Dear Levi

Chapter 6

Dear Levi,

Today I hold you in my very own arms. Today I left the hospital and finally came home, where you and your dad were waiting on me. You didn't know I was coming, we thought it would be a nice suprise for you, just in time for christmas. I was so nervous, I just didn't know how you would react. You haven't seen me in a long time, you could just shy out and be quiet. You might not even recognise me. But you didn't. I rang the bell on our door and Tyler let you open the door. I heard you laugh inside, you always feel honored when you get to open the door. And there I saw you. You didn't saw me, you were too little to look through the window, but I could see you. I could see you reaching on you tippy toes for the door. I saw you open the door. Your eyes began to shine, the kind of shining I almost forgot the could. You looked behind you, where Tyler was standing and smiled at him.

'Daddy is home!!'

You yelled while you jumped in my arms and placed wet kisses around my face.

'I missed you so, so, so much.'

You whispered in my ear and that day you never left my side, constantly seeking my touch, and those shining eyes never stopped looking towards me. Oh Levi, if you only knew how much I loved you that day, if you only knew that I never stopped loving you that much since that day. My heart bursted open with love. And know your lovely little body is sleeping on my chest and I couldn't be happier. The two men I love the most in life, laying in my arms. Tyler fell asleep just after you, he is softly snoring in my ear.

These moments I want you to remember forever. Not only the sad one, but the happy ones too. Sad always weights heavier, I know, but if you make enough happy memories, they will outweight the negative ones. From now on, we will only make happy memories, together, us against the world.

Let me tell you a happy memory. Let me tell you about the time we met you. Since that night under the stars on that rock in that park your dad and I lived together. First we rented an appartment in Perth, but when I finished my album and didn't have any obligations there anymore we decided to move to LA, to rent a penthouse downtown. We lived there for a while, and I noticed Tyler getting more silent everyday. I knew something was driving him crazy, but somehow he didn't want to tell me what it was.

And then, one day, the bubble of pretended happiness busted. I found Tyler one morning crying on the kitchenfloor. At first, I thought he had fallen or something stupid like that, but then I saw that he was holding a stupid dead plant.

'Tilly, what's wrong?'

'I can't even keep this plant alive, Troye, I would suck as a father, I thought to myself, when I could keep this plant alive for a month, I could keep alive a child. That we could actually talk about being parents. And know that stupid plant is dead.'

I knew Tyler wanted childeren, I've always know. But I didn't know how much he wanted a kid. So when I saw him laying on the ground I couldn't say no to him. Because 1. I could never say no to Tyler, and 2. I've always wanted a kiddo too.

'Tilly, you will be the best father that earth has ever know, so if you really want a child, and we know for sure we are ready for it, we get a kid.'

And that's the moment we really started talking about getting a child. Tyler really wanted a child of his own. Ofcourse we talked about adopting, but it didn't feel right. Every time we went to a person to talk about adoption Tyler said that he was scared it wouldn't feel like his own child. For me that wouldn't be a problem, I just knew that I was going to love him or her, no matter where he/she came from or how old she/he was. But Tyler was stubborn as always, and I caught him searching for alternatives every night. I said to him to just let the tought of having a child at all go for a while. But he wouldn't listen.

And then one night he entered our bedroom on a relatively normal bedtime, with this huge grin on his face.

'I found something, or rather someone, who could help us.'

He then told me about surrogate mothers. Some woman in this world are so generous that they are more than happy to carry a baby for couples who, for what kind of reason, can't have a baby of their own. And it sounded perfect, we talked about it for the entire night and the days after that too. We talked about it with professionals, with our family, with our closest friends. And they were all so positive about it, they thought it was perfect for us. And we were thinking the same thing. So in the summer of 2018 we decided to do it. We went to a company that arranged these things and after a couple of meetings we were accepted and in the wheel to get a surrogate mother.

So on August 1 you were begot, very clinical, that has to be told. We had a really good relationship with your mother, she even stayed with us the last couple of months. See the rules of this concept were simple. The mother carries the baby till it's born, and until then there is a strictly no contact rule between the surrogate mother and the, well, 'new parents', as they would call us. But of course we didn't really care about the rules and your mother also didn't care. There was also a strict no contact rule for you. You was not aloud to met your biological mother until you were a legal adult, so until you were 21. Of course we forgot that rule and thus, as I hope, you will still hold contact with your biological mom.

In the next letter, I will talk about your birth, which was obviously the best moment of my life, nothing compared to the feeling of love I felt that moment I hold you for the first time. That moment when you opened your eyes for the first times and your dad and I saw how much you looked like Tyler. They say that when a baby is born an angel dies, but that day an angel didn't die, one was born.

I loved you since that die I looked into your blue eyes, not only because you were a child, but you were our child, our little piece of heaven, who we love so dearly.

Yours truly,

Troye Sivan Mellet, your loving dad