FireFly

Chapter Twenty Eight

"I really a-am in love with you," Evan repeated for the third time, Connor sighed and pressed the phone closer to his ear, "I don't c-care that you came t-to me after your therapy s-session, I'm glad you did. I w-want to be there for you because I-I love you."

"I know." Connor replied, exasperatedly. He had taken a quick nap after what happened with Zoe earlier and now he felt he had his head screwed on properly, he knew what he needed to do.

Because he was sick of hurting people he cared about.

"I love you, too." He carried on, and added it in a quieter voice, "And that's why this is so hard."

The line went silent whilst Connor held his breath and for the first time in their relationship, he was glad he couldn't see Evan's face.

"W-What do y-you mean?" Evan stuttered out, quickly.

Connor bit his lip and shut his eyes. As if closing them would somehow make all of this right. But there was nothing right about this and there hadn't been for a long time. If only they had realised it earlier because who were they kidding? Sure, summer was fun and all but in the real world with people besides only their family to worry about? They were never meant to last. Connor was surprised they lasted as long as they did.

"Nothing, Hansen." He whispered, hoping the blonde heard him so he wouldn't have to repeat it. Hoping that Evan took the excuse and just forgot he ever said anything because he wanted to take it back, "Don't worry about it."

"Don't w-worry about i-it?" Evan repeated, incredulously. "Connor, a-are you okay? A-Are you safe?"

"Yes." Connor said immediately, it was hard because in so many ways he was but in so many others he wasn't, "No." He sighed and rubbed his forehead, "I don't know."

"Con-"

"Look," he interrupted, already hating himself because he just hear the way Evan's breathing picked up and this wasn't how you were supposed to treat someone you love but it had to be done. He had to protect Evan from himself. Everyone was right, either Connor was going to break and take Evan along with him or they were going to go their separate ways before Connor broke and Evan would be fine.

Either way, Connor broke.

"The first day of school is coming up," he began, choosing his words very carefully, "and when you look back on this summer, I don't want you to think of me as this-this monster who broke your heart," Connor paused to take a deep breath to ground himself, "and for all the times you gave it back to me after I crushed it. I wasn't looking for a best friend or a boyfriend and I never expected to find both in you, Ev." The line was eerily quiet and he didn't know whether that was good or bad or absolutely terrible, "But I want you to know our relationship meant so much more to me than the toxic thing it turned into, on most days you were the only thing that would make me smile and you still are." Connor had to stop because he was sure Evan couldn't understand him through all the tears and emotion that had wound itself round his voice, he chocked and wiped his eyes before forcing himself to continue, "I don't want to remember all the hospital visits, all the arguments, the therapy sessions, the panic attacks. I just want to remember everything good, our trips to A Lá Mode, our first time together and all the ones after, movie days and sleepovers and most importantly, I want to remember the person you made me feel like becoming." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily because how the fuck had he just been able to do that? To Evan Hansen, probably the only thing in his life that actually meant something and he'd just crushed it. It probably showed how much of a bad person he truly was.

"Evan?" He said, tentatively.

He heard the anxious boy draw in a ragged breath and Connor held his own until Evan responded.

"W-Why-" he began but it was so quiet that Connor could scarcely hear it, Evan cleared his throat and sniffed, "Why do y-you think o-of yourself as a-a monster, C-Connor? Why can y-you never see y-yourself the w-way I s-see you?"

Because I am, he wanted to reply. God only knows what Evan saw at him when he looked because every time Connor looked at himself? All he could see was someone who simply wasn't worth it, he looked like he'd given up on his appearance and if you looked into his eyes deeply enough you, too, would see how he had given up on life. A depressed, suicidal, ugly, broken person who somehow got lucky enough to be loved by the best person in the whole entire world.

"It has nothing to do with you." He said, instead. Tears still making their way down his face but it didn't matter, because if anything he wanted Evan to know how much he regretted doing this.

"N-No." Evan snapped, watery. "Because it n-never has, has it?"

Connor sighed. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what Evan wanted him to say. Did he want to apologise? Fuck, yes. Did he wish he could take it back? More than anything. But besides all of that, it needed to be done. Before anything happened to Evan because the poor boy had had enough happen to him already.

"W-What is this?" He eventually asked, "Are you b-breaking up with m-me?"

"You decide."

And with that, Connor hung up. It was cruel and it was selfish to make Evan decide, but weren't those the two most defining traits of Connor Murphy?

Besides, he couldn't physically bring himself to say the words. The thought of actually saying to Evan 'I'm breaking up with you' made him want to be physically sick. Instead, he was left with this whole new feeling.

Connor often pondered, what does heartbreak feel like? Well now, he felt as if he knew.  It feels like a heavy weight sitting on your chest that you can't escape, it's that feeling of your heart squeezing tightly every time someone mentions their name, and you want to cry and scream at the world for the unfairness of it all but you know that nobody will be listening.
That's heartbreak.

Perhaps Evan Hansen would call him or ask to see him later to sort through whatever problems they had and Connor wished with all that was left of his heart that would be what would happen.

Or perhaps Evan Hansen was so hurt and so angry with Connor that that was their last ever conversation and he would never see the blonde boy again.

Either way, Connor broke.