Dear Levi

Chapter 4

Dear Levi,

The doctors told me that I will be able to see you in a week. I am so excited. Today Tyler brought your schoolphoto's with him. You look so confident. I wish I had been that confident on your age, but I wasn't. I was this weird, small kid which liked singing and acting over basketball or soccer. But it didn't hold me back, in fact, it made me even more motivated to make it in this world. You know, when life holds you back, only deep within your soul you can find the will to go on, the will to accomplish things you thought you were never able to do. At least, that's what I had always thought. But now, look at me, I am preparing myself to die, I can't pull through, I can't fight this illness anymore, I really want, but I simply can't. I tried to fight it for so long now, I fought it, not only with medicine, but with my beliefs that I was going to get better, and with my will that I had to survive. Dying doesn't only mean that your heart stops beating, that your blood stops flowing. It means so much more. Dying is leaving a blank spot in the world, a blank spot where you should have been, but where you will never be. Not only a blank spot in the world, but a blank spot in life itself, in the life of you, the life of your dad, in the life of everybody surrounding you.

Today I looked to the camera for exactly 74 minutes. Now time is all I got, I worship it. Every minute is one minute less in my life. I thought about making a video. The thought wouldn't go away anymore. Just think about it, your dad said to me, when he kissed my forehead. Think about it. For now, all I can do is write. Your dad and I talked about telling you I was going to die, but we have no idea how. The social worker wanted to help, but we kindly sent her away, you are our child, we know the best what you need, and what you need to hear. How do you tell a 6 year old boy that his dad was going to die? There's no fit answer for that. Your picture is standing next to my bed, and everytime I turn around I look into your eyes, and all I think about is how you didn't earn this, you haven't done a single thing wrong, and now your dad is going away. Please remember that I am not leaving, I am not going anywhere far. When you are happy I'll be there, when you're sad, I'll be there too. When you graduate highschool, I'll be there and when you'll marry, I'll be there. Just close your eyes and you know that I am there, right next to you. 

Your dad and I used to live far away from eachother. I lived in Austalia and your dad lived in LA. A whole ocean seperated us. The distance was both our best friend and our worst enemy. Because we were seeing eachother not as often (of course as many as was possible, but that wasn't a lot) we grow so close. We could litterally tell eachother everything. Our deepest fears and our highest dreams. We didn't hold back. But with this also came a lot of distrust. We had this constant fear that one of us wasn't loyal. That one of us couldn't bare the exhaustion of a long distance relationship and cheat. One day I called Tyler on skype and he opened his webcam. I could see a man laying in his bed, on my side. Levi, I had never been so angry in my life before. All I saw was angry red, and that unfamiliar guy on my side of the bed. I closed the conversation and threw my laptop against the wall. Take note, that I would never, ever hurt my laptop, but I was so irrationally angry. Steele heard the laptop smash against the wall and rushed in. He saw my tears and just knew it happened. The thing I was afraid for during our enire relationship. Steele did what a good brother would do, he said nothing and just held me, the whole night. He didn't mind I was sobbing in his arms, he didn't mind that I didn't want to tell the story. He just held me.

Your dad tried to call me, but I would never pick up. I was angry, I was devastated, ruined. After a week he stopped calling and after just two weeks he stopped trying to contact me at all. I wasn't angry anymore, I was just wrecked. I missed him so much, but I was too afraid that when I would call him, I just would hear that he didn't love me anymore. That he moved on.

And then the day came that my parents and my siblings left the house to celebrate new years eve with my grandparents. And I didn't want to go, I had obligations I said, but what I meant was that I still felt horrible. Without my boyfriend sitting next to me. I was a wreck, drowning in sadness and self-pity.

The doorbell rang and on the doorstep stood a men, asking me I was Troye Sivan Mellet. I nodded and he handed me an envelop. In the envelop there was a map, the park was circled in red. There also was a small card. "Remember tonight, fore it's the beginning of always. Please come babe.". I knew it was Tyler, I put on some shoes and walked outside. The same man as before stood below a tree and nodded. I greeted him back, wordless. Impatiently waiting until I got to see Tyler. The man told me to follow him, and I did, I didn't doubt for a second. The man brought me to a small rock, still bathing in the orange colored shining of the setting sun. I sat down on it and the man left. It didn't take long before I heard someone moving behind me. But I didn't look. I felt him sitting next to me, our legs barely touching, but just touching enough to enlighten the sparks. 

'Hi.' He whispered

'Hi.' I whispered back.

This time I looked to him the first time since that skype call and to be honest, he looked like he had a worse time that I did. 

'How have you been?'

'I've been better, how are you.'

He chuckled and sighed.

'I'm not fine at all.'

I nodded and noticed a small box in his hands, he was playing nervously with it. 

'Troye, you do know that man in the background was Dolan? He was staying over and I let him sleep in my bed because... You can't just let your guest sleep on the damn couch, can you? When you called, I was still in the kitchen, he shouted to me that someone was calling and I rushed over to anwer it.'

I didn't need more, I was already convinced when he said that he wasn't fine at all. I shoved a little bit closer to him, apreciating the fire in my body. The love between us was so strong, still is. I never wanted to be angry, it just happened. I never stopped loving him, not even when I ate alone in my room during Chanuka, avoiding social interaction.

'What if this happens again? I can't go through this again, I just want you in my arms everyday. I want us to be perfect, I don't want to feel the pain when you are not around me.'

A small tear crept away down my cheek and he pulled me in his arms and kissed my hair.

'We are the perfect couple Troye, we are just not in the perfect situation.'

Look Levi, some things are simple worth fighting for. If I learned anything from that time is that nothing in this world worth having comes easy. If you have to fight for it, and you are willing to fight hard for it, don't give up, it's good, believe that in the end, it was worth fighting for.

Yours Truly,

Troye Sivan Mellet, your loving dad