The Teenager Mind

chapter 22

So. the last chapter I posted, was on September 9th, 2019.

it's now November 3rd, 2019.

A lot has happened....

actually....

....not that much....

'a lot has happened' as in, so many different things have been just thrown at my face that's it's so much more confused and so hard to explain out my emotions, but it's basically the same lines that has happened since the last time I update this book.

Me getting sick and weak by my overwhelming stress

I went downstairs and told my mom everything on my mind, but choose my words very carefully cuz I didn't want her to make her mad in any way. we both agreed on the most obvious stuff about life. to be good and make good decisions so you can be happy and everything. I didn't even need the paragraph! I did show it to her and sort of explain it to her but I was still too scared to read or let her read the whole thing out cuz I didn't want her to spiral out yelling at me.

The whole conversation lasted 3 hours and a bunch of Tears left our bodies, to the point where you could have make a swimming pool with it. I went Back to School feeling sort of refreshed! It was so nice to get it off my chest! we came to an agreement that the only reason why we do hate each other nowadays, it's because of all of the cliche parent and teenager stuff. her telling me to do the dishes when I obviously don't want to.

just the simple stuff.

so now we really don't get mad at each other!.we only get annoyed at each other......I usually think it's more me than her, because it's more me being a lazy Couch Potato than her.... but the stress is coming to a complete different story now.

It's my friends.

The countless arguments that have gone over in the past 3 years or so, has been by me trying to help my friends because on their depression and anxiety and just life problems that I don't want them to have. according to my counselor, it's overwhelming me and I have to confront them to have the problem resolved.

But they keep throwing more sad stuff in my life that I gues I just can't handle it.

Now I've also realized that this is my fault for volunteering to help them, but it's their fault in the first place for even telling it to me! Because they know I would want to help them. Not just because 'it's what friends do' or " you're so good at it"or "you're the type of person that just does that" I've tried to just let it go, but then they think I'm ignoring them! and then they get so mad at me for being a female dog and everything! In the end...

I just realized that I need to get new friends and let these 2 go.

that's right, 2, it's only 2 people that's been doing it. Mainly one.....but I don't care anymore that I'm going to say their names!

Gabrielle and nicholas

been these two have been at it  for at least a year now and more in this new school because I'm at the high school now. I'm a freshman. The people that I've never seen before are potential new friends. that I haven't dumped years of depression problems on me. There new friends! Which means it's new relationships that I'm having! sure some of them I was friends with them last year, but only now our relationships are going stronger than ever!

mainly because it's their personality

now I'm not saying that a person with depression is going to constantly talk about their depressive issues in their life, but it's just a habit they have of doing. Which I do confessed oh, I've had those problems.

I need to let them go before I end up killing myself over the stress of constantly worrying about them. my aching muscles and mind literary being broken of it.

I've literally begged my mom to take me to the doctors! my muscles aching and my heart racing and just nerves pinching over the slightest thought of a problem that a friend is going through is just OVERWHELMING.

It's funny really.

I ruined myself so hard for people who weren't even worth it in the end....

It needs to stop.

I need new friends that will actually be responsible and that will actually be fun in life. They might even cheer me up when I'm depressed at times!

I told them to stop (sort of) and I said my goodbyes and I haven't talked to them for a full two weeks. It's pain and suffering because they sit right next to me in math class but I've been trying to get through it.

I've been wanting to explain it to them for so long but I honestly don't really know what the true answer is for myself.

so all of this words and I'm splurging out right now probably aren't or isn't the real answer why this is happening or why I'm doing this. 

Actually now that I realize it, I have done that with another friend that also did the same thing with me! She sits sort of next to me in art and we always get awkward when were even in a 10 ft radius of each other, but oh well! Things are going okay with that. so if I do it with my other friends. everything will finally be at rest and I will be happy! Sure, it may seem that I'm being selfish for thinking about my happiness. This is my life.

Sometimes, you just gotta make the hard decisions in life to overall have a better outcome.

I hope I can tell them this so they can realize. but I feel like if I do,

They just blur more arguments on me and they won't fully read through it, like they never do!

...It's always like that....They always talk so little on conversations when I'm the one always talking so much......

it's annoying and I'm tired of it.

If they want to call me names and tell me I'm a bad friend and a horrible person then they can go ahead!

I don't care

As long as I'm happy with my life, right here, right now, in this moment.

Then...that's all that matters...

I'm going to copy and paste these exact words and send it to them in our group chat. So, hello Gabby and Nick who are reading this! You're probably wondering who I'm talking to.

And the thing.... it's no one.

Because no one's going to bother reading this public book.

I'm sorry. But I need to help myself out for a chance.

Goodbye.