If Only You Knew (Troyler Fanfiction)

Chapter 45: Start of Something New

~1 Month Time Skip~

Tyler POV

My fingers traced the fabric of the clothes hanging limp from the numerous hangers scattered in a disorganized array of color and texture in my closet. Emitting a small sigh I scowled, pushing aside the hangers in a desperate attempt to pull together an outfit. My hands traced along the thick, wool fabric of the red and blue flannel, but I immediately abandoned that idea and soon became frustrated with my indecisive nature.

My eyes trailed back and forth along the shirts that seemed to all merge into a single blurred mess of color the longer I stared at the open closet. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, trying to remain calm in the stressful situation, but failing miserably at achieving the daunting task of picking out a simple outfit.

It would be different if this was just a casual outfit that meant nothing, I would have been ready hours ago if that was the case, but being that I'm still standing here trying to picture what top would pair with the black skinny jeans I was wearing, this was no ordinary occasion. Last night Troye surprised me with One Direction tickets and even though I was incredibly excited about spending the night with him, the impending feeling of anxiety also loomed over my head like a dark cloud. This was our first actual date since we started speaking again. Sure we had gone out to dinner here and there and he stayed at my apartment basically every night, but something about this wasn't the same as our casual Chinese food Tumblr time nights. There was something serious attached to this night, it was almost as if tonight was an audition to see if we would actually work out and could ever overcome the events that nearly destroyed us 8 months ago.

Tonight had to go perfectly if I ever wanted a chance to prove to Troye that he wasn't making a mistake by handing his heart back to me, even though I've repeatedly trampled it under my own ego and selfish habits. Spending those 7 months away from him I realized how much I craved for his affection, and I realized how wrong I was to ever doubt us and waste it all on a split second of clouded judgment. One second was all it took to destroy the years of trust I had spent building, and in one irrational decision I broke the one person I was trying so hard to protect. All it took was one mistake to reverse all the progress I made and send us back to the beginning, with tension and multiple walls built up. Troye had many walls built up when we first met again, but slowly I knocked them down, brick by brick and piece by piece until I wasn't staring at a battle torn wall anymore, I was looking at my best friend that I almost lost, but had somehow by chance found again.

Knocking the walls down was the hardest part, we convinced ourselves that they were up for a reason and that they needed to stay up, guarding our true feelings behind a cold stare and empty promises. The overwhelming fear that if we let those walls down and by some twist of events actually began to fall for each other then all would end in tragedy, making us wonder why we ever let our guard down in the first place. The fear consumed our thoughts, and without even knowing it we let the voice in the back of our heads become the real enemy we should have been fighting against, not each other.

We both wanted the same thing, and that was to be loved. But we were stopped by the overpowering fear that prevented us from receiving the thing we needed the most, the one emotion that could have saved us before it was all too late. In the end the only thing that is more powerful then love is fear, and that one emotion ignited a war in our souls that we didn't even know was raging on until it was over and we finally could breathe again. I had finally knocked down Troye's walls, and even though it was only a temporary lapse of freedom, I was determined to prove to him that he didn't need the walls anymore, because I wasn't going to hurt him.

Tonight was my final chance to prove that love was all we needed, and that the fear we had been harboring in the back of our minds that slipped into every made without our conscious mind even realizing it was unnecessary. We didn't have to be afraid to fall in love again, because what we had was real, and where there's real love nothing, not even the most intense fear, can overpower it.