FireFly

Chapter Fifteen

TRIGGER WARNING LOOK FOR THE ***

Connor had left and Evan hadn't heard from him.

Evan gave his boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, it had only been a couple of hours since Connor had stormed out of the house and he was probably taking the time to cool off before reaching out to Evan and apologising. For everything. Like he always does and how he always should. 

But god, god, was it painful? The blonde hadn't moved from his place in his bed, he sat there sobbing for ages.

In reality, Evan knew that this was not a normal teenage high school romance. It was not just Connor and Evan and it could never be just Connor and Evan. It was Connor and Evan and depression and anxiety and anger issues and trust issues and whatever you want to call it, it was them and it was a mess.

It was a whirlwind mess that took over every ounce of the two boy's being. You know that feeling when you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing, and it's scary as hell and you know it's wrong, but that just makes you want to do it even more? It was that sense of adrenaline and love that was like a drug and god were they both drunk off of it.

Evan didn't know where Connor was. He didn't know where he was going, either. He could be on his way over to Evan's right now to apologise, he could be in his car driving as far away from Evan as possible, and then one thought that sent the anxious boy hyperventilating... he could be dead.

Of course that was ridiculous. Would the thing that sent Connor over the edge really be a little fight between them? When they have these little fights all the time? It was too much. It was all getting too much. His skin was tight, he couldn't get enough oxygen into his lungs and fucking hell he couldn't just sit here sobbing like a toddler when his boyfriend could be dead somewhere, right now!

With shaking hands, Evan grabbed his phone off his bedside table and began scrolling through his contacts before landing on Connor's name.

Evan H :): Hey it's me. I'm so so so so so sorry about everything, Con. I don't want us to fight, can you please come over and we can talk about this? I love you xxx

Five minutes. No reply. Ten minutes. No reply. Eventually ten rolled into twenty and twenty led to a full thirty minutes with no signal that Connor had even read the message.

Evan H :): Connor are you there?

Evan H :): You're scaring me...

Evan H :): Where are you???!!

Evan H :): Are you safe??

Nothing nothing nothing. He could go out and look for Connor himself but where would he even start? Where would Connor go? Why would Connor go? If you love someone you don't just up and leave them, and they had said 'I love you', right?

He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. Evan was choking, suffocating, gasping for air and soon enough he was having a full blown panic attack.

You'd think for someone who had these as often as Evan did, he'd know how to cope with them on his own. But he doesn't. He's hopeless when he's on his own, he's lost. Nothing, even.

His mind was numb. All he could think about was Connor. He wanted to be free, to stop all of this. To leave everything behind. To start again.

And he didn't know what he was doing. What he was about to do. Honestly, it frightened him. The feeling of not being in control. But Evan hadn't been in control for a while now, and he had grown used to it.

So he wasn't surprised when he slowly got out of bed and got downstairs.

Nor was he surprised when he left the house entirely and took Heidi's car.

He had his provisional license so he could technically drive. What was the worst that could happen?

Evan was a little bit surprised when he pulled up at the Orchard. His job. The place where Connor and Evan had first met, where it all started. Amongst all of his panic and tears, Evan's body had taken him to the place where he was always happy.

Where he could always be happy. No matter what.

Where he didn't have to worry about his anxiety, school, the stress of being alive, his mum spending all her hard earned money on his meds, Jared, Connor.

It was a constant worry of Connor being dead or alive, if Connor was safe, stable, if he was happy, if he was on edge, if he was angry, upset, sad, mad at Evan for some reason.

But he wanted it all. He wanted to worry about Connor. Because Evan fucking loves him. Because they were in love with each other and they were going to do whatever they could to keep themselves okay and together.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

There was this tree in the park. A big, beautiful Ash Tree and before Evan had met Connor he always thought... it would be the perfect-

No.

He couldn't... how could he... Connor would...

Connor didn't care. Apparently. If he did, then why wouldn't he text Evan back? Why would he leave in the first place? Why would he make Evan, someone he supposedly 'loves', feel so goddamn shitty that he would actually even contemplate that?

But fuck it, right? He couldn't keep doing this, he couldn't keep having these arguments with his boyfriend, he couldn't keep disappointing everyone around him.

And so, with all these thoughts swirling around in his mind, Evan Hansen didn't just fall out of that tree.

He let go.

***END OF TRIGGER WARNING***

_________________

Trust me with this, guys.

Iris
Xoxo