The Teenager Mind

"chapter 19"

I know I said the next time I would talk to you is when school starts. but, this little thing I found in my memos, talking more about a teenager's life. has a little school in it, so it counts!

I also need to update my book somehow *laughing emoji here*

                         Love

love is when two things, object or living. any race, gender, or any anything have a deep connection with each other to the point when they may have an offspring. adopted or non adopted. now according to the love rule book the stages of Love is
1) acquaintance

2) friends

3) best friends

4) lovers

5) marriage and

6) old lovers.

if you make it to step 6, you're considered a master at love. apparently in our stupid Society nowadays, there's a thing called cheating. where you date two people at the same time, which is not what you're supposed to do. to the point where the other finds out, you get into an argument, and then you break up or get a divorce if you're that far into the whole love process. when you're always little kid in elementary school, you think dating is really gross. heck you might even not know what dating is! In  Elementary time, I never really had a liking to anyone.

my sexuality was straight and if I saw a guy I would say that he was cute and move on with my life. 3rd, 4th, 5th and so on and so forth to 8th grade. there has been this guy who had a liking to me and would ask me out. I shrug my shoulders and he thought that was a yes so he would then tell the whole school that we were dating, but then two days later, we would get into an argument?  this back-and-forth motion would go on until 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. I finally said no every single time he asked. And that was the end of it. Four other guys have asked me out in middle school and I declined again because when middle school started.

I started having anxiety and depression and that's when I started with questioning my reality, so dating was not really an option. I started questioning if I would even like dating girls or anyting since I'm really supportive of the LBGTQ+ community. in the start of 8th grade a person I Really Ever truly love in my life disappeared for me. from then on I could never really say "I love you" to anyone anymore Without Really meaning it. I still did the thing I did in Elementary School, where  a guy OR girl was cute but THEN I would have these weird thinking of me dating them! which then I would not want to even if I did think it I wanted to!  I just couldn't. cuz I didn't know how to considering the depression and the lost of someone. I just didn't know what to do. I was stuck in awkwardness.

I started to push through that and they date some people. but then I wanted to date other people. but then I realize that was considered cheating so then I couldn't and drama, drama, drama, later. people hate me now. I'm starting to realize when i go to high school, I'm going to have no friends. I've gotten to so many arguments with friends about them having depression way worse than mine, and almost killing themselves! and then telling an adult about it because I care about them....I just have no one now. And it's not like in high school you can become friends with seniors or anything. I'm just too awkward for socializing. Sometimes I can get really extra, but on the inside I'm just screaming.

People think I'm lying about my sadness because they see me laughing. but in reality, I'm laughing so I can keep myself from crying. don't feel bad for me, I don't even think my depression is that worse! And sometimes I think I'm one of those stupid girls that have fake depression. my other friends have actually been diagnosed with it! I saw this video of people you're going to most likely seen high school, and the last of the bunch is the quiet girl who likes to draw.

I'm like that. after all my saying is "respect your peers, and try to survive the school year." So if you just try not to socialize then none of the drama would happen, and no one would get hurt, and if you just focus on your grades, it willturn out hopefully okay. I've tried to do that but sometimes my extraness can get a little too crazy. to the point where I try to be the class clown and make a fool of myself.

I don't even know what I should do with my life anymore.

I had dreams, but with our society going in all different directions. those dreams most likely won't happen.

I'll just be an awkward girl stuck in a broken world....