The Three Nerima Stooges (Your Lie in April comedy AU fic, COMPLETE)

"The Old Kaori is Back!"/The Anniversary Party

CONTENT WARNING: Some strong language, and the involvement of a certain part of the female anatomy.....
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Tsubaki, Watari and Kaori ventured into a teen clothing store. Both of Kaori's friends wanted to get the old Kaori back, so in they went. They couldn't quite decide on how to make her over, but after about a half-hour of disagreeing with how to dress her up, they finally found something sporty, and Tsubaki and Watari approved. Kaori was now back to her regular self again. She said to her two friends "Well, I'm glad I'm my old self again. The old Kaori is back!"

Tsubaki and Watari nodded in agreement as they left the store. "And thank god that navel piercing is no more.... it was killing my sensitivity!" Tsubaki said "Agreed.... you looked out of place as a punk rocker." Watari said "Now we have to get dressed for the anniversary party that Masao's at!" The three then made their way into a formal clothing store. Kaori would be clad in a white dress, Tsubaki in a red dress, and Watari in a tuxedo.

Meanwhile, at the Kishida mansion, where Masao was having his party, Akira and Shizuka talked to each other about the party. "I don't get you, Shizuka. Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Masao? I thought we were trying to kill that guy." Shizuka said "We are. We just need lots of witnesses when that butthead 'accidentally' falls from the balcony." Akira said "Oh, I see where you're going with this now, Shizuka." Just then, Mr. Kishida came over to the two and said "Well, you eight are certainly looking rather cozy."

He then noticed the scratch on the right side of Akira's face. "Good lord, Akira. What happened to your face?" Akira said "New kitty. I'm going to go and freshen up my drink....." and walked off. Meanwhile, two children, a boy and a girl came up to Shizuka. "Mrs. Kishida, may we please go upstairs and play in Masao's game room?" the boy asked. Shizuka then said "No, you can't go upstairs. Masao is busy entertaining some of my bowling club friends. Go! Play with the balloons." The girl said "But my stupid brother popped all the balloons! This is the last one." Shizuka then asked a woman, "We can get more balloons. Miss Satou, go get more balloons." Miss Satou said "Yes, ma'am."

Outside the mansion, Butler Matsuura greeted people that were coming in. "Madame. Madame. Sir, madame." Butler Matsuura then noticed, from back to front, Tsubaki, Watari and Kaori on an elongated skateboard, almost like Santa Claus's sleigh, being accompanied by six large dogs with Kaori holding their leash. "MUSH! MUSH!" Kaori commanded them as she wielded a horse racing whip to get the dogs moving. Just then, Kaori lost control of the leash and the skateboard, and as she lost control, she yelled "OH, CRAP, YOU GUYS!" Butler Matsuura said as she saw the three "What the...?" and all three careened into Butler Matsuura. "WHOAAA!" screamed Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari as they tackled him to the ground.

All four quickly got back up, and shook themselves off, and both Kaori and Tsubaki adjusted their dresses so they wouldn't be showing anything inappropriate. "Now, we got to...." Tsubaki then accidentally slapped Kaori as she turned around and faced Tsubaki. "WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!" As she stopped, Kaori said "What's the matter with you? You had the rudder. Don't you know how to drive?" Tsubaki said "It just went out of control. What kind of dogs are those anyway?" Kaori said, "Just some standard Shiba Inus." Tsubaki said "There's your problem, Kaori. I can't drive a standard."

Butler Matsuura approached the trio. "You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?" Kaori said "Outta the way, 3PO. We gotta get Masao." Matsuura then shoved Kaori, which caused a domino effect as Kaori bonked Tsubaki, then Tsubaki bonked Watari. "OW!" they all yelled. Matsuura said "This is an invitation-only party. Now, get out and good day!" As he said this, he pointed to the backyard. All three walked off, dejected. Watari said, "Well, damn. Now what are we going to do, girls?" Miss Satou said "Keitarou Koizumi, send those balloon people in as soon as they get here." Mr. Koizumi said, "Will do."

Kaori then told, "Liiiightbulb! You guys, that is our cue. Now, let's get moving!" Moments later, Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari walked back into the mansion holding lots of balloons, posing as those so called "balloon people". Kaori said, "Balloon people coming through!" Tsubaki said "We're the balloon people, at your service! Out of our way, these things are heavy!" Kaori then handed a balloon to the man guarding the gate as he opened it for the three, saying "There you go, crusher."

The three had made their way back in the Kishida mansion. They tried to look for Masao. Kaori told Tsubaki and Watari, "Guys, I don't see him anywhere." Watari then said, "I smell lobster...." Kaori then instructed her friends, "Okay, you guys, spread out and look for Masao. And remember, a man's life is at stake here." As the three split up, Watari gave his bunch of balloons to a young girl. "Ah, here you are, short stack." He said as he handed the girl his balloons. "Thanks, mister." The girl replied, and as she got the balloons, she went flying up in the air.

