The Teenager Mind

chapter 6

.....what if I started Liking girls?"

It made me spiral on what I was supposed to become in the future and then if it was wrong.

I kept thinking that I was bi, but then I switched to asexual because I really realized that I have no idea of love and then I'm starting to fear it because I don't know relationships. I mean I've seen all those cliche movies where the boyfriend and girlfriend lose trust in each other, then they break up and then they go home on the couch eating ice cream watching 'Keep It Up with the Kardashians', where I don't even like that TV show!

I was afraid of that happening so I just decided to ignore in total, I've always wanted to be a good person. Being humble and nice. And a good child.
listening All those things people toll me not to do.

Do not to smoke, don't do drugs, don't like alcohol too much, also making babies is dangerous because you can get diseases, and getting into arguments with people can ruin your reputation.

If those things made me a bad person then I decided to stay out of it and never do it! I'll never put my lips on alcohol, on never get into a 10 ft radius of a smoker, I'll never do any of these bad things! I'll be a good girl I promise!

it's so difficult to do that when literally everyone in your family is a smoker and your own dad was an alcoholic.....it's like I don't want to be bad, but then it was  making want to do it more.....but back to my dad....August most likely 6, which is my birthday, he, he died.

I loved and cared for him so much and wanted to make him so happy. when my mom and my dad got divorced he went into depression and anxiety and became even more of an alcoholic and smoker.

Me having these thoughts made  spiral in spiral into madness! It confused me so much.... I told Nick how I was feeling and he understood me! I still felt bad tho....but, in the future some interesting things happened to him and....I might talk about it....

But back to my dad because you're probably more concerned about that.....

You were smoking! It gives you bad lungs, dad. and drinking alcohol gives you a bad liver.  those are the two vital things to keep you alive...I thought he wasn't going to live anymore. I never wanted him to be sad and depress so I tried my very best to make him happy. but he just lives so far away and I think I failed him. I never even got to say goodbye....I loved him so much then after that whole incident I couldn't really say those words to anyone ever again. those words being "I love you". I could never say it to anyone with actually meaning it, it would make me feel like I betray my dad and I didn't want to after I already failed on being there for him.

I didn't want him to think I moved on and that I didn't care about him anymore. so that's also why I had a panic attack and continue to have them whenever people talk about "do you have a crush on anyone?" I tried searching this up on Google and there's this disorder called personal deprivation disorder where people are unable to feel normal human emotions because of something tragic that happened in their lives. I'm pretty sure I can feel normal emotions but love is a emotion right? And that's broken so I have it!

Then again I also thought I had schizophrenia and that I'm dyslexic just because I know something wrong with me but, I'm no doctor and I never checked this out by one. so I pretty sure i'm not true.

But long story short, when a person asks for a sexuality I am, I just respond with a asexual. Yeah. I'm 100% that. I have no sexual attraction to people what so ever.....

So thanks for reading my book! And i'll-
( reader: wait, your dad is dead, and on your birthday!? You have to talk about your family now!)

Great. Go to your home and grab your favorite teddy bear because again this is a roller coaster. A very, very, very crazy one.