I wake up suddenly, it’s the dream that I have been having for the past six months, a dream that made me have to go to a therapist because I would wake up scared, crying and without knowing where I was, so the therapist recommended that I place certain objects in specific areas in my room so I could locate them quickly and remember I am in a safe place. I sit up in my bed, drink some water, and take a few moments to breathe and recognize my environment, I am able to locate the objects (a poster, a stuffed animal, a photo, my computer), and I calm down.
I’m supposed to write down the dream every time I wake up but I stopped doing it a month ago, there was no point because it was always the same one, however, this time it was different so I do write it down because even though it has the same beginning and same ending, this time, I see Cris right in the end instead of the usual bright light.
Once I am completely calm, I grab my phone and open WhatsApp, after thinking about it for a minute I open a chat with Cris, though I don’t really have anything in mind to write to her and she’s surely asleep, all I want is to see her photo so I am surprised to see her online; I look at the time and its almost three in the morning. I look back at the chat and it appears that she’s writing, I get this feeling in my stomach that I don’t remember ever having.
It seems that Cris writes for a really long time and when I finally see a message its only three words.
- Are you awake?
I suppose she has already seen that I saw her message, so I have to answer, but more than have to, I want to.
- Yeah, you?
As soon as I send the message, I feel like banging my head against the wall, “Yeah, you?”, I’m so lame, it’s obvious that she is awake.
- Well, I mean, it’s obvious that you are hehehe.
- Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.
- Me neither… well, I couldn’t go back to sleep, I was having a dream and I woke up.
- Nightmare?
- No, not really. Its more of a recurring dream.
- Right.
- And you? A nightmare too? Or are you coming back from a party?
- No, not at all! Parties are not my thing anymore, I just wasn’t to sleep for some reason.
We stop writing after that but continue to be online, I really want to ask her why is everyone so weird around me, why does it always seem as if she wants to tell me something and then doesn’t… but I don’t know how. So, I just keep the chat open, watching the online notice next to her name, which disappears after three minutes, but 30 seconds later it appears that she’s typing again, so I wait longer before closing the chat.
- Joana, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought since Monday and, well, I just wanted to, hmm… apologize I guess, if, I don’t know, if you’ve felt uncomfortable or something because of me. I honestly don’t mean to, it’s just that, well…
That’s the whole message and she’s not typing anymore. I don’t know if she expects me to answer something or not, but I have no idea what to say. I start writing, but she starts typing too so I stop and wait.
- It’s just that last year I lost someone who was really special to me, it was sudden and I… well, it doesn’t matter. Its just that you remind me a lot about that person and it’s a little difficult sometimes.
I’m frozen, I read her messages three more times, from all the things I could’ve imagined that was definitely not one of those. What do you say to someone who tells you something like that? My fingers hover the letters over the letters in the screen waiting that I magically think of something to say, I know Cris is waiting and I say the most cliché thing in the world.
- I’m so sorry, Cris. I am.
I turn my eyes from how much my message sucks, I wish I could say more but I honestly cannot think of anything else. I know it has been uncomfortable for me, but I can’t image how difficult it must have been for Cris.
- Thank you.
- I’d like to say more but, I am honestly really bad at this. Yeah, everything has been a little uncomfortable for me, but I can only imagine how hard these days must’ve been for you. I am truly sorry.
I don’t know why, but I feel really sad, as if I was feeling that loss as my own too; Cris really does awaken confusing feelings in me.
- Right. Yeah, it has been difficult, it was all very unexpected and, well, that’s it.
- I’m sorry.
- It’s not your fault and that’s why I wanted to apologize. I don’t want your time in school to be uncomfortable because of me.
- It is not, honestly. Don’t worry about it 😊
We drop the conversation again for a few minutes and I start to feel sleepy, I’m about to fall asleep when my phone rings.
- Good night, Joana.
- I’ll see you tomorrow.
I block my phone, put it on the nightstand and lay down. After this I am able to sleep the rest of the night without waking up.
