Dear Levi

Chapter 11 part 2

Dear Levi

To be honest, the days after the wedding were worse, I had tired myself to much. I wasn't able to walk, I wasn't even able to get out my bed. Tyler showed so much patience with me, even carrying me down when I wanted to see you, and carrying me upstairs when I had fallen asleep watching you play outside. I wasn't able to write either because one. your dad never left my side, and two. I just simply couldn't. Everytime I wanted to write something, I already forgot what I wanted to tell you and then I had either a panic attack or a horrible rage, throwing the pen against the wall and the paper in the bin, or when te window was open I threw it outside. Everytime Tyler came rushing to me, holding me until I was comfortable again, rubbing patterns on my back.

'I am sorry Tyler, you shouldn't have to go through this.'

I whispered to him, after my second panic attack that day. I don't know where they come from, but it always happen when I realise I forget something. It's like my brain isn't functioning properly anymore, and it scares the shit out of my. Sometimes it's like I am having Alzheimer, sometimes I wake up and I don't remember where I am, I don't recognise the person laying next to me, or the pictures on the wall. Fortunately the memories come back to me after some time, but it's really scary, it's making me anxious. In the evening I can't sleep, because I am afraid that when I wake up, I won't recognise the ones I love, and in the morning I am too scared to open my eyes, scared to see what I have become.

'Troye, you're the love of my life, I want to spend every awake and sleeping moment of my... of your life next to you, and nothing is going to hold me back. I love you.'

I nodded and made some distance between us, now able to look him into his gorgeous eyes.

'Tyler, there is something I have to tell you, I should have told earlier, but I am scared it's to late now.'

I could see the concern in his face, a tear already beginning to form in the corner of his eye. Your dad might have think I cheated on him, which wasn't true, obviously, or he might think that I wanted him to leave. But that wasn't the case.

'I forget things, sometimes I wake up and I don't recognise you, or like, the person I am today. I wake up thinking I am a 16 year old boy, thinking about getting out to his family and thinking about a movie star career. It makes me so scare Tilly, I think we have to call a doctor, because it gets longer, it's more often, more scary. Tilly, I don't want to leave yet, I really don't, not yet.'

Your dad, he said nothing, he just pulled me against his chest and stroke the hairs out my face, softly humming our wedding song.

'It's going to be fine, Troye, I know you are ready.'

...

That was the last night I slept in my own bed, and also one of the last times I remembered our wedding. It was almost like a dream, or maybe it was a dream. I saw Tyler facing me, saying our weddingvows, I could feel the ring on my fingers.

And I remembered the speech Korey gave, as best man. I remembered how I felt when he said those genuine words, his hands trembling but his eyes shining. I remembered when he handed me the microphone, hugging me and silently wishing me goodluck.

'Tyler, I love you, and this song is for you and Levi, can you please come here.'

Your dad nodded, putting his glass of champagne down on the table and taking you towards the place where I was standing. I took a deep breath and listened how the intro of the music filled the room. I looked behind me, where there were pictures shown of the times we had shared, parts of videos, parts of our history together, first as your dad and I as couple, then us as a family.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side, too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Your dad immediately lurged into my arms, nuzzling his nose in the creek of my neck, pulling you with him.

So, if you're mad, get mad!
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
And hey, what you got to hide
I get angry, too
But I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
Don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

By the time I was here everyone was holding their loved ones, probably whispering sad things to eachother. How tragic it was that someone as young as us had to die. Maybe they even thought we were the perfect couple, star crossed lovers, a beautiful love story. And we were all of that yes, but mostly we were just two kids who had fallen head over heels for eachother.

And when, when the night falls on you baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

...

And now here I am, laying under the white, sterile blankets of a hospital bed. Tyler brought me to the hospital when I woke up and I didn't remember my name. He held me when I broke down when I did realise how bad it was. I can feel myself slipping through my fingers. Some days are bad, some days are good, and I used to be scared for what tomorrow will bring. Until your dad said to me:

'It isn't important if tomorrow is a good one or a bad one. What matters it that you know that tomorrow I will be right here next to you, holding your hand. You know that when you wake up, I will be the first you will see, and I will be the last thing you will see when you go to sleep too, because that is the only thing that matters.'

Yours truly

Troye Sivan Mellet, your loving father