You don't know Me - Chaesoo ✔️

Cap 32

Rosè pov

I woke up in my bed with bandages on my hands and head. Again I didn't feel nothing, just emptiness.

Why does it have to hurt so much? Why can't it be simple? Why life can't give me happiness? Why?

Still I don't want to give up.

Still I want her with me.

Still I want to be the reason of her smile.

Still I don't care if it will take years.

Still I don't care how much I will cry.

Still I don't care about the pain.

Still I love her and until I won't try everythings I won't let her go easily away from my life.

_________
Jisoo pov

"shhhh shhhh it's all okay, mommy is fine" I say rubbing Minju back. Hyunjin was fast asleep and we were in the living room not wanting to wake him up.

I arrived home and did the usual. Play with my kids, clean a little, cook dinner, put them in bed, do some homework and watch little of TV before going to sleep.

Unfortunately Minju couldn't fall asleep and when she went to the living room she found me crying. She got worried and started to cry as well.

"Mommy had have just a bad day. All is okay. Go to sleep sweetie" I said before she calmed down a bit. And here we are now. She falls asleep in my arm after I comfort her about why I was crying.

I put her again in bed and before I exited the room I stop a second to look at them. What will I be without them? What would have happen to me if nothing happened? Would I be able to live a life without them? I don't know.

When i launch myself again in the couch I find a lot interesting observing the white ceiling. 'is all I done enough? Is all I done right? I don't know. I don't fucking know'.

The tears started to flow again but what's the use to wipe them if after there will be others?
In the last week I found myself crying every night thinking if my choices are really correct. I'm always asking if all I've prepared to do after is worth. Going aboard have pros and cons. Pros I could provide a better life for us, cons it's not 100% sure. Cons I will leave all my friends and my memories here. Cons I will loose a part of me.
I know there are more cons than pros but a part of me is convinced that I have the rights to go away from all.
Sometimes I just feel suffocate by all but sometimes I feel this is the only place where I can breath freely.

I also have the urge to go to Rosè and let her explain, but I'm afraid if I will do it all will change. I won't have the courage to leave her.
At school I'm always so harsh toward her and I always feel so guilty. It's the only way I have to hide my true feelings.
Even if at first I thought to hate her then it also changed. I definitely love her but I won't admit it. It will be more painful for me and her.

________day after

After finish school I and the girls went home together. Today Minju and Hyunji are at home of their friends so for now we are alone.

"do you want something to drink?" I ask and they agreed.
I prepare some tea and a bowl of biscuit. When I walk in the room all their gaze were on me.

"what's with that stares?" I ask playful trying to light the umors. They just sat there looking at me with an hint of disappointment. "why aren't you answer? Something is wrong?" I fake the innocent knowing what they want to talk about.

"Jisoo don't you think you are too harsh on her?" Chaeyoung asks

"no I don't"

"why are you treating her like this?" Momo adds while crossing her arms

"just. Because just"

"are you happy seeing her like this?" Joy asks and I shrugged my shoulders a little not answering

"CAN'T YOU FUCKING STOP IT?!!" yell Seulgi making me scared a little "STOP IT!! STOP PUTTING A FAKE SMILE EVERY TIME!! STOP FAKING ALL!!" She adds

"Jisoo she is right. Maybe you think we are dumb or something but all of us noticed your changed of mood." Sana justifies

"it's not true" I lie.

"yes it is and you better get rid of the amount of lie you are believing in you head" - Chaeyoung

"guys I'm not lying"

"LIAR!! YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR!! DO YOU THINK WE DON'T KNOW YOU CRY EVERY NIGHTS?!!" Seulgi shouts again making me flinched "Look If you are going to stay like this okay do what you want, but I won't be there anymore. I'm tired of listening to your lie and watching you suffer in silent alone when you know we are here. We are all fucking here to support you!!"

"I.... I...."

"Jisoo let us help you. We hate see you hurt and we can't do nothing to comfort you because you won't let us" -Sana

"I'm sorry it's just..... It's just....."

"it's just what?" Joy asks

"I don't know. I don't know if all I did was right. I don't know if all I do is correct. I'm afraid to make any mistakes that could hurt me again." I say truly

"Ji you are making things complicated. Don't leave because you are afraid. Don't hide. Don't try to escape from something that you can solve." - Chaeyoung

"I don't know. I don't know what to do"

"Chu follow your heart not your mind. You know what is right to do, don't let the worries takes the control" Jennie eventually says hugging me.

Maybe I should, but I don't feel I'm brave enough.