“I just don’t…. I… I just don’t understand anything Nora, I really don’t”
I’m sitting down on Nora’s bed, with my head tilted back and one of her pillows between my arms; Nora’s seating in front of me in a chair, slightly leaned forward and her right hand is resting on my knee. I’ve already been here one hour and haven’t been able to say much of anything other than that, its just there are so many words, so many questions, so much I want to say that they all get tangled up in my mind and they get stuck whenever I try to say them.
“Alright, Joana, lets try something. Okay? Let’s start out with the simplest questions that you have. Just yes or no questions, sound good?”
I nod and take in a deep breath.
“Okay, yeah.”
I put up my hair into a ponytail and sit up straighter so I can look at Nora in the eyes.
“So… you all knew me from before?”
“Yes.”
“I mean, Cris and you and Amira and Viri and Eva already knew me? Like, we had met?”
“Yes”
I nod and realize I need to think my questions better because I have like five different ways of asking the same questions and it misses the point of this if we spend hours with the same thing.
“My first day at school, or… well, my first day back at school, after that literature class, you and Amira told Cris to stay away from me, didn’t you?”
Nora stares at me and runs one of her hands through her hair before answering.
“Yeah.”
I’m not actually surprised about the answer, what surprises me is that it actually hurts a little for some reason, that they didn’t want her to come close to me, and not only because of Cris.
“Was it to protect her?”
“Yes.”
I see her eyes start to fill up with tears and she looks away at the window trying to hide it.
“… and no.”
“What? Come on Nora be straightforward. I can’t deal with more confusion right now.”
She moves her hand off of my knee and lays back on the chair, putting her legs up and sitting on them, she lowers her gaze to her hands and exhales slowly before looking back up.
“Cris wasn’t the only one that lost you, Joana.”
It might’ve been an obvious answer for someone else, but I just wasn’t expecting it, they had been staying at such a distance from me that it didn’t cross my mind at any point… specially not about Nora.
