I haven’t left my room all morning, I haven’t looked at my phone, I haven’t gotten out of bed and the only interaction I’ve had with my parents was yelling at them when they asked what was wrong after I got home last night.
“Why do you want to know? So you can continue to lie to my face?”
My mind just hasn’t stopped, I haven’t been able to sleep at all, I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I’ve been going over and over every significant moment from the past few months since I started school or restarted… whatever. Every event that has caused me a headache, every time I’ve felt like I was in a dejavu, every moment I’ve shared with Cris, every scenario that could have a hidden meaning. Every single thing. But its too much, its way too much, too much information, too many possibilities, just too much for my mind to be able to process.
I turn around to lay on my stomach and scream into my pillow to try and get off some of the frustration I’m feeling, I need to talk to someone about all this, someone who could help me organize my mind a little, someone who can remain neutral, who doesn’t have a reason to lie to me, no legal bounds to keep them from telling me things as they are, someone who with a cool head.
I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, wash my face with cold water hoping it’ll help somehow, then I look at the mirror and I am unable to understand what the eyes of the person staring back at me are trying to say. There is something I don’t recognize. A certain weight in those eyes that I have never seen before. I walk up closer to the reflection and start breathing rapidly as if I was having a panic attack.
“I need to get out of here.”
I change into other clothes, grab my phone, walk downstairs, ignore my parents, and walk out of my house. I wander around aimlessly for a good half hour looking over my shoulders because I feel that everyone around me can realize what’s going through my mind and they are watching me. After a while I get to an unknown square and sit down on the first bench that I can find, rest my elbows on my knees and rest my forehead in my hands. I think about Cris and how she might be doing, what she’s doing, if she misses me, if she feels bad, if she’s laughing about fooling me for so long, if she regrets being with me…. Or if she’s even thinking about me.
I let out air through my mouth and I feel heavy, I feel overflown and empty at the same time. I think about Cris again and I take out my phone to stare at all the missed calls and texts, I see her name on my screen, my mothers’ Christian’s, Alejandro’s, and all the girls’. I see every name and I can’t stop myself from fixating on the fact that they all knew, every single one of them, they knew and they all kept that from me and I don’t know why, and that’s what upset’s me the most: that I don’t understand why.
I look at the long list of names again and stop at one in particular, unlock my screen and go into contacts debating whether to make the call or not, I’m scared really, scared of not knowing if they’ll tell me the truth or not, and if I’ll actually believe it. So, I lock my screen again and frustration starts bubbling up in my chest, I go to WhatsApp and read of all Cris’ texts all the way to the last one in which she tells me she loves me. I read it several times without knowing how I actually feel. To look at those words in my screen and her photo next to them makes me feel something in my stomach, something that is trying hard to come out but can’t because of all the frustration still bubbling up in my chest.
I close WhatsApp and go back to my missed calls and to the name I had chosen, I open up the contact and my finger hovers over the call option without touching the screen. I’m about to chicken out and block the screen again when I get another WhatsApp from Cris in which she asks me if I’m safe and asking me to please let her know that at least, she tells me she misses me, that she’s sorry… I close my eyes to hold back all the tears and press down the call option.
“Hey. Can we talk? Yeah sure, send me your location. Just please don’t tell Cris anything. Yeah. Thanks Nora.”
