Nocturnal

Chapter Thirty Three.

Chapter Thirty Three.

                 I woke up tangled in Ben’s arms, I smiled at his sleeping form and stroked a piece of dark hair away from his face. I pulled myself away from him and thought of how great last night had been; maybe I should wake him up with a reward. I pulled the covers down and smiled to see that he was still naked like me and had a raging hard on. I went to lower my mouth to it when I noticed something.

            There were was a bandage wrapped around his leg that was tinged red and raised skin that had been scarred over. There was more than the last time I saw his self-harm scars, he had cut himself even after he told me he had stopped. I looked at the bandage, what damage had he done to himself?

            I went to pull the end of it off when his hand shot out and grabbed mine. I looked up to see him looking up at me with piercing green eyes, he had a guarded expression. I narrowed my eyes at him; I’m sure my brown eyes had anger and hurt in them.

            “I wouldn’t do that if I was you, lovebug,” Ben said and released my hand, I gave him a pointed look and sat back. I pulled the blanket around me to cover myself.

            “You said that you had stopped doing that,” I said back, he looked away from me and sat up a little bit.

            “It’s harder than you think,” he responded emotionlessly. I shook my head at him and gave myself some distance from him.

            “Are you trying to kill yourself? Do you hate life that much that you don’t want to be alive,” I knew I shouldn’t be feeling hurt but I was, I felt like this was his way of trying to get away from me.

            “Stop acting like you think you understand this, you don’t. And I could say the same thing, when was the last time you fed? Why are you starving yourself?” Ben asked me harshly, I felt like someone had just hit me.

            “I just haven’t had time to feed. Don’t turn this back around on me, this is about you and only about you!” I shouted, he turned his gaze somewhere else and I felt like punching him.

            “I hadn’t seen you in months. Every second I thought that he was going to kill you and that I’d never see you again, that I’d lose the only thing that I love! I blamed myself, if I hadn’t been such a jackass then maybe you wouldn’t have been out in the woods! Maybe if I had believed you and trusted you enough to know that it was all Chuck’s fault, that you didn’t kiss him maybe you wouldn’t be gone! I couldn’t cope so I found a way to cope,” Ben said, his voice was filled with hurt and emotion and I instantly felt bad.

            “This wasn’t your fault; this was no one’s fault. We didn’t even know that Clayton was looking for me; we didn’t know he was still interested in me. It would have been different if we did but we didn’t, you can’t blame yourself for this, Ben, this was an accident,” I said to him, I crawled over to him and hugged him tightly.

            “I thought I was losing you even when you came back, you were so closed off and sad. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to make you smile again. Not until the party or the day you let me into your mind, not until then did I feel that you were coming back to me,” Ben whispered and held me close. I froze, the party had been days ago and I had let him into my mind completely a week ago.

            “How bad is your cut?” I whispered, I wiggled out of his arms and went to his thighs. I slowly pulled off the bandage to reveal three deep cut marks that looked yellow and seemed to be festering. “Oh God, what did you do to yourself Ben? We need to take you to the pack infirmary,” I said.