FireFly

Chapter Thirty

"Come on, Evan." Jared said, sitting on Evan's bed next to the blonde boy who was buried under the covers, "You can't just sleep your life away."

Oh, but what if he could? It scared Evan how quickly everything can go wrong, it left him with a hollow feeling in his chest when he realised this time last week the two boys were happy and healthy and together and safe.

He hadn't gotten out of bed in a while, hadn't spoken to anyone, he just kind of... stayed there.

Waiting for Connor to walk through his bedroom door as say "Hey Hansen." Like he always did.

"No!" He snapped, tears making their way down his already blotchy and tear stained face, "Because e-every time I go to s-sleep I get to dream a-about him and I-I get to see him a-and I get to remember him as MY Connor and n-not as some cold b-body in a casket!"

Jared sighed. He couldn't do anything except stay by his friends side. "Are you going to the funeral?" He hesitated to ask.

Evan shook his head frantically, not because he didn't want to go to the funeral but because he honestly didn't know the answer. He didn't know if he could take it, watching Connor's family cry over a coffin, a few people from school who would make an appearance and make it all about them.

The truth was, nobody knew Connor like Evan did. They never saw the side that Evan got the honour of seeing, and it really was an honour.

When Connor had called him, to break up with him, he had said he didn't want Evan to remember their relationship for the way it ended and for the way they constantly fought with each other. He wanted Evan to remember their relationship for the fairytale it felt like but the blonde feared more than anything that if he went to the funeral and saw his boyfriend's cold body in a cold casket then all those amazing memories would disappear and all he would be able to remember of Connor Murphy was seeing his lifeless body for the last time.

Evan couldn't help himself but think that when Connor had called him up that day, he had already made up his mind. He had known he was going to die and that was why he didn't want Evan to remember him as this monster who broke his heart.

Connor Murphy knew he was a monster but he hadn't wanted to die knowing Evan Hansen would remember him as one.

Evan closed his eyes, blocking out Jared's voice, he let his mind wander back to the day he found out. Two days since they had broken up, in those two days he thought he was experiencing heartbreak but it never even came close to what he was feeling now.

***

Connor Murphy died last night.

Zoe found him.

Well... more like he found her.

She had called Evan at 3am that morning, sobs clogging up her shaking voice. She'd explained that Connor had been cutting again, and the doctors presumed he had cut too deep into his veins and he bled out.

She then went on to cry about how she would never, ever forget it. According to Zoe, Connor had been banging on her bedroom door screaming for what seemed like forever before she'd found her brother's lifeless body slumped against the wall.

He'd screamed, yelled, cussed, pounding his fists into the wooden door that was decorated with doodles and height measurements from when they were kids.

"Help, make it stop!"

He's just high.

"I take it back!"

You can't take this back, Connor.

She'd ignored him. Willed him to go away. To leave her alone. She'd tucked her knees right up to her chest and leant against her bed, silently wishing the tears away.

She thought Connor had been talking about their fight.

She thought Connor was threatening to try to kill her. Again.

But no, Connor only wanted to kill himself.

Now she knew, that it wasn't that Connor wanted to kill Zoe. Connor wanted Zoe to help him escape the death that he had unknowingly caused, that he was unprepared for.

It wasn't until the cries ceased and she heard a heavy weight drop to the ground when Zoe rushed out of her room, thinking her brother had passed out or something similar.

It wasn't until she shook his lifeless body that she realised her brother wasn't going to wake up.

It wasn't until she screamed for Cynthia and Larry that she noticed the still dripping fresh cuts on his wrists.

It wasn't until she witnessed her dad, their dad, giving her older brother CPR that she knew they weren't going to be a happy family by the end of this.

It wasn't until she heard Cynthia wail, a sound she had never heard their mother make before and a sound that she wanted to forget but knew it would haunt her for the rest of her life and Larry, struggling to keep up with the effort of chest compressions, shouting "C'mon, son, wake up, wake up son." That she heard the ambulance sirens outside.

And it wasn't until the doctor had come out of Connor's hospital room with a devastated look on his face, shaking his head, and the broken family were allowed in the room to say goodbye to the body that had been covered up with one of those crisp, white sheets that Zoe Murphy realised her brother was dead.

For some reason, Zoe had grabbed Connor's phone before they all piled into the ambulance. An oxygen mask already placed on the long haired boys mouth and nose, she thought he might need it, might want it.

To text Evan.

You know, when Connor woke up.

The text alert had gone off in the ambulance but she'd only just checked it in the waiting room, Larry nowhere to be seen and Cynthia pacing anxiously waiting for news on her baby boy.

It was a message from Evan.

"Are you safe??"

***

When Evan had found out, it was because Zoe had called him up, sobbing, and it reminded him painfully of when she had called him about Connor's overdose.

He didn't cry, he didn't scream and yell and make a wreck of his room like he ought to. Because how else was he supposed to react? But he was already so hurt, so broken, so fucking numb that it didn't even register.

Connor Murphy had cut himself out of Evan's life when they had broken up, did it really make a difference when one of them was dead?

Although, Evan had to admit, the world felt different now. He felt... lonely, was probably the best way to describe it.

He just wished he could have been there, wished he'd tried harder to get in contact with Connor. Maybe if he had he could have stopped it and Connor would still be here, still be alive, still be next to Evan and loving him.

Really, Evan thought as he dissolved into sobs once again and Jared not knowing how to console him, going to the Orchard was a bad idea.

_____________

I might *might* have to go back and edit this chapter later because I hate the way this turned out.

Ever since I started this fic I always knew I wanted Connor to die so I've been working on this chapter for MONTHS and this is honestly the best I can do but I might go back later and tweak it a bit.

My rule was "Don't publish it until you cry" but I didn't take into account the fact that I am an emotionless robot who can't cry at anything... so.

Please leave a review!

Iris
Xoxo

P.S This isn't the end of the fic, there's going to be one or two bonus chapters.