FireFly

Chapter Twelve

Hours after Connor's talk with Cynthia, there was a faint knock at his bedroom door.

He was sprawled on his bed, headphones in and the only person that would be on the opposite side of that door was either one of his parents or his sister and Connor honestly didn't feel like talking to any one of those options right now.

He ignored it. Instead pulling the covers up to his neck and pretending to be asleep in the hope that perhaps the thing he most desperately craved would suck him in and he could escape. If only for a couple of hours, an escape was an escape.

"Connor?" It was Zoe. She was whispering, he didn't know what time it was but it had to be late otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to keep her voice down.

He was tired. And pissed off. And wanted to sleep. And didn't have the heart to tell her to fuck off. His mind was a constant state between not feeling anything and feeling everything all at once and it was exhausting, but something inside him made the long haired boy stand up and answer the door to see his little sister standing there and looking small and afraid and it filled his entire being up with an overwhelming sense of guilt he didn't know what to do with.

"What?" He asked, voice rough and quiet.

"Can I come in?" She replied, Connor shrugged and stood aside so that Zoe could enter his room. She hadn't been in Connor's bedroom for a long time, now it had gotten to the point where it hurt to remember why.

He closed the door behind her and the two siblings sat down on the ground opposite each other, Connor leaning against his bed and Zoe against the wall.

For a while, neither one said anything. Zoe was looking around the room and Connor was pretending not to notice the way her eyes kept darting to the bloody tissues in the bin or the draw that was open and showed off his bloody pocket knife he'd forgotten to clean.

"Mum told me about your conversation earlier." She eventually said. "She's really upset."

Connor sighed and starred at the floor, "She has no right to be."

"I agree."

"What?" He asked, for the second time that night.

Zoe stretched her legs out and bit her lip in thought before answering, "Mum has no right to be upset with you for not talking about your therapy sessions. The important thing is that you're going, right?"

Connor nodded. Yes, he was still going. He wished he wasn't. Really, he was only doing it for Evan now. And maybe Zoe, he wasn't quite sure of that yet. It wasn't through any fault of Paul's that Connor didn't like going to therapy. Hell, he genuinely liked Paul! The guy was funny and didn't pry if Connor didn't want him to, he respected the older man for that. What he didn't like about therapy, was all the feelings that were brought along with it.

If there was one thing Connor hated most in life, besides the life itself, was talking about his emotions. What was the point? You pour your heart out to a complete stranger that knows shit all about you, they give you some crappy brain exercises or whatever and then you're on your way with most of your heart still poured out and with no place to put it so you lash out at people until you've got no heart left. Then you do it all again next session.

"I know about Evan, you know." Zoe said offhandedly, Connor's head snapped up and his eyes flashed dangerously.

"How?" He demanded.

She shrugged, "Jared told Alana and Alana told me. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Connor, you're always texting someone, out all the time-"

"Who else knows?" He said fiercely, not even bothering to keep his voice down now. The last thing the boys needed was their relationship being talked about by everyone, Connor refused to push Evan into the spotlight like that.

"I don't know!" Zoe replied, "I didn't tell anyone and I think Alana only told me. It's not a big deal though, Connor."

He laughed, "Not a big deal? Zoe, if everyone finds out that we're together by the time school starts again, Evan will be judged for dating a fucking freak like me and I'm not gonna let that happen."

"You're not a-" she cut herself off and sighed, "I won't tell anyone, I'm sorry I bought it up, okay?"

Connor nodded, "'S okay." He whispered.

Zoe smiled tightly and stood up, she was about to leave but on her way out she stopped and turned to look at her brother, "I want you to be happy, Connor, I want you to go back to being my annoying big brother." She admitted softly before leaving and closing the door behind her.

Connor sighed. He wanted that too. More than anything. The only problem was, he didn't know how to get there. The damage had already been done, how do you go about reversing something like that?

The thought of what he had done to Zoe left a very heavy weight on his chest. It was unfair and cruel and the absolute exhaustion that came along with it made Connor completely pass out on the carpeted floor, his mind still racing a million miles a minute.

________________

This chapter took 3 days, 5 rewrites, 2 plot changes and I still hate it.

But I hope you enjoyed anyway!

Iris
Xoxo