FireFly

Chapter Seven

Evan and Connor were sprawled out on Evan's sofa, Connor's long legs hanging off the edge of the armrest and Evan huddled up on his chest. Since Heidi was at work, the boys didn't have to worry about her coming home and finding them in an awkward position.

"I-Is something on y-your mind?" Evan asked, stuttering nervously.

"No," Connor frowned, running his fingers through his boyfriends blonde locks, "What makes you think that?"

"You keep sighing."

"A content sigh."

"Connor." Evan prodded, sternly. He sat up and turned around to face the long haired boy.

The Murphy boy pouted at the loss of warmth on his chest, he took in the blonde's worried gaze and sat up himself, "Fine, there is something."

He didn't say anything, holding his stare with Connor he nodded slightly for his boyfriend to continue.

"Cynthia and Larry want me to go back to therapy."

Evan nodded and cleared his throat, "Do they- Do you- Are you-"

"I need it." Connor sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly, "But I don't want it."

"W-Why?"

Connor smiled sadly. Evan didn't understand, he couldn't understand. Nobody could. It was as if... Connor had all of the words in the world at his disposal to describe the way he was feeling, and he just couldn't use them. It was like flying but someone was grabbing your leg, it was like breathing under water, it was like someone was holding a gag against your mouth even though you were screaming.

It was Connor.

"You wouldn't understand," He said, shaking his head. "Therapy is... just not something that works for me."

Evan shrugged, "I-I don't know," he said nonchalantly, picking at a loose thread from the sofa, "Going to therapy isn't the w-worst thing in the world. It might... actually help y-you."

Connor frowned,"What does that mean?" He asked, roughly.

The blonde's head snapped up, startled. His eyes were wide, he looked scared and Connor willed more than anything to push down the monster inside him that he knew was just beginning to heat up. He wanted to tell it to fuck off and to hold Evan safely in his arms. He wanted to protect Evan from himself.

But he wasn't strong enough.

"You're saying I need help?" He snapped, gripping the armrest so hard his knuckles were turning white, "That I need to be fixed?"

"Connor, no, I'm not-"

He laughed, shaking his head at himself. At his own foolishness. Of course, Evan would think he needed to be fixed. They all did. They were all the same. Couldn't they see that he was fine? That he didn't need all these doctors and pills and wellness camps and therapists.

"God," he grinned, rolling his eyes, "I knew this was a bad idea. People like you and me don't mix."

Evan, who had been looking down and choking back tears, looked up. He opened his mouth slightly in a stolen gasp that hadn't had the strength to make a sound, eyes wounded and expression hurt.

Connor immediately started hating himself more than he already did.

"Wait," Evan whispered, furrowing his eyebrows, "What?"

Connor bit his lip and shook his head, "No- I... I didn't mean that."

"You clearly did." He replied, stutter disappearing with the anger and hurt, "Why did you ask me out if you thought it was a bad idea? That I'm a bad idea?" He added, quieter than the rest of his words, he wrapped his arms round his small frame in an attempt to hide himself. From what? He didn't know.

"Ev," Connor said, desperately, tears welling up in his blue/brown eyes, "Please-"

"'People like you,'" Evan quoted from Connor's own words. The way he spat them with such sharp loathing made the long haired boy's heart squeeze.

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!"

Evan stopped his self destructing trail of thought and looked to his boyfriend, who was breathing heavily, eyes wide and brows drawn in an upset manner.

Perhaps he didn't mean it, perhaps he couldn't control the shit he was saying. Evan knew it wasn't his Connor when Connor got like this. But that didn't mean it didn't fucking hurt.

"Then why did you say it?" Evan asked in a whisper. Tears thick and blurry, obscuring his vision cascaded down his pale face and he could taste the salt in them when they fell down to his lips, he didn't even bother wiping his eyes though. There was no point when there was so many more to come.

"Because I-" Connor cut himself off and put his head in his hands, breathing deeply, "I don't know. I just need a minute."

Evan looked at him, he looked so defeated and tired. He wished more than anything that he could protect his boyfriend. That they could protect each other. But it's hard to fight with demon when you're left with no weapons.

Connor wasn't crying. He was about to, sure, but he wasn't. He had his eyes screwed shut and mouth struggling to take a deep enough breath that would ground himself enough. He was a mess, he... Evan didn't deserve someone like him. Evan deserved better.

Everyone did.

"Are you o-okay?" Evan asked, timidly.

He lifted his head, biting his lip painfully hard when he saw the tear tracks on the blonde's face, "I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know you are," Evan replied, quietly and slowly moving closer to the Murphy boy, "It's okay."

"I really didn't mean it." Connor choked, holding the anxious boy close to his chest, to his heart, "You deserve better. I can be better, I'll change, I promise."

"It's okay." Evan repeated, "You don't have to change for me, I like you how you are."

"I really like you, Hansen."

"I know. I like you too."

"So... we're good?" The long haired boy asked, holding his breath as if he were afraid of the answer.

"We were never anything other than that." Evan smiled, leaning in for a kiss.

Connor kissed back, it felt just as good as the first time. Just as right. This... This is why he wanted to change, to get better. For Evan Hansen.

"If you... really think it will make a difference." He began after the kiss, playing with that soft, blonde hair, "I'll try going to therapy again. For you."

"I don't w-want you to do it for m-me."

"I know, but I'm going to anyway."

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

What do you think of Connor and Evan's relationship so far????

Iris
Xoxo