I’ve felt absent all day long, physically I’m at school, in class, with Cris, I engage in conversations, I socialize… but in a way I feel as I’m not really here, as if I am paused and I’m not even aware enough to be annoyed about it. I do try to hide it as best as I can but I just know Cris can notice it, I can tell in the way she tries to be discreet whenever she turns to look at me, I can tell in the way she holds my hand tighter than other days, I can tell every time she lets the girls get ahead of us just to stay behind with me.
The school day has been tiring, but it was actually simple compared to the journey back to her house, a journey we do in silence, a silence I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels uncomfortable about.
“Joana…”
“No, Cris. Don’t worry about it, okay? Just let it… Just…”
I don’t know how to tell her to just leave me alone for a bit without making her more worried and without hurting her feelings but, as usual, she knows exactly what I need without me actually having to ask her. She comes closer to me and wraps me in a strong, yet brief, hug, and then she holds my hand with one of her hands.
“Just let me know when you’re home, okay? And then text me whenever, and we’ll see each other at school tomorrow, deal?”
She kisses my forehead and walks inside her house, I text her when I get to mine and then put the phone on silent, I play some music in my computer and lay back on the bed to stare at the ceiling. I didn’t tell Cris but I actually had a really rough night and I woke up very early, and after turning around in bed for a while I decided to try and get a Facebook account, then snapchat, then twitter and they all said the same thing as Instagram.
“Account blocked. The information is incorrect. Action blocked.”
I didn’t tell her either but I was feeling so confused I almost skipped school and the only reason I did go was to see her, but seeing her made me feel even more confused, overwhelmed, it had been a while since I felt other people’s secrets so heavy on my back as these past couple of days, I hadn’t questioned everything around me in months, my hands hadn’t trembled in months.
I start feeling my eyes watering up and I press them with the palm of my hands, I feel myself sinking in bed and the air gets heavy, tears start streaming down my face without me being able to do anything about it and exactly at that moment my mother decides to walk inside my room.
“Joanna, honey, come down to… Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
I hear her footsteps coming closer and I turn around away from her.
“Nothing. Go away.”
She comes closer.
“Joana…”
“I said go away.”
She reaches my bed and touches me.
“Fuck, mom, I said leave me alone!”
I sit up in a single motion and she takes a small step backwards.
“Joana, talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”
I move so I am facing her, and my breathing gets faster.
“You wanna know? Do you really want to know?”
She nods and tries to move closer to my bed.
“No. Don’t come closer.”
She raises her hands and takes a couple of steps backwards until she reaches my chair, she sits down, crosses her legs and watches me, waiting, and all I am able to feel is rage, rage and an utter lack of trust. How can I know if she is going to tell me the truth? How do I know she won’t try to brush it of or downplay it? How can I even trust whatever she says? The doubts are too many and my head feels like it’s going to rip itself apart, I don’t think I can keep myself calm.
“You know what? Never mind, there’s no point. You’re not going to tell me the truth anyway.”
I stare at her a few seconds and turn around to grab my phone to send Cris a short text, just six words, but those are the words that are choking me right now.
“Joana, look at me.”
I ignore her and stare at my phone, Cris isn’t online yet and I start thinking about whether or not to erase the message.
“Look at me.”
I put the phone down and look up at her.
“I promise I will tell you the truth, no matter what it is.”
I stay silent and grab my phone again, check if Cris has replied anything but she hasn’t even read it yet so I close WhatsApp and open Instagram, try to log in even though I know it wont work and, once the alert appears on my screen I show it to her, observing how she turns white and her eyes tear up; she clears up her throat before speaking.
“I think we should go down to the living room and call your father, this is a conversation all three of us need to have together.”