Meanwhile, Tsubaki took a drink from a fountain, drinking it almost like a dog would. "Aah.... that's good." She then said to a man waiting for his turn, "You're up, pal." The man said "No thanks.... my, that's an interesting haircut." Tsubaki said "Thanks, but it's not without some help. I have a great deal of product in there." The man left, and Tsubaki turned her attention to Watari, who was holding a whole punch bowl.

"Hey! Where are your manners?" Watari raised his pinkie finger at her. "Attaboy." Watari then took a huge gulp of the punch, and when he finished, he asked Tsubaki, "How's the dip?" Tsubaki said "Here, try it for yourself." Tsubaki took her finger and put some dip on it. Watari then licked it off, and he liked the taste. "Hmm.... that's some nice crab dip....." he said contently.

Then, a heavy-set woman said "Hokkaido is so yesterday. This season we're thinking of going to Canada." Just then, Kaori approached the woman, and asked "Hey, Jumbotron, you seen Masao anywhere?" The woman said "No, I haven't. How rude!" and walked off. Her husband also looked at Kaori repulsively and walked away as well. Kaori then saw Tsubaki and Watari waiting in line for some food. Kaori came up to them. Kaori asked them "Pardon me, but what are you grub worms doing?"

Tsubaki said "Just having some snacks." Watari then said, "Getting seconds on lobster." Kaori then said to Watari "Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach!" Watari then showed Kaori a small bowl of a pink liquid and said to her "I dipped it in Pesto-Bismol!" Kaori then said to Watari "Oh! You like dipping, eh? Come here!" and dunked Watari's head into a water tank, and when she pulled Watari's head back up, he had a live lobster stuck to the bottom of his head. "YAAAH! GET THIS THING OUTTA MY FACE!!" Watari yelled. Tsubaki said as she giggled at Watari "Look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!" Kaori said to Tsubaki, "What did I tell you about puns, you dumbass?"

Kaori then said to her "I BET YOU'LL LIKE THIS!!" and then took the lobster and put it at the bottom of Tsubaki's red dress. The lobster than made its way up Tsubaki's dress, making all sorts of weird noises, before the lobster reached her chest, and put both of its pincers on Tsubaki's nipples. This hurt Tsubaki so bad, she screamed out loud, and singing a high note like an opera singer. Kaori and Watari covered their ears over this loud noise. with Kaori thinking to herself, her face filled with annoyance Damn, that's loud! I didn't know she could sing THAT high! Watari, on the other hand, had spirals in his eyes despite the fact his ears were covered. After a few moments, and with her chest in pain, Tsubaki then threw the lobster away and it landed on Shizuka's face. Shen the angrily threw it away, and noticed Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari play-fighting, bonking and smacking each other silly.

Shizuka said "Excuse me..." and tried to walk over to the three. "WHADDYA TRYING TO DO, GET US THROWN OUT OF HERE? I'LL FIX YOU!!" Kaori said to Tsubaki. Kaori then took a live octopus and said to herself, "It's first and ten at the Calgary Stampeder 25-yard line, Kaori goes back to throw..." and threw the octopus at Tsubaki. It instead missed her and hit a male guest in its face. Tsubaki then took a shovel that was near her and tried to get the octopus off the man's face. "Hold still, mister, I'll get it for you!" She then swung the shovel at the octopus, but it leapt off before she could hit it and hit the man's face instead. Shizuka told Akira "Those three asswipes are here at the party, Akira!" Akira then said "Momoiro Clover Z? Where are they?" Shizuka said, "NO! That blond violin girl, plus her two asshat friends! They crashed the party!" Akira then said "Oh, shit. We got to get them out before they ruin everything!" The two tried to run over to the three, but a French chef got in their way.

"Madame, may I present to you my masterpiece!" He then showed them a large, four-layer cake. Just then, a woman screamed in horror over the same girl that Watari gave the balloons to earlier, as she was now in the air with those balloons. "SOMEBODY HELP HER!" The girl said "MOMMY! HELP!" Kaori asked "Hurry! Think of something, lamebrains!" Just then, Tsubaki noticed a bow and arrow hung on a wall. "Hey, look! A balloon popper!" Tsubaki then got the bow and arrow set down and ran up and tried to aim the arrow at the girl with the balloons. Kaori tried to stop her from using the bow and arrow, saying "What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there. You think you're an expert at holding this bow and arrow?" Kaori then bonked the bow on Tsubaki's forehead, releasing the arrow, and popping a couple of the balloons. The girl then fell down, but what broke her fall was the large cake made by the French chef. The girl was safe, but pretty excited over that high she got. "That was awesome!" she said. The chef wailed "No!!! Mon gâteau!!"

Kaori then said to a few men that were near them "Come on, fellas. Pardon me." The three found themselves surrounded by the Kishida's bodyguards. Kaori said "Oh, god, we're cornered! The Kishidas have their guards out in full force!" They exclaimed fearfully as they made their way inside the mansion. In one corner, the guards were there. In another was Akira Kaneyama. They made their way upstairs and inside Masao's room. As the two girls ran ahead of Watari, he told them "GIRLS! WAIT UP!" Watari tried to close the doors of the room but wound up opening them both. Kaori slapped him silly. "Come on!" she said as he dragged Watari by his ear. "OW, KAORI! TAKE IT EASY THERE!! EASY!!" he yelled. Masao was on his bed, wearing a tank top and shorts "Where.... am I?" he asked. He was dazed and drugged. "Masao.... Masao..... Masao..... Masao! Speak to me! What is going on? What's wrong?" Kaori asked him and jostled him lightly. Masao responded with "Who are you?" Kaori said, "It's us, Kaori...." "Tsubaki...." Tsubaki then added, and finally Watari "And Watari!"

Masao came to his senses and said "Guys..... guys..... what are you doing here?" Kaori said, "It's alright, we'll get you outta here...." Just then, before the three could do anything more, Akira and Shizuka walked into the room, with Akira brandishing a pistol and a martini glass. Akira then quickly hid the pistol behind his back. Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari exclaimed fearfully as they came in. Kaori asked "What is the meaning of this?" Masao then said "Oh, hey, Akira, Hey, Shizuka-chan, thanks so much for inviting Kaori and her friends behind my back." Kaori then said, "That's not the only thing she's doing behind your back!" Watari added "She's going to smother you in your sleep!" Tsubaki also added "And it looks like she gave you a sip of knock-out juice!" Masao said "Shizuka-chan, what the hell are they talking about?" Shizuka said "Honey, I am as confused as you are. All I know is that these people crashed our party, and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy!"

Kaori then said, "Masao, you've known us since you were a baby. Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches. We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?" Masao then said "Wait, Shizuka.... why am I still in bed if the party's going on?" Akira said, "I'll tell you why...." and drew out his pistol and cocked it at Masao, Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari. "Oh, god, no...." Masao said fearfully, with the three also exclaiming fearfully. Mr. Kishida said in a foreboding voice "Don't even think about it, Akira." He too had a pistol in his hands, and ordered Akira, "Real slow now, Akira. Drop it to the floor...." And Akira put down his pistol. Kaori said "Whew....." Masao then said "Good work, dad. I had a feeling something was going on. But you, Akira? I mean, you were my best pal! Why would you do that?" Akira had his hands up in surrender. Akira then said, "It wasn't my idea!" He then pointed to Shizuka, saying "She was calling the shots, I swear!"

As Mr. Kishida continued to hold up his pistol, he said "No, Akira, I was calling the shots." Shizuka walked up to Mr. Kishida and kissed his cheek. "Oh, and you three morons want to know what we did with your friend?" Kaori said "Who, you mean Kousei?" Mr. Kishida, "Yes, your damn friend Kousei!" He then opened up a closet, and in it, was Kousei Arima, bare-chested wearing nothing but sweatpants, bound to a chair, gagged, and his mouth taped shut. Despite the fact his mouth was taped shut, he tried to communicate with his friends. (KAORI! TSUBAKI! WATARI! THESE THREE S.O.B. LOWLIFES TOOK ME AND TIED ME UP! HURRY! HELP ME!! I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE!!)

Kaori looked on in horror at the sight of her captured friend. "OH, MY GOD!" she yelled out. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MY FRIEND?! THAT IS JUST FUCKING WRONG AND LOW!!" she yelled. "YOU REALIZE THAT HE IS ILL! WHAT THE HELL WOULD POSSESS YOU TO KIDNAP MY DEAREST FRIEND?! TO USE US AS PAWNS FOR YOUR LITTLE INHERITANCE SCHEME IS ONE THING, BUT TO TAKE OUR FRIEND AND HOLD HIM CAPTIVE LIKE THAT IS QUITE ANOTHER!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU GODDAMN LOWLIFES!!" Mr. Kishida said "You three ruined Shizuka's plot. So, we retaliated by kidnapping your friend, and I don't give two shits about the fact he's ill!" Mr. Kishida warned. "Everyone, I suggest we finish this discussion in a more secluded place so as not to ruin the party. You three, don't do ANYTHING stupid..... OR IT'S BYE-BYE, KOUSEI!" Shizuka said "Yes. After all, it is my anniversary....." Mr. Kishida said, as he laughed, "Ouch..."