Dear Levi

Chapter 5

Dear Levi,

Tomorow we will meet again. Tyler just walked in to bring the news, and he broke down. He literally broke down, he fell on the ground and sobbed in his hands. The worst part, I wasn't there to catch him, I wasn't there to held his hand and to comfort him. I think the realisation hit him then, that soon I am not going to be here anymore. That he will be alone again. Your dad, he used to be so terrified to be alone. He thought that nobody would ever love him enough to love everything of him. He used to say that somebody would love his hair, or his body, or his booty, but there would never be someone that would love the fact that he always had a bloody nose, or didn't clean up his room every week, or that he couldn't even keep a plant alive. I frightened him to be alone. He didn't like to be alone on his laptop, he didn't like living on his own. That's why he started youtube in the first place, to not be alone.

They say that in this 'modern' society you are never alone. Your friends are always there, on your timeline, dash or skype contacts. One click on your laptop and the loneliness disappears. But what they are saying isn't always true. Social media isn't always social. When used wrong, the internet is some kind of shield that can protect you and your opinion. You can always hide behind the internet. A cowards act, spreading hate and then, when shots are fired back, you just log out, shut down your computer and nobody can hurt you anymore. Those internet abusers, they got to him, they got to your father and sometimes it was just to much for him to handle. Then he felt like he was alone and nobody was there to help. On the internet you can never know what somebody really meant, you probably would never know why a person would say something so rude, so disrespectful. Maybe they had a rough day, maybe they didn't. Son, there will be people who will say thing to you that are so painfull, but please remember there is always a person sitting on the other side of the glass. And maybe they are just rude, maybe they want a fight, but just maybe this kid is just a scared and lonely teenager, searching desperate for some attention, to make him feel relevant and like he is something in this world. Don't react, don't fire back. Words always hurt, no matter in which directions they are fired. They hurt you, but you know you can handle the pain, but what if the other can't?

I kinda let the other letter unaswered, you are probably wondering what Tyler was holding in his hand, or what happened after that night on the rocks?

I nuzzled myself in the crook of his neck and sighed deeply and we looked to the stars and I remember him telling me something I would never forget. He finally took the box he hid in the pocket of his jeans and hold it in his hand.

'Do you see the moon, Troye?'

'Yeah it's beautiful tonight.'

'You know, I used to hate the moon because I knew that somewhere you were looking to the same moon, but you were not with me. You were not cuddled into me, like we are now, and everytime I saw the moon lighting up the sky I knew I couldn't bear seeing it without you.'

He sighed deeply and kissed my forehead again.

'I bought you this, I am not proposing, yet, but this is a promise ring. I promise you that I will always be with you, that you will never ever have to watch the moon alone. I will always be there, right next to you.'

He opened the box but I didn't look at it. I only saw those beautiful eyes of Tyler, and his beautiful face. And suddenly I felt the urge to kiss him, and so I did, just because I was untamely happy I could kiss him that very moment.

That night, on new years eve, on that very rock in that park somewhere in Perth, was probably the best night of my life. There was love and peace that night, only me and Tyler. Us against the world.

We were inseparable since then. I moved to Los Angeles and that's was a huge step to take. I had to miss my family, my friends, and my country and go to a country where I almost didn't know anybody. But I was doing it with the love of my life, so it kinda felt good. We bought a nice house, we decorated it, but still it didn't feel like home. I was so home sick Levi, everything reminded me of my home. At breakfast I would cry because we didn't have the breakfast I used to ate in Australia. At lunch I cried because I couldn't eat what I would eat if we were still in Australia. And at dinner, well at dinner I cried because I couldn't eat with the ones I left in Australia.

Tyler saved me, as always.

It must pain him to see me now. He can't help me anymore, just hold my hand until the end I die. He must be scared to, because he has always been. Levi, I know that pain eventually fade away, I am aware that some day your dad will fall in love again. And I want him to, because he deserves somebody to love him. Please understand that too. I know it's hard to accept that your dad will love another man then your father, but he needs it so much. I will always be your father, just like Tyler will always be your father. No man will change that. I am sure Tyler is able to choose a good man that will respect me as well. The love we have is irreplaceble but there is always room for new love. If it makes Tyler happy it will make me happy.

True love doens't come to you, Levi, it's inside you. I learned that, because I discovered it in your dad. His heart holds untamely. never ending true love. For you, for me, and likely for somebody else. And I am okay with that, because I just want him to be happy, I just want you to be happy and that's all a dead man can wish for.

I love you so much, Levi, everytime I hear your name my chest swells from love and my heart beats from pride.

Yours truly,

Troye Sivan Mellet, your loving dad