Diary Of Tears

Eula: Entry 06

"The dream must end."

- Xing Huo to Syaoran from Tsubasa Tokyo Revelations

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This is not a dear diary moment like the other stuff i write about. This is something very serious and i am not going to lie it's been haunting my conscience when im awake and even when i am dreaming. I need to get this out of my chest... I have not really been honest of all this time about the stuff I write. Most of them are true, but somewhat half of them are lies. I left out so many important parts of me that i am going to share right now and it will be in a form of a list.

My dirty little secrets that i was never honest about to myself nor to any of my friends:

* I dated another guy when i met Natsu, his name was Azuma. He and i never really got along but i said yes to him. Its true that i was jealous of Yrene dating Natsu because of how everybody likes her. Saku was the same because of the fact that everybody said she's perfect with senpai. I told Azuma that i love senpai even though we were together.

* I never told senpai til this day that I love him but i gave him hints in the past. I smiled when i did it because it was fun playing a little game with him for Natsu to guess that it was him. Azuma was very jealous of his relationship with Yrene though, it was her that he honestly loved. I don't even know what was the point of us being together.

* I was into the fact that i fell inlove even though i never experienced it myself.

* It was true that i almost got molested by one of the guys in my church, but i never went into too much detail about it. That guy had a thing for me but i refused to be with him, i only love Natsu and only him.

* I accepted Azuma anyway even though i had feelings for Natsu, but even in our relationship i asked him to give me space so i can take my time and get over senpai and possibly blossom my feelings for Azuma instead. During that he gave me a video of words that said "I will wait for you forever" from an anime i was not familiar of.

* Azuma left me when i got sent into therapy for a few months because i almost burned down my own home, he broke our relationship off without notice. I was gone for three months without a word and then i got involved with my church.

* I met senpai around the time him and Saku just broke up and between the time him and Yrene got together. I love him since then and until now i still do.

I can feel alot of hate coming to pour down towards me if anybody even finds and reads this. I apologize for lying but there are just some things that i cannot risk telling people, i do it for a good reason, but i was not lying when i wrote here that i love Natsume, that will never change and i still hope i get to be with him. I will eventually tell him everything one day, I just need time... As much time as i need before i feel like i am ready to tell him. My main focus as of right now still is to support him as a friend for everything he is going through and I ain't backing out on my word.

I gotta go for now. I may be writing more when i come back, and yes i promise no more secrets!

- Eula