket?" From ground level, the three were making the noises advertising themselves for hire. Tsubaki, wearing a sandwich board saying WILL WORK FOR  35 MILLION YEN (MEALS INCLUDED), said "35 million yen! First taker gets a three-man working machine! It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks!" Kaori, holding a vuvuzela, said "That's right, you guys! No job is too small! We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes!" Watari, banging on a drum, added, "We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze!"

Kaori then slapped Watari, telling him "Dammit, Watari! What part of 'Don't give away the fine print' do you NOT understand?!" Tsubaki then asked Kaori, "Hey, Kaori, what's the big deal?" Kaori then slapped Tsubaki and told her "Shaddup! Now smarten up, you two, or have you forgotten there's my family, Kousei, his family and a bunch of kids counting on us? We have....." Kaori then checked her phone to see how many days they had to accomplish their mission. "....28 days to raise the 35 million yen."

Just then, Tsubaki came across a three-person delinquent gang. Tsubaki said to one of them, who was wearing his pants too low, "Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you." Tsubaki then pulled the boy's pants up. The guy said, "Hey, girl, you trying to get yourself capped?" Tsubaki then said "Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?" The first delinquent said, "Can you believe this girl?" The third delinquent said "Crazy, man." Tsubaki then told the three "See you later, fellas."

As the three were pitching themselves, the married couple, overlooking them inside the inn, had an idea. The wife said, "I think we just found the answer to our prayers." Meanwhile, back on ground level, Kaori told Tsubaki and Watari, "You guys, we're getting nowhere fast. Now spread out and go drum up some business." Kaori then instructed Watari, "Go on!" Watari said to Kaori, "I'll go when I'm ready." Kaori asked him, "Are you ready?" Watari then said to her, "Sure, I'm ready." Watari then walked away and Kaori told him, "Go on!" Tsubaki continued her pitch. "35 million yen! We prefer it in 10,000-yen bills, folks." Just then, Tsubaki came across several bow-and-arrow sets.

Tsubaki then asked Kaori, "Kaori.... now what would these bows and arrows be doing around here?" Kaori told Tsubaki, "Beats the hell outta me." Tsubaki picked up one of them and got out an arrow to shoot at. Tsubaki then shot out the arrow. She looked momentarily to see where the arrow was going. She said, "Wow. In the wrong hands, this thing could be dangerous without proper safety techniques." Kaori said "No bull, Sherlock." Tsubaki then reconvened with both Kaori and Watari. Tsubaki told the two, "Guys, we've been at this for a couple days now and all I got is a hole in my shoe."

Tsubaki then pointed to the hole in her shoe that was about the size of a U.S. quarter (25 cent piece). Kaori then said "Oh, my. You better get new shoes, Tsubaki. The kid's right. There's gotta be a way to make a living! Come on, think, guys!" Some think music played. The three tried to drum up ideas on how to make big money in 30 days. Nothing was coming to them. Just then, Watari did his "woob-woob" routine and started to make break-dancing like moves on the pavement. Tsubaki told Kaori, "Look, Watari's onto something!" Kaori asked Watari "Spit it out, tiger!" Watari got back up. "I can't! It's stuck. Jar it loose, Kaori!" Kaori bonked on Watari's head.

Watari then told the two "What about a job where you could sleep all day, meet beautiful babes at night, and make millions for doing absolutely nothing!" Kaori then said to Watari "Oh, boy! That's genius. So, what's the job?" Watari told the two "That is the job!" Kaori then asked him "And who's gonna pay you?" to which Watari replied with "The boss." Tsubaki beamed with "You know, it's just crazy enough to work." Kaori then got upset. "Why, you!" Kaori poked Watari on his eyes. "And you!" Tsubaki blocks her with the sign, but Kaori slapped her. "Come on in here!" Kaori then bumped Tsubaki and Watari's heads together. Just then, the couple from the inn came by to see the three. Watari told his friends, "Hey, guys, I think we got a customer!" Kaori then said as she got out a mini handheld telescope, "You're right, Watari, we've got a good-looking gal in our midst!"

The wife of the couple came out of a BMW. Tsubaki remarked "Whoa. Would you look at those getaway sticks...." Watari made some dog-barking noises. Kaori then instructed the two, "Spread out, guys! I'll do the talking here." She then stood with firmly with her arms crossed, as if she were in a position of authority. Kaori said to the woman "I'm the CEO of this here operation. What can we do for you?" The woman said to Kaori, "I'll pay you 35 million yen for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes." Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki gave off looks of surprise to each other upon realizing that the woman was offering them that much money to do something for her. Watari said, "We'll take it. Who do we have to murder?"

All three of them laughed together. The woman said, "My husband." All three of them then exclaimed fearfully. Kaori then said, "Sorry, lady. You came to the wrong place. We're working stiffs, not common crooks!" The woman said, "But you don't understand. You will be doing him a great service." Tsubaki then asked, "Says who?" The husband of the couple said, "Says me." Kaori then asked, "Wait a minute, who are you?" The man replied with "I'm her husband." Just then, Tsubaki then asked the man "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me she's planning your funeral and you're okay with it?" The man continued with "Well, I know it sounds a bit peculiar." Watari then said "No, no, no. That doesn't sound peculiar. This sounds peculiar." Watari then shook his head and made some weird grinding noises.

The woman then briefed the three on the man's "situation". "My husband's suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him." The man then added "Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. Pain increasing daily before I lapse into an irreversible coma." Watari smiled with "I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma-toes." Tsubaki smirked, saying "Good one, Watari." Kaori said, "Oh, coma-toes, huh?" Watari replied with "Yeah." With that, Kaori then stomped on Watari's left foot. "Are they awake now?"

The man then continued on with "You guys." Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki and the gang looked behind. "You guys." They turned their attention back at the man "I'm sure you can understand why I prefer to leave this world on my own terms rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable." Kaori then said, with a bit of doubt in her voice, "I don't know.... this sounds a bit fishy and illegal." Tsubaki then said "Wait a minute, legs. Did you say 35 million yen?" The woman said to the three "Yes, I did." Tsubaki let out a little whistle, then said "My, That's a good day's pay." Something then dawned on Watari. "Hey, wait a minute, fellas. That's exactly the amount of money we're looking for!"

Kaori, now having been won over by the promise of that sum of money by the couple then said "You're right. This must be fate, Time Bomb! You can count us in!" The man then told the three "That's swell. Thank you." As they said this, the three friends shook the man's hand, but Tsubaki's wound up smacking Kaori's face with her hands. "YOW-OW-WOW-OW-WOW!" she yelped. The man then told them, "Now here's what we were thinking."

All three of them said "Yes?" "I'd like to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night and smother me while I'm sleeping." "Yes, yes!" all three of them said. "But do not turn on the lights." the man instructed them. All three of the friends said, "No, no, no!" Kaori then questioned the man. "Hold up. Why don't you want the lights on?" The man continued on with "Well, I want it to be a surprise." Kaori then said "Oh, we get it. You don't want to see it coming, eh?" The man said "Exactly." Just then, Tsubaki saw a bus on the street coming towards their direction. She said "Hey, look. It's that guy from that thing all the kids are talking about!"

Watari then accidently bumped into the man with full force, as he yelled "WHOOOOAAA!" he then got run over by the bus, causing him to be tossed at least 20 feet/6 meters in the air. The woman looked on in horror. He then got run over by a street cleaner, saying "HELP ME!", then got hit by a girl jumping on her pogo stick, and, finally, took an arrow on the leg. After all that, He went unconscious on the crosswalk. Tsubaki, Watari and Kaori, all cheered with approval. "That settles that!"

The three then said "Success!" a few times, commending each other on what they thought was a job well done. The woman was rather upset with the three. She screamed "What did you do?! That was not the plan!" Kaori then told the woman, "What're you yaking about? He just said he didn't want to see it coming!" Tsubaki then told the woman "Hey, hey. You look like you could use a grief massage. Let it go. Let it go. Try to live in the now." He then rubbed the woman's back. "GET OFF ME!" she yelled at Tsubaki. She then said to the woman as she walked away "Too soon?"

The woman then got into her BMW and drove off in a huff. The woman then drove back to a mansion, unaware that the gang latched onto the car from behind via three skateboards. The three of them then sniffed. "Hey, you smell garbage burning?" Kaori noticed. It turned out the skateboard wheels had given off a burning polyurethane smell, and some smoke was coming out of them. "Oh, jeez, the skateboards!" Kaori yelled out. The woman then noticed the three trying to get rid of the burning smell from their skateboards. She gasped upon seeing them again.

"What the hell are you three doing here?" the woman demanded to know. Kaori then told her "Hey, we want the dough-re-mi you owe us, lady." Watari then said "Yes, 35 million yen!" Tsubaki added "Plus meals!" A butler then told the lady "May I have a moment, ma'am?" The woman said, "Excuse me, you guys." She went into the mansion. Kaori told both Watari and Tsubaki, "Mind your P's and Q's." Watari said "Don't forget to dot the I's!" "Certainly!" Kaori said. She then poked Watari in the eyes and bonked Tsubaki on her head.

Meanwhile, inside the mansion, the butler informed the woman, "I'm afraid I have unfortunate news. I've just received word that Mr. Kaneyama was struck by a bus." The woman asked the butler "Oh no. So, Akira Kaneyama is dead?" The butler then replied with "No." The woman asked "No? Are you sure?" The butler said "Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape. Your husband is in contact with Ishikawajima Memorial Hospital. He said he'd call with any news." The woman said, "Thank you, Matsuura." Just then, as butler Matsuura left, Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari then came up to the woman. Tsubaki demanded "Come on, blondie. Pay up. A deal's a deal!" The woman slaps the three Nerima Stooges across their faces. "Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died. And on that count, you have all failed miserably!" Kaori asked "Wait, what? You mean he's still kicking?" The woman then angrily told the three "That's right, you idiots! You have ruined my life, now get the hell out of here!"

Just then, all three got slapped again, knocked over the wall and landed onto the outside lawn of the mansion. All three of them looked dazed. Tsubaki was the first to recover. said "Where am I? Kaori? You okay?" Kaori, who was also dazed, said "I'm sorry, but the number you've dialed for Kaori Miyazono is not in service..." Tsubaki then poked Kaori's navel. She came back to her senses. "Oh, sorry, Tsubaki. Thanks... I needed that." Watari then said "Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out at 11..." Kaori then smacked Watari's nose. "Oh, god... oh, jeez... man, my ass is in pain..." All three of them had now fully recovered. Kaori then said "Boy, what a hothead!" Tsubaki then added "That is one mean bitch!"

Something then dawned on Kaori. "Lightbulb! Wait a second, with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks, it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face and give him the surprise send-off he wanted." Tsubaki said to Kaori, "Good thinking. We'll be doing the guy a favor and making enough money to save the orphanage. It's like killing two birds with one pillow!" Kaori smiled and said, "It's colossal!" Tsubaki added "It's stupendous!" Watari then added "It's even mediocre!" Kaori then hit Watari's nose. She then told Watari "Say 'Aah'!" Watari then said "Aah!" Kaori grabbed Watari by his mouth, then Tsubaki by her nose. Kaori then told her two friends "C'mon, let's go! To the Ishikawajima Memorial Hospital! Time's a-waist'in!" All three of them then ventured into the hospital, looking for Akira Kaneyama.