The Three Nerima Stooges (Your Lie in April comedy AU fic, COMPLETE)

Finding Akira Kaneyama

CONTENT WARNING: Some toliet humor and some cartoonish humor (with TNT, almost like Looney Tunes) is in this chapter. This sense of humor may not be shared by everyone. If this weirds you out, well, please don't read this chapter.
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As Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki arrived at Ishikawajima Memorial Hospital, their first order of business was to find Akira Kaneyama. They sauntered towards the receptionists' desk. A lady at the desk put up a sign on the desk saying VISITING HOURS ARE OVER. Kaori, trying to be as stealthy as possible about their objectives, whispered to both Watari and Tsubaki "Okay, you lumps. Just keep your lips zippered. I'll sweet-talk our way in, guys." Kaori approached the desk lady and asked, "Hey, bulldog, how's about being a sport and letting us visit an old pal? What do you say?" The desk lady pointed to the sign on her desk. "Can't you read? Visiting hours are over." Watari then asked, "Even for his family?" The desk lady answered with "Are you family?" Watari then replied "Certainly. His mother and my mother were both mothers." The desk lady then said "You heard me, no more visitors."

Kaori whispered "Damn..... come on, guys." The three then walked away from the desk, and then saw three nurses head into the staff lounge. Just then, an idea sprang to Kaori. "Lightbulb..... come on, guys, let's head into the there." Kaori pointed to the staff lounge, and all three of them ventured into the room. She then made sure nobody was looking, so as to not arouse suspicion of their objectives. Lots of screams were heard, and at one point, Tsubaki opened the door of the staff lounge, but Kaori dragged him back in.

All three of them took the clothes of the three nurses and were now disguised as them. Watari was disguised as a female nurse, and Tsubaki, in turn was now cosplaying a male nurse. Kaori was dressed as one, but wore glasses, which reminded of how she looked a few years earlier. Tsubaki smiled at Kaori. "My, you have quite the professional look." Kaori smiled at Tsubaki. "Heh, thanks..... I haven't worn glasses in a few years." She then turned her attention to the disguised-as-a-female Watari. "Watari, you fool, is that the best you can do? You're scaring the customers." Watari, speaking in a somewhat more feminine tone than his normal voice, told Kaori "I'm sorry. I didn't bring my false eyelashes."

Kaori then took part of Tsubaki's eyebrows. Tsubaki then said to Kaori, "Hey! What's the big idea?" Kaori fired back and said, "Mind your business." Kaori then took Tsubaki's eyebrows and applied it to Watari's eyelashes. Watari asked Kaori "Kaori, what are you..." Kaori then said, "Hold still." and put the eyelashes on Watari. "There you go. There. That completes the look." She then instructed Watari, "Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is. Hurry." Watari did as told. Tsubaki then was busy talking in a stethoscope. She pretended she was on the game show Jeopardy!. Tsubaki said into it, "Who are the Hamilton Tiger-Cats?" Kaori then said to Tsubaki "Hey, let me see that." Kaori took a reflex hammer to the stethoscope and banged on it. It made an exploding noise. Tsubaki said "OW! JEEZ, KAORI!"

Nurse Watari then asked another receptionist, this one a male, "Excuse me, dreamsicle. That patient who got hit by a bus, what room is he in?" The man answered "That would be 386." Nurse Watari said with a wink "Okay. Thank you." The man then took notice of Nurse Watari's feminine looks. "Say. I haven't noticed you around here before. I like curvy women." Nurse Watari smiled and said, "I bet you say to all the gals." The man asked Nurse Watari "What do you say, me and you, go out Saturday night, grab some falafels and couple of pops. Huh?" Nurse Watari then said, "Why wait when you can have a pop right now?" and slapped the man, then walked away. Doctor Kaori then asked Nurse Watari, "How'd you make out?" Watari then said "I don't know. I guess we'll find out Saturday night." Doctor Kaori then said "I mean with the..."

Before Kaori could complete her sentence, the mean desk lady found the three. Tsubaki said, in a somewhat panicked voice "LOOK!" All three of them exclaimed in fear as the desk lady approached them. As they saw her, the three attempted to run for it. The three of them found themselves in another room and locked it. A nurse was waiting for the three. The nurse asked "Doctor? Excuse me. May I have a word with these ladies? Doctor?" Kaori then bonked Tsubaki on the head. Tsubaki then said, "Oh!" and then added, in a more masculine and deeper tone of voice for her "Yes. Proceed." The nurse said to the three "Come on, girls. Let's get these diapers changed A-S-A-P."

They found themselves in a nursery, in a room full of babies. Nurse Tsubaki looked over a curtain in the room and informed her friends "That stupid bitch is still out there!" Doctor Kaori then told the two "Come on, you two! Let's blend in until the smoke clears!" Nurse Watari said "But we don't know anything about babies." Doctor Kaori then said "What's there to know? If you check under the hood and if there's a leak, you change the filter! Come on, get busy!" Watari turned his gaze over a set of triplets. "Ah, triplicates." He said, trying to play with them. "Cootchie cootchie coo. Cootchie cootchie coo."

One of the triplets bit his index finger, however, and Nurse Watari tried to remove the dirty diaper off him. "You must be French. That's a lot of wee-wee." He then disposed of the dirty diaper. "Alright, raise your hand. Who wants to go first?" He then asked them. Nurse Watari then got peed on by one of the babies. "Fine. You bat lead-off!" he said and put a fresh diaper on one of the babies. "Here you go. You like that? We'll fix you up." Just then, two babies peed on Nurse Watari.

He then tried to wipe himself off of all of that. "Double crossers, eh? Oh." he then said. Nurse Watari then retrieved a metal tray, and asked, "Hiya, boys. Yeah. Now who do we got?" He deflected the babies' pee with a metal tray, only for it to hit Doctor Kaori. Upon realizing this, Nurse Watari looked on horror at Doctor Kaori. Needless to say, she was rather upset. Nurse Watari pleaded with Doctor Kaori, "No, Kaori! Take it easy! Let's talk this out! Come on!" As Doctor Kaori held one of the babies, he peed on Nurse Watari. Doctor Kaori said "Yeah, yeah. How do you like them apples?" Nurse Watari then countered with "Oh, a pea-shooter, eh? Yeah, I'll fix you!" Doctor Kaori pleaded to Watari "Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Nurse Watari then got another baby, and he peed on Kaori. Nurse Tsubaki, noticing Kaori and Watari playing dueling babies, said to the two "Hey, you guys! Where's your hypocritical oath?"

Nurse Kaori said with a mischievous tone of voice, "Here you go!" Nurse Watari and Doctor Kaori got out their babies and they peed on Nurse Tsubaki. She tried to deflect all of what both babies that Nurse Watari and Doctor Kaori were aiming at Nurse Tsubaki. She was incensed. "That's it, you two! THIS MEANS WAR!" All three of then engaged in a pee fight. It was looking like a shootout at the O.K. Corral. Tsubaki tried her best to evade the fountain-like scene. Moments later, Kaori, holding a baby, told Tsubaki, who was holding another one, "Freeze. Put him down now. Real slow. Don't do anything stupid. This one's got a hair trigger." Nurse Tsubaki did as told. "Now slide him over." Again, Nurse Tsubaki did as instructed.

Doctor Kaori then asked, "Any last words?" Nurse Watari used a baby to get back at Doctor Kaori. Nurse Tsubaki was about to slingshot some diapers. One of the real nurses asked as she stepped into the room, "What the hell is going on here?" Nurse Tsubaki then shot diapers hit her and the gang, exclaiming in horror, ran off in a hurry, with Nurse Watari letting out his "Woob-woob-woob" sound. Again, largely to be stealthy about their mission, they hid under a dinner table. Doctor Kaori then whispered to her two friends, "There's no way they can catch us here."

The table took to room 386, where Akira Kaneyama was held. Tsubaki, upon finding room 386 told the two, "This is it, room 386. This is where Akira Kaneyama is." By now, all three of them were back in their casual clothing; Tsubaki in a pair of blue jeans and a teal T-shirt, Watari in a Famicom controller T-shirt with a track jacket and blue jeans, and Kaori in her Saskatchewan Roughriders polo shirt and black jeans (and was without her glasses again); all of them also wore Nike shoes. All three of them went into room 386 and found a man in a full-body cast.

It was Akira Kaneyama. Or, at least it was supposed to be him. Kaori said, "I believe that's Kaneyama....." She then turned her attention to Tsubaki. "Captain Tsubaki, turn on the tubes so nobody hears us!" Kaori then instructed Watari, "Captain Watari, start smothering him while I wedge that door shut." She then said to man in the full-body cast, "Alright, bed-sores, nap's over. Time to get you some exercise." Kaori then picked him up and told him as she took him to one of the doors, "Here we go. There we are. All right. There we go. Yeah. Okay." Once she got to the door, she told the man, "Now don't you go anywhere, okay? Okay."

Kaori then went back to Watari, who was with another man in full-body cast; this man was Akira Kaneyama, unlike the other man that Kaori had picked up. Watari was peeling and cutting onions over Akira. "I thought I told you to smother him!" Watari then said to Kaori, "I am. I'm smothering him with onions." Kaori groaned, and Tsubaki, from a distance, snickered a little. "Oh, good thinking, Emeril. Yeah. Let me see that!" Kaori took the peeler and shaved a little bit of Watari's hair with it. "OW-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-OW!" Watari yelped. He said as he stopped the yelping, "Hey, look. A kitty cat." Watari was watching a news report on the TV. Kaori stopped and turned her attention to the TV. It showed a male reporter at the Ueno Zoo, with protesters holding signs in regard to a lion at the zoo.

The reporter said on the screen "Well, it's been a bad week for Kaede the Lion. His nasty disposition has prompted Ueno Zoo officials to put the proud cat on a short leash inside his pen. Zoo employees were refusing to clean the ornery beast's cage after several recent close calls." As Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki watched the news report on the TV, Akira shuddered as he watched the news report and slipped inside the body cast. Tsubaki turned her attention to Akira, and informed her friends, "Uh oh. He's gone!" Kaori then said "No, he ain't. He's turtling! We're going to need to blast. Mr. Shaggy Hair Boy, you got any dynamite?" Watari exposed his jacket, revealing sticks of TNT. "Hey, I always come prepared, you girls!"

Kaori then took one of the sticks of TNT, with Tsubaki lighting the fuse. Kaori said, as she was about to put the stick inside head opening of the body cast "This is going to work like a charm, you two..... fire in the neck hole! Take cover!" As they took cover, Akira threw the dynamite at the three, standing behind a curtain. All three of them exclaimed fearfully as the stick of dynamite landed on them and Tsubaki instructed Kaori "Hurry up, Kaori! Put the dynamite back in!" Kaori did just that, running back to Akira's body cast and re-inserting the dynamite back in the face opening of the body cast. Moments later, the TNT exploded inside the body cast. All three of them took their heads past the curtain to look at Akira. Akira then commanded, "Nurse! Nurse! Nurse, help!"

Kaori then told Akira, "Hey, hey, just relax, pal. We'll have a toe tag on you in no time!" Kaori then smothered Akira's face with a pillow. Akira said in a muffled voice, "No, no! Wait! Wait!" Kaori then asked, "What is it?" Kaori then put the pillow away and Akira told her, "You don't need to kill me anymore. I'm cured!" Kaori asked Akira, "Cured? What are you yappin' about, plaster boy?" Akira told Kaori and her friends, "The bus. They say it knocked the disease right out of me. The doctors couldn't believe it. They say it's a miracle!" Tsubaki sighed, then said "A miracle! Just our luck!"

Just then, two cops, one a tall slim man, the other shorter and more rotund, were about to head into room 386, with the desk lady accompanying them. The taller cop said "I can't believe my game of Persona 5 got interrupted by this call about three morons here! I was so close to meeting Futaba! Who are they again?" The shorter policeman said "Well, officer Kurosawa, one is a girl with long blond hair, the other is a girl with short brown hair, and their third friend is a boy with short hair." Officer Kurosawa said "I see. So, Miss Sakata, these three people have been causing havoc here, huh?" Miss Sakata, the receptionist told the two officers, "You are correct, officers Kurosawa and Sonoda." As the three approached the room, the door was rattling. Tsubaki alerted her friends, "Everyone, hide!" The door opened and Miss Sakata, along with officers Kurosawa and Sonoda, arrived in the room. "I'm telling you, those bums are in here. This is the room they were looking for."

Tsubaki pretended to be a patient (with Kaori and Watari also part of the disguise), but the Miss Sakata was not fooled; she saw through the disguise. Tsubaki was reading a Japanese sports magazine. "Hmm..... I see that the Toronto Argonauts got a new coach.... and the CFL will have more games aired live in Japan, too...." she said as she read through the magazine. Miss Sakata then uncovered the sheet, with Kaori's legs, lying down on two chairs, serving as the disguise, and Tsubaki holding crutches sideways. Both of them exclaimed fearfully, with Kaori saying, "Let's beat feet!", then both of them ran.

Watari, who was in another part of the room, hurled a cart in the direction of officers Kurosawa and Sonoda, and also ran with his two friends. Soon, Watari, Kaori and Tsubaki were being chased by Miss Sakata, the receptionist and officers Kurosawa (the taller one) and Sonoda (the shorter one). "AFTER THEM!" Miss Sakata yelled as the chase began. The three friends ran, and as Watari did his "WOOB-WOOB-WOOB!" thing, he put a rectangular trashcan as a barricade to the officers; however, officer Kurosawa successfully jumped over it. "Those SOBs, I can't believe I can't finish Persona 5 because of them!" Inside a laundry room, one of the workers said "Break time, ladies!" as she checked her watch. "Couldn't have come fast enough...." said another worker."

Just then, as the room emptied, Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki found themselves inside the laundry room. Kaori then told the three as they huddled up, "Huddle! Boxcar 45 on three. Break! One, two, three!" Tsubaki then rolled a laundry cart near the door, and officer Kurosawa landed on it and slid; he hit his head on an ironing table that Watari had put up. Kurosawa then fell on the floor unconscious. Tsubaki told the two "He don't look so good." Kaori then asked "Check his pulse!" Tsubaki then felt officer Kurosawa's wrist. "I got nothing, Kaori." Watari then asked "You mean, he's..." Kaori then said "Not on my watch. Quick, get me the paddles!"

Watari then handed Kaori two steam irons, using them as a defibrillator. Tsubaki then opened up officer Kurosawa's shirt, exposing his bare chest. "CLEAR!" Kaori yelled, as she took the irons to officer Kurosawa's chest, screaming from the pain from the two steam irons. All four of them then screamed, with Kurosawa screaming "AAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!" Watari then screamed, "IT'S A ZOMBIE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!" Soon, Kaori, Watari and Tsubaki then ran off, trying to evade being captured by the two officers and Miss Sakata, the receptionist.