The Teenager Mind

chapter 23

November, 11th 2019

it's currently, exactly, 9 PM.  I'm sitting in my nice clean room, drawing.  I'm drawing  levi and Erin from Attack on Titan together because I've recently found my liking to the show. I'm  currently in mid season 2. I'm starting to think about the show 24/7, like I've done with all TV shows that I've loved to my heart's content.

but it's weird.

the TV show that I've been doing this with for almost literally a year has been Steven Universe. now that I'm changing to a new show it just seems very off-putting. I feel like the show changed me somehow after binge-watching episodes for 20 hours. everything in the show is just so intense and dark and very bloody if you've never watched it. 

I'm feeling that my heart physically is low in my chest. I feel nervous. I feel scared to go to school.

I feel wrong.

this weekend I broke out into hives all over my chin and jawline. it was extremely red and very itchy and for some reason it's swollen in a way that makes me have a double chin no matter which direction or position my head is in. I did have cereal over there and it was 2% milk but it couldn't be the fact that I sometimes and somehow have a weird reaction to milk that made me have this. It couldn't have been that reason. It hasn't happened in such a long time..

it made me feel scared if anyone was going to assume I'm ugly just because of me having a double chin, assuming that I'm fat, assuming that I'm worthless.

Even tho, it's true

I've always self-deprecate on myself, but now it's like I don't care yet I do so much.

I itched and picked and scrubbed and cleaned it so many times, it feels numb now. I don't feel like talking. I'm going to go to school tomorrow having my mouth shut,
I'm not going to talk to anyone. I'm done...
but
this has happened so many times before, I've say I won't be that! But then, end up actually doing......talking to my friends.

.....

This isn't real.
My emotions are fake.
this is pointless.
I think something is wrong with me when nothing is.
I'm just overreacting

I'm trying to find answers every single way, it just makes me so much more confused and makes me....react to things in so werid ways....that it's not real....

Humans have emotions. All living things feel emotions. Sometimes in stressful situations, you get so many different emotions, you can't explain how you're feeling. You just feel weird.

But I'm not in a stressful situation. my life. This moment isn't stressful.

think I'm mad that makes it come off as sad or other emotions that don't exist that make me think that I'm troubled and then make me think I'm going through stress and I'm sick or that something's wrong with me.

...When nothing is....I'm just so stupid.

every single time I see my friends that make me laugh, they make me laugh. I act like everything's fine and that my life is okay and then I feel good for the rest of the day, forgetting that I ever was this....thing...was this  morning.

it's weird because I'm angry at this one specific thing, but then not with another. it makes me feel like I'm being mean for no reason.

I feel caged.

I'm drawing right now, try to push myself to outline and color my drawings that have been sitting in my SketchBook Just as sketches....

and I say to myself...

these drawings are crap. The drawings suck. there horrible. they're awful. why do I even bother doing this myself in the future? animation. it's just going to get so messed up. Like everything in this world. Why should I go through all the suffering of trying to have a happy career of doing the thing I love?

Then I stop

....The thing I love.....

drawing.
being an artist.
wanting to be an animator.
making that into a career because it's thing I enjoy doing.

.....

they're so bad that it makes no sense to continue.

....yet I'm still drawing just because I'm so bored and....empty.

my heart is racing and shaking for no reason! something doesn't feel right...yet everything's fine...

is it my jaw?
The thought of me having a double chin and everyone judging me is making me feel this way?

No. Is not possible. They can judge me just because they see how I physically look!.....yet.....people do it anyways....

I'm sorry.

I don't know how to really explain it.

I don't even know if you can make any sense of this.

I really am just overreacting aren't I? I literally made a public book about the inner mind of a teenager!  ......all because teenagers are so bad......all because of how bad this world is...

I'm so tired yet I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I hope it's canceled for the horrible weather we're having.  I hope I don't have to go back there. yet it never did anything wrong to me....

I hope I don't have to go anywhere....

maybe I'm realizing things are different? Liking a new TV show, saying goodbye to my toxic friends, getting better ones, in looking into passions i've never  did before!...

Things are changing in my mind is haywire about it when it doesn't need to be

everything feels so fast yet I feel so slow...

Everything feels broken

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