You can't save me, I'm damaged goods.

Black sea

The sun was shining brightly through my window when I woke up. My skin was touched gently by the light here and there, I felt it warm up my body. Such a beautiful way to wake up, not really caring about anything, knowing you don't have to wake up to go anywhere. Still, there was something missing. Well, not missing but there was something wrong. It took me a while to realize what it was.

I had slept the whole night. Without a single nightmare. Tears slowly filled my eyes, and I had to close them from the stinging feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I slept through a whole night, without a nightmare.

My throat closed a little, and I rolled around, burying my face in the pillow, in a stupid attempt to dry my tears before they could fall. I cried pretty often, but it didn't stop me from trying. Crying was like a punishment. Like candy. It would pretty great in the moment, but afterward, you would always hate yourself for getting fat. Just like after crying you kinda wanted to hit the face in the mirror, when it was all red and puffy.

After about two minutes, I gave up, and let my grief take me. I knew why I cried, but I still hated it. After a night like this, I should be happy, jumping around just by the thought of meeting Jungkook again. I mean, it's Saturday for God's sake! Why couldn't I just appreciate life, when it actually decides to give me a hand.

I let the grief take me, and it was stronger than I first expected.

Grief was something everyone had to experience in their life, no matter how hard you tried to avoid it. I had never drowned before, so I couldn't know if my comparison was correct, but that's what it felt like. A black sea of grief, crushing you under the waves. My first reaction was always to hold my breath and lay as still as possible, but that just made it worse when you finally gave up. You had to give up. No one can hold their breath forever. The only way to escape was by dying, but if you die from drowning, then it's not for holding your breath. It's when you give in and let the ice-cold water fill your lungs that you die.

So, I let the grief take me because it was the only way to keep breathing. Immediately, a hole was punched in my chest, and it kept beating me. It didn't beat my heart, for my heart was already gone. No, it punched a hole through my chest, making sure no trace of wither my lungs nor my heart was left. Even if I felt the painful air whip through my throat, and my pulse thundering in my ears, I still couldn't reach my heart and lungs.

Wrapping myself around the covers, making sure every piece of myself was close, and curling myself into a ball. That's the only thing that could help me now.

Sometimes, when Tae would be with me, he would help me through it. He helped by reaching around me, curling me into his strong arms, and made me look at him. His face was beautiful, no one could deny it, and yet it was just barely enough to help. Looking at him was like seeing a shining fish in the black sea. It couldn't hold your head above the water, but it could guide you to the surface. That was enough. Usually.

However, none of that helped when I was alone. I couldn't remember what his face looked like. I couldn't even remember his voice. Every single memory disappeared. Everything just mixed together and disappeared. In the black sea....

❤️❤️❤️

Double update :)
I felt bad for taking so long, even if there are only a few people reading.
Sorry for the short chapter, it was pretty sad 😢