Dear Levi

Chapter 14

Dear dad,

I love you, and I miss...

...

Dear Tro- Dad

You know how hard it has been when you left, Dad went full ballsack, I hope you're rotting in hell.

...

Dear dad,

I am sorry, I truly am. Forgive me.

...

Dear dad,

I don't know how to start this letter. As you can see, I tried it, everytime I saw that small box laying on my desk I tried, and everytime I failed. It's hard to write your feelings down, because those feelings are hard to catch, and I feel so many things. I feel sad, lonely and sometimes angry, and the terrible thing is, I don't know why, hell, I don't even know what I am feeling. To be honest, I didn't read all the letters you wrote me until now. Sure, I've read the first ones, but I stopped as soon as the story was about me. And now my soon to be wife is sitting next to me, and my twin babies are sleeping in the room next to me. And I am sitting here with letters in my hand, letters written by the person I missed most of my life. But let me start at the beginning of the end, as you have called it more than 20 years ago.

After you died, dad wasn't the same anymore. He barely ate, he barely slept, and he never laughed anymore. He tried to be strong for me, he really did. We burried you, and dad hold my hand the entire time, making sure I was comforted when I cried and that I didn't feel lost. But after that he was like a snowball rolling down a slope. I thought it was me, I thought it was because I didn't got the best grades in school, and so I tried harder at school. I thought it was because I wasn't nice enough, and I tried harder to be nice. It just didn't help. I was only nine back then, and I tried everything to cheer up Tyler. Nothing fucking worked. One day I was about to leave school and go to home, but grandma Jacky was waiting for me.

(A/N Levi is around 12 here)

"Hey Levi, c'mon you're going to stay with us for a while."

I was really suprised but behind me I heard the giggly voices of the girls from my class, so I figured it would be the best to leave the school as soon as possible, not wanting to show them my grandmother. I followed her to the car and on the long ride across the state she told me what was going on.

"Your dad is sick Levi, not in his body, but in his mind."

"You mean depression right?"

Jacky turned to me not expecting I would know that term, but c'mon I am an extreme tumblr addict, what else could you expect from me.

"Yeah, he is getting treated for it."

I spent two months in Michigan and then I missed California and said goodbye to Jacky. I went home but when I opened the door everything was gone, the sofa, my bed, my drawings, the pictures of you, of us on the wall. That was it, I sat down on the floor of the empty house and I cried. I cried about everything, your death, Tyler's depression, about everything I did in my life. I cried until I fell asleep.

"Levi?"

A man was softly shaking me, trying to wake me up. I opened my eyes and immediately recognised Korey.

"Korey!"

I launched myself in his arms and he hold me like no one did in a long, long time. I stayed with him and his husband until Tyler was better, and it felt like I had my dad back.

Until Tyler had a fall back. He fell back in his behaviour of not eating and sleeping and staying up all night watching old youtube video's. I tried to ignore him, focusing on school instead. It was around that time when I brought my first girlfriend home too. I adored her and I thought that maybe bringing something new to this house would brighten the mood, but it didn't. It made it worse. I thought dad hated me, because I was straight.

You have to understand that I was willing to do everything to get my dad back, both of them. I couldn't get you back, but I did have a chance to get my other dad back. So I was 16 and there was this beautiful boy in my biology class. He was a badboy, a boy with long black locks and piercing blue eyes, his name was Jack and over the last two years of high school we became best friends. One day, whe he just turned 18 he took me to a abandoned hotel where we got smashed out drunk. Before I realised I was laying on top of him and kissed him passionately. After that we had some sort of romantic relationship but we had to keep our relationship a secret because his parent were extremely homophobic.

And then one day I got a phonecall from him.

"Levi, help me, please help me..."

I jumped in Tyler's car and drove to his home. I was seeing red as I kicked the door open. Jack layed beaten up on the floor and the foot of his dad just kicked and kicked and kicked. I thought Jack was dead and for the first time since Korey found me in our old house I felt something, but this time it was pure, raging anger. I can't remember what happened then, but I do remember uncle Steele bailing me out and driving me to the hospital. We barely talked but when I went out the car he gave me the box of letters, and then he drove of.

When I came home Tyler was sitting on the couch, his eyes red and Korey, Steele and grandma Jacky were there too.

"Is this an intervention?"

I asked, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"Yes, we all think this is gotten out of hand again. First thing in the morning Tyler is leaving to a mental hospital again, and you're living with Korey again. We are not going to discuss this."

We talked about everything that evening, except one thing. Why I got arrested.

They all left and I was alone again with Tyler. I heard him sigh and saw him straighten his back.

"Levi, were you planning to tell me who the boy was you saved earlier today?"

"It's not important dad."

Tyler hit his fist on the table.

"It fucking is, now tell me."

"Well, I am fucking that guy okay, he is my boyfriend."

I screamed at him, spitting out every word I said. At least this should make him proud.

"I am gay, dad."

I continued, much softer now.

"Oh Levi, my boy, you're not. Since you have been a little boy you liked girls. Why would you say things like that"

"But I love him."

"One can love in many different ways Levi."

I broke down then, hugging one of the throwpillows to my chest. I didn't dare to look at Tyler and so I looked to the photo on the wall, a family portret, the last one we took before you passed away.

"I thought I could make you happy by being the one you wanted me to be."

"Levi, I am so sorry but what you think is not true, I love you because of who you are, this excellent young man I raised. All your life you have been nothing less then a bless Levi. You don't need to change anything about yourself."

"But why were you so hold back when I brought my girlfriend?"

"Because that look you gave her was the same look your dad used to give me, the same look I had every time just thinking about Troye. Everytime you looked at her like that I had to restrain myself from crying because I remembered. I remembered and it hurt"

A/N This chapter is going to be longer then I expected so I'll stop here and finish the rest tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed this chapter :D