I'm Fine | Depressed Jungkook x BTS

Chapter 12

As Jungkook cleaned the mess he'd made, he couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. All he was doing was upsetting his hyungs.

It felt like that was his only purpose.

To upset people.

To worry people.

But it would all be over soon. He wouldn't be worrying anyone anymore. After a while, his hyungs would forget about him. It would be a relief to them that he was gone.

Then there came a knock at the door.

Jungkook panicked and hurriedly put his blade back in it's hiding place before opening the bathroom door.

Namjoon was stood there, and he frowned slightly when he saw the look on Jungkook's face.

"Is everything okay Jungkookie?"

Jungkook tried to look at him but couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"I'm fine, Namjoon-hyung just upset I woke up too early." He replied with ease.

Namjoon seemed to believe it, so Jungkook decided to go get a drink from the kitchen to take back to his room.

Big mistake.

All his hyungs, minus Namjoon were sat at the table eating their breakfast. They smiled when they saw him. Jungkook greeted them and then got himself a glass of orange juice.

After all, what was the point in eating when he was going to die soon anyway?

"Jungkookie aren't you going to sit and have breakfast with us?" Jin asked, concerned. Jungkook always ate breakfast with his hyungs.

"I'm not hungry, Jin-Hyung." Jungkook replied.

The members all looked at eachother. Jungkook wouldn't look any of them in the eye, and instead was looking down at the ground.

"Jungkookie you still need to eat, just a bit." Jin replied calmly.

"I said I'm not hungry! Just leave it!" Jungkook snapped, walking out of the kitchen and nearly bumping into a surprised Namjoon.

see what you've done?

they're all worried about you again.

and you've upset jin.

they don't deserve to be burdened with you.

"Kook.. are you okay?" Namjoon asked softly. Tears started to form in Jungkook's eyes but he angrily blinked them away.

don't show them your weaknesses.

So Jungkook just nodded his head and walked as fast as he could to his room. However, Namjoon had seen the tears, and stood for a moment, worrying about Jungkook.

                                      ...

Once Jungkook got back to his room, he lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

Thoughts of Namjoon kept coming into his head, and he pushed them out, blushing slightly.

yeah that's it stop thinking about him

he won't love you back

who does?

Yes, Jungkook loved Namjoon. He'd felt this way for a long time but regretted it. Why would anyone like Namjoon even think about loving him. He was just a waste of space.

oh yeah, no one.

that's probably for the best though

you can kill yourself in peace

isn't that what you want?

because it's what you have to do.

He decided he'd have to start writing the note soon, but he hated the fact that he would be upsetting his hyungs again.

But, it would be the last time.

And they'd get over it.

Eventually.

Hot tears filled his eyes and spilled down his cheeks, he was careful not to make a sound as he silently cried.

you'll never be good enough

you'll always just be a trouble to people

ending it is the only way out

it's better than a lifetime of pain.

Just then, there was a knock at the door, "Kook, can I come in?"

It was Namjoon.

Jungkook hurriedly wiped his eyes and said he could come in.

Namjoon could instantly tell that he'd been crying, and walked up to Jungkook and pulled him into a hug.

"We're all so worried about you, Kook. Please let us in, let me in. I just want to know you're okay. The cuts that were all over your body when we found you out in the cold and took you to hospital- they broke my heart."

"And I know you told us you'd stop but, I'm scared something like that will happen again."

Jungkook didn't have the heart to tell him that he never stopped.

That they were all over his arms.

That right at that very moment he was planning on killing himself.

"I'm fine" He said quietly.

"No Kookie, you're not."