Diary Of Tears

Eula: Entry 03

"Fever dream high in the quiet of the night you know that I caught it... Bad, bad boys shiny toy with a price you know that i bought it. Killing me slow, out the window, always waiting for you to be waiting below. Devils roll the dice, Angels roll their eyes."

- Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift

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Hello my little companion of a notebook. I just got home from work but there's so many thoughts in my head. I am not okay honestly, but right now I am keeping myself distracted on my own making my own cosplay. I should ask all my friends at church what kind of character they want me to do for this year and post alot of selfies on my Facebook profile! My current ideas are cosplaying either a bunny girl or a girl with neko (cat ears), might go on the daring side too, maybe reveal a little bit of skin, a lot of cosplayers do it anyway. I just hope horny dogs or guys does not hit on me. Senpai might beat them up for me though... Somehow he seems to care for me alot but that might be just me.

And to answer your question, yes I still love senpai. But he has someone else, it pains me to see that I am not the girl that's with him right now, and it makes me more insecure to know that she has both brains and beauty when I don't possess one of the other. I really want to impress him, but I don't know how to. I should most likely post alot of my cosplay pics so I could get his attention!! hehehe... I feel evil for doing such things though, but I will set the privacy to where only he can see it, thank the lord for privacy settings.

You know as I am writing this, I am getting so many irritating sermons from my own mother how I am just a burden and that I am very expensive to take care of. It's because of my heart condition and the fact that she always has to keep spending money to buy me my medicine to help me get better. I am sorry for burdening you mom, I did not ask for this illness myself though, you brought this on me because you don't know how to nurture an unborn baby in your womb! Drinking anything harmful in pregnancy especially coffee is not advisable for mothers. If I ever get kids one day I will never do that to a soul living inside of me. I will be a good mother to my own kids, and I wish senpai Natsu is that future dad and husband. Is it creepy that I have this obsession about him? I just love him, please do not shame me for this, one day when I confess I hope he replies to me for a yes. I will have a hard time getting over it when he says no. I confronted many heartbreaks before, but this one in particular is a very strong feeling of love. I will be obsessed with him for quite a while if he does end up rejecting me.

What do I like about Natsu? Well... I love how he is always caring about his friends, even though he has his own problems he always puts others above him first, he is not a people person though, he's a little awkward on strangers maybe because he does not know how to communicate. Other than that once you get to know him I can guarantee you that he will care for you as his friend for the rest of your life. There's more to why I like him but these are one of them, I am just magnetically attracted to this boy! I talk about him alot in almost all of my entries now, I promise I will try to talk about something else next time *nervous laugh*

It's been a long day though... I worked for 10 hours again so I will be writing again on whatever I need to tell you next time. My brain is not functioning, I have writer's block so I am going to cut it here. See you next time!

With Love,

Eula