Dear Levi

Chapter 7

Dear Levi,

The first day I held you in my arms I couldn't stop crying. I was still very home sick, but that moment, I felt like I finally came home. Tyler and I were so proud to finally be dads, and I just remember Jacky holding you for the first time, tears streaming down her face. Tyler stood behind her, his hand on her shoulders. 

'He is beautiful, isn't he?'

She nodded slightly and placed a kiss on your forehead, and gave you back to me. She then turned around and stared in Tylers eyes for a long time, without saying anything.

'What is wrong mum?'

'I don't know honey... I just... Look at you, all grown up... I am so proud of what you have become...'

She then ran into Tylers arms and Tyler whispered

'Oh mum, I love you so much.'

I softly hummed a little song in your small ear, and your small hand wrapped around my finger. 

The same day my mum and dad flew over to admire you and you looked at them with such big eyes I was afraid that they would jump out, but instead you made a cute little noice and tried to pinch my mums nose. That night, when Jacky went to home, and my parents left to sleep in a hotel, when you fell asleep in your little bed, Tyler and I danced to a very sappy song, and oh lord, all the emotions we hold that day came out, we were just so overwhelmed. We hold eachother close and we lay our heads on eachother shoulder, our hips softly swinging with the melody.

The weeks after you were born were crazy, all our friends wanted to meet you and I just melted when I was watching them hold you. You were a perfect baby, so oblivious, so innocent. You were just a couple of weeks when you learned to smile, and since them you wore that smile every awake minute of the day. A warm toothless grin and our friends would coo you and say you were adorable, and you were.

You will know when you have childeren yourself, everything your baby does is in your eyes beautiful. It is amazing how you can feel so attached to something so small.

Back to the present, it was a beautiful day today so we went out for a bit, although I was worn off after ten minutes of walking, luckily Tyler was able to carry me to our house, you were walking in front of us, holding your teddy bear. Sometimes you would look back with a worried expression and you whispered something in the ears of the little bear.

'Don't worry, Connie, he is okay, he is just tired.'

I tried to look to Tyler, which was impossible when he was carrying me on his back, but I noticed him tensing up, he heard the soft words too. I kissed him softly on his brow, knowing what he wanted to say, asking what we would tell you. I think we both knew we would have to say it soon, because for all we knew, I could die the same night. Living by the day was very hard for me, especially with all the love around me. So after we came home, and I slept for a bit I called Tyler to my room.

'Tyler, we need to talk.'

He sighed and nodded, softly biting on his lip holding back his tears. I gestured him to come into my arms and he curled up between them. 

'Levi deserves to know that I die soon Ty, that I won't be here anymore.'

I felt his head shifting against my chest.

So I called you too and you shyly entered our room, curiousity and worry spreaded on your small face. I petted the space next to me and you snuggled into my side.

'Levi, do you remember Dodgy?'

Dodgy was an old dog we adopted just after the birth of you and he died when you were four. 

'Yeah, he was so sweet... He's in heaven know, right daddy?'

I nodded and felt Tyler break down on my other side, and your hand shifted to his knee and you just lay it there.

'Yeah, he is heaven now, playing with all his other friends'

I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat away.

'Maybe he is even playing with gran, right daddy, then gran isn't as lonely as she used to be here on earth!

You perked up by the thought of gran (who was actually my grandmother) playing with Dodgy and his friends. Then you noticed my tears on my face and you gently swept them away with you little fingers.

'Levi, soon I will go there too.'

'No, you aren't!'

You said stern and you grabbed my tshirt, almost like you were trying to personally stay on the earth, to not fly away to heaven.

'Levi... Daddy is very sick, I am going to go sooner or later.'

Your lips trembled and I saw small tears forming in your eyes. You burried your face in my neck.

'But I don't want you to go, we have a play in march... I want you to be there, you have to be there daddy, promise me you'll be there.'

I kissed his hair.

'I am going to try okay?'

You nodded and looked up.

'Are you going to be an angel then, are you still gonna help me with my homework?'

I giggled softly.

'If you want so.'

You shrugged your shoulder and placed your ears on my chest. 

'Daddy?'

'Yeah?'

'You still here, right?'

'I am still here, don't worry about me.'

I whispered in your ears and you sighed loudly.

'I love you, daddy'

I hugged you closer to my body and whispered in you ear that I loved you too.

I love you son

Your truly,

Troye Sivan Mellet, your loving dad