Dreams Over Reality

Worthlessness

I usually think of myself as dirty gold.
Something that everyone notices as gold, but pushes aside because it's not perfect.
I often wonder why those by my side even care anymore.
I often wonder why I stopped cutting and beating myself.
The pain never stopped.
Why should the scars?
I have so much mental strain nowadays that I'm losing it.
And it's my fault.
Too many things and people affect my mentality that I'm just going insane.
But that's okay.
It only helps me in the end.
Helps making some decisions easier.
Like when I should cry.
I don't really know anymore.
I think I just gave up.
For sure.
I gave up.
Nothing more
Nothing less.
I feel as though the walls I'm trapped in are slowly closing in.
I can hear whispers sometimes.
Telling me things that make me paranoid.
Making me feel paranoid.
Making me feel like shit.
And you know what?
I'm okay with this.
At the end of the day it's my fucking fault.
I would never had to deal with this shit had I not just opened my big fucking mouth.
I would have never made my stupid fucking channel.
I would have never made these connections with people who destroy me.
I would have never had to deal with all of this stupid shit.
I don't know what would have happened.
I wish upon it very often.
I dream about it often.
My life could have been so much different.
I'm not ungrateful for the positive things in my current life.
I'm just upset.
Upset I deal with this fucked up mentality.
I want it to end.
What am I doing?
Why am I even doing this?
What's the point?
I should disappear.
Just one day erase myself from existence.
Get rid of all of my social media.
Get rid of my channel.
Get rid of whoever the fuck I seem to be trying to be.
Why did I trust you?
Why am I crying over you?
Why you?
I feel lied to.
Betrayed.
Why am I crying at all?
There's no point.
I can't tell anybody.
It would further complicate things.
I can't do shit about it.
My head is just spinning round and round.
And yet here I am, crying.
Over some fucking stupid shit.
I've danced with death far too many times.
Why didn't he just kill me?