FireFly

Chapter Twenty Nine

Evan froze.

He heard the line go dead but it didn't seem to register in his brain, he still held the phone up to his ear as he shouted Connor's name over and over again hoping that his boyfriend would answer him with a cheeky grin in his voice like he always did.

But he didn't, and Evan felt his heart drop to his stomach when he realised he couldn't call Connor his boyfriend anymore.

With shaking hands, Evan quickly send a string of texts to Connor.

Evan H :): Connor, whays goinng on?11?1

Evan H :): Whatevrb you're thinkbng we can worn this out

Evan H :): Please??

Evan H :): Are you safe?

Connor didn't answer, of course he didn't. Why would he? They were broken up now. Their code didn't work anymore.

He was dying. It felt as if he was dying. Because surely, there could never be anything as painful as this. He was suffocating, drowning, paralysed because he wanted to get up from his bed and run over to Connor's house and kiss the boy who had been the greatest thing to ever happen to him and they could sort it out and then everything would be okay.

But he couldn't. He stayed right where he was and where he would always be. Sitting alone, in his bedroom, starring at nothing, on the verge of a panic attack and there was nobody there. The only person that had ever been there was Connor and now that was ripped from him, as well.

Suddenly Evan understood Connor more than ever before. He now understood why the boy with the long curly hair and blue/brown eyes was so angry at the world, because if the world could be this cruel and this painful and this quick to ignore someone who obviously needed help then Evan didn't want to live in it either.

He screamed into his pillow, allowing the mass of cries to consume him. Reaching blindly for his phone, that he had once reached for to text and video chat Connor Murphy with confessions of love, he gathered all the strength he could possibly muster when he felt so weak and threw it at the wall. The phone breaking as soon as it hit the surface, the broken and damaged pieces falling to the ground and to be forgotten about. Much like Evan himself.

Shortly after that, the screams turned to sobs and the sobs turned into Evan gasping for breath.

His bedroom door swung open and Heidi, who had heard the crashing sound and came running, was by her son's side in an instant.

"What's going on?" She asked, gently wrapping an arm round Evan's small frame but it only made him sob harder because that was what Connor had done whenever Evan was having an anxiety attack, "Evan," Heidi said, sternly "Evan, listen to me. You need to breathe, okay? In and out. Come on, do it with me. You're okay, just like that. Tell me what's wrong."

He couldn't do it. How could he breathe when there was a huge weight of grief sitting on his chest? He couldn't, he couldn't, and he also found that he didn't want to. He didn't want to calm down and feel better because if he felt better then he would just forget.

And that would be the last thing to ever happen, Evan Hansen would go to his grave having never forgotten Connor Murphy.

The boy he had found sobbing on the ground at the Orchard.

The boy that scared him, thrilled him and made him feel safer than he ever had all at the same time.

The boy who had taken him out for ice cream and kissed him for the first time to get him to shut up.

The boy who loved harder and stronger than anyone Evan had ever met. He was beautiful and gorgeous and talented and smart and he had tried to get better for Evan.

They were soulmates.

Unfortunately, the universe had this grip on Connor. Something that held him back from becoming the person Evan knew he was on the inside. Amongst all of the positive and amazing things about Connor he was also angry and unpredictable and reckless, at times.

And this was just another one of those times, when the voice in Connor's head got loud and Connor ended up listening to it. When it had convinced Connor that he was a monster and he didn't deserve to live.

Although there was something about this time that just felt so final.

"W-We, h-he-" Evan broke off with a sob and held his fingers up to his mouth. Perhaps he could remember, if he tried hard enough, the feeling of Connor's lips on his. He wished he could have savoured it more because he hadn't known it would be the last time they'd ever kiss. The last time they'd ever feel that spark.

"What's that, honey?" Heidi asked him, softly.

He didn't even want to say it. If he said it then it became true. Fuck it. "H-He broke up w-with m-me." Saying it out loud took so much effort, and the silence that resounded would forever be engrained in Evan's mind. Following him, haunting him.

"Oh Evan," Heidi sighed, squeezing his arm tightly, "I'm so sorry."

But it didn't matter. Her sympathy didn't fix anything. It didn't make them not broken up and it didn't fix Connor and it didn't relieve any of the pain Evan was in. He wanted more than anything for his mum to hug him close and tell him everything was going to be okay and that she would fix everything for him, like she did when he was younger.

Maybe this is what Connor felt like when he said he was being selfish. Because Evan knew it was selfish to want his mum to hug him and love him when he wasn't the one with the broken family and the mental illness.

It was funny, really. Connor would always tell Evan how sick he was and how there was something wrong with him, but even in his darkest days Evan never, ever thought of Connor as having an 'illness'. There were better words for it and none of it made an ounce bit of difference, Connor may think of himself as broken and ill but Evan would still love him just the same.

Maybe if he told him that more, if he'd tried harder to get Connor's attention, then things might not have ended up how they did.