Diary Of Tears

Natsume: Introduction

"Once a liar, always a liar unless stated otherwise. Your change might count towards everything that could possibly happen in your future."

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I know I just got this book-like thing to write stuff about so. Here I am writing, my first entry was not all that great, I understand if you don't, this is just something where I can freely vent with my own problems in after all. I kind of wanted to write in detail more about myself so I guess I will start with the most basic details of my life and the stories that I have been wanting to let out. I tend to bottle up my emotions a lot before they get the best of me. I heard it was a good way to let all those feelings out in a diary to somewhat help and I think it works. Anyway enough about me. I want to write now about myself for a little bit on the current time.

Where do I start.... I basically grew up with loving parents, my dad that is cool with me, my mom that's like my guardian angel, and a brother that I don't get along with sometimes. I call him "Slendy" by the way, only because he's skinny as shit. Probably more skinny than me. We run our own family store of antiques and this is like the only official job I have. We are not wealthy but I guess wealthy enough to live a simple life. I don't have that many friends because I have such high standards when it comes to making friends. But behind all of that... I struggle everyday trying to come to love myself because of how I see myself towards other people. But there's a few people that I acknowledge in my life and I will talk about them later in the following paragraphs of this stupid page I am writing.

This is the question I get asked often. "Have you ever been in a relationship Natsu?" yes I have. Plenty of times. The most I remember were approximately 4 girls including my current one. Their names are Yrene (my current one), Isabellia (Isa), Sakumi (Saku) and Angellya (Jella). Who was my first? It was Jella. We were a perfect couple, everybody loved us and shipped us all the freaking time. I loved her with all my heart thinking she was the one for me, and she felt the same too but that was not the case... Out of the blue she decided she wanted to find another guy and leave me to be with him. Everyday she would always post pictures of how happy she is with him. I know she was trying to make me jealous but she did not have to because I already felt worse than I was. I became suicidal because she left me for someone else. I always talked about killing myself, my best friend Yaya would always stop me and she would make shout outs all over facebook tagging me because of what I want to do to myself. When I was still good friends with Yaya, I keep hearing from her that her best friend wants to be friends with me. Looks like she was searching for people.

This is where I met Sakumi, she was amazing to be honest. She helped me get over Jella which I was relieved about. I did not want to keep dwelling over Jella and not move on, and soon enough me and Saku got together. Yaya always shipped us together, she always said we were the perfect couple. Everything was well until Isa claimed that she hates Saku, of course to Saku, Isa was like a sister to her. She valued her friendship with her more than anything. But it was just not only that incident that made her decide to leave me. She got hooked into online games once again and she found another guy. I know she's been flirting with him. But mostly Saku left me because she did not want to suffer because someone hates her, she values friendship over some guy, so she ended our relationship. I told her even if she leaves me I will always remember her and I hope she never forgets how much I loved her. But what happened was they never became friends again. Despite of Saku leaving me so she can mend the friendship with Isa. After she could not make amends she decided to just disappear because she can't stand seeing me and she felt stupid for making the decision of leaving me, and she knew there was no coming back from it. I gave her all the time she needed even though I did not want her to go. She was gone for a year, but eventually returned feeling all well and happy. That's all I cared about honestly as her best friend.

The following month or year later, Isa tried to get into a relationship with me. It took me a while to say yes because I was still hurt from Saku's pain that she did to me. I can't even look at K-pop for a good minute because of her. But all was well, we remained best of friends like how we were before Yaya tried to get us together. Months came by, I was finally able to say yes to Isa, but honestly I wish i didn't... Because I found out eventually with Saku that Isa was cheating on me for the entire 2 close to 3 years of we were together. She was having sex with this some other guy in her country. I am a long distance boyfriend to her so I couldn't do anything. I tolerated this for the whole two years even though I had my suspicions already. I was telling everything to Saku to the point where she suffered. I told her nothing was her fault, She just cared for Isa which she thought was her friend. I couldn't take it anymore... I left Isa for good, she begged me to stay, but I told her I can't do this. Our friendship drifted apart too. It did not bother me to be honest. It took me a while to heal, slowly but surely. Her cheating on me made me realize the value of my own trust and I shouldn't just give it to people so easily. She really tested that which I am glad for, because I was always known to be "too nice" to people.

As of right now I am with Yrene. She makes me happy and I can say she feels the same for me? My relationship with her is weird because she confessed to me the day me and Isa broke up. I did tell her I'm not ready but two months passed I was trying to help a friend get with her, even though I know he had no chance. And then 3 months later her friend confessed to me, I told her about it and she went like "it's not fair I was first in line!" I eventually said yes, my friend got mad at me, and my best friend that time was shocked. I remember a month before I accepted her, I said "I'd marry a girl who sings GEE for me" and she told me she can dance to it. I think what made me accept Yrene was because she said "You may be old for me but I can't help but admire you. I think you're perfect!". I liked how she always says I am smart. So I guess this is a very good relationship, let's hope it does not end up like the other three.

I would love to write more but I need to cut it short, I have nothing else to say.

Until next time?

Signing off,

Natsume